


a life between times

by kuresoto



Series: i thought i was dying, but maybe i'm flying now [1]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Cunnilingus, Eventual Smut, F/M, Kylo has to go on a personal journey to reach redemption, Light Angst, Time Travel, Virgin Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey, in which rey and kylo take a fuckin vacay from the galaxy, multiple POVs, soft, this is very soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-03
Updated: 2018-11-13
Packaged: 2019-07-06 17:53:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 49,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15891066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuresoto/pseuds/kuresoto
Summary: -Sometimes, you have to lose your way to find yourself-After crash landing on an asteroid with a mind of its own, Kylo stumbles upon a gateway to other worlds.Except, it's no ordinary gateway, but one through time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first off, i want to thank my beta, [flypaper-brain](https://flypaper-brain.tumblr.com/), for encouraging me and honestly being an amazing person. i'm so glad to have met you and working with you has been one of my top moments of this year! like *for reals*. and thank you to RFFA mods for matching me with her! i'm so blessed to get a like-minded beta :pray emojis: you all have been a godsend.
> 
> like always, thank you to the mods for organising another successful anthology! thank you to [alexandra](https://politicalmamaduck.tumblr.com/) and [vivien](http://shelikespretties.tumblr.com/) for being my mod-betas, your time and help has been invaluable <3 
> 
>  

 

_‘You’re a monster!’_

_‘Yes, I am.’_

Kylo jolts awake, neck stiff and joints creaking as he unfolds himself from the cramped seat in the cockpit of his commandeered First Order shuttle. He looks blearily out at the sheer darkness before him, barely recognising which sector he’s in. He must be in the Outer Rim, he thinks to himself, as there isn't a single planet or celestial body in sight against the glittering backdrop of solid black. How long had he been asleep? A few hours, surely, or so he hopes; whatever made time pass faster.

He manages to stumble through the narrow corridors to the ‘fresher and braces himself against the durasteel basin. Through his scraggly hair fallen over his face, he blearily looks at his own reflection. He’s a mess, something that he wholeheartedly acknowledges. He groans and rubs his face with both his hands, fingers kneading his eyes, before dragging them down through his wiry beard. He’s become negligent in his personal grooming. His hair is limp and the three month beard he’s been sporting is in need of a trim, but after assuming control of the First Order while trying to keep mutinies at bay, being clean and proper fell short on his list of priorities. Especially with Hux, and the remaining Generals and Admirals, those stubborn relics of the Empire, constantly breathing down his neck.

Three months. Three months since everything went to shit. Three months of constant stress, a different stress to what he’s accustomed. Of course, he welcomed the blessed silence once Snoke was no longer an issue, but then a different threat appeared immediately. Kylo knew it from the moment he startled awake on the floor of the _Supremacy_. He would have to be a complete idiot to think that Hux would allow Kylo to take over the First Order without some sort of plot.

And he didn’t have a plan. He still doesn’t have one, but the whole First Order was too busy trying to salvage their army and recover to pay attention to the lack of guidance or trajectory from Kylo. However, it was now becoming clear to anyone with eyes and ears that their new Supreme Leader was severely lacking in vision and commitment. In a desperate attempt to buy some time, he jettisoned from the fleet with the excuse of brokering some deals in the Outer Rim. He can only imagine the state of things when he returns, probably an execution squad at the ready to meet him at Hux's behest. It looked like he was abandoning the First Order, but honestly, he needed time to think.

Even though his mind is blissfully silent and devoid of any whispers, one factor remains glaringly obvious.

Three months has passed without a single connection with Rey.

He knows neither can control when the other appears, that it really is the will of the Force, but the slight doubt within him manifests and grows as each day passes without seeing her. He can almost hear Snoke sneering at him, calling him weak and a child at his reliance on the scavenger from Jakku - a Jedi - before taunting him again. Who would have thought that Ben Solo would continue to fall for Snoke’s tricks, after so many years of being played? He clutches to the small hope that the bond between himself and Rey is real, but as time passes, his chest grows heavy at the seeming fact that what they had shared was a lie.

He lets out a long sigh and becomes as still as his ship, which continues to drift throughout the Outer Rim with no real destination.

-

_‘Why did you hate your father?’_

He’s not even asleep when the words ring in his head. It’s been two weeks since he left the First Order when he recalls the way Rey stumbled over her words at the sight of him. At the time, he had felt a strange sense of pride to see her at a loss for words as she averted her eyes from his wide chest. But now, all he can think about are her words.

His father.

Han Solo.

 _Dad_ …

He steels himself as his early memories and the last memory of his father rush to the forefront of his mind. He lets his head fall back, hair clearing his face as he stares at the command shuttle’s gray ceiling. He can see himself as a child, crying and reaching out for his father, who in turn clumsily holds him against his chest. Even after all these years, in Han’s final moments, Kylo could still see his father’s radiant love for him. And it was returned. He never stopped loving his parents, which he had thought made him weak. It didn’t. No, his constant rejection of their love just made him desolate and alone.  

His head flops to the side and he spies the set of dice that hang at the top of the dashboard. They’re fake, an exact replica of the real thing, but he pretends that they’re the same. After all, they’re the only thing he has left to remind him of Han, and he’ll take anything he can get. It’s the least he can do. He treats it as a keepsake, in memory of Han, and hopes it will one day ease the pain of what he’s done, rather than serving as a sad reminder.

_‘Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.’_

The irony is not lost on him, knowing that he’s the biggest hypocrite of them all with the golden dice, but he’s past caring. Whatever he did just seemed to make things worse. He had always thought of himself as calculating and careful, but ever since Rey stumbled into the picture, nothing seemed to go right. He lost himself whenever she was around and a part of him knows he should feel bitter, maybe even resentful, but he can’t bring himself to feel that way towards Rey. Not anymore. Not after the reality of his actions had sunk in.

He’s the Supreme Leader of the First Order, whether he likes it or not.  

He can acknowledge that now. He even accepted it wholeheartedly, but the organisation is more of a mess than he had originally thought. There are too many cracks and sub-groups within the First Order, all in need of a strong leader, something he knows he is woefully under-qualified to be.

“Whole damn galaxy against us,” he mumbles before he realises he’s even opened his mouth. He doesn’t know what to make of it, but it came to him in a dream not long after Crait. “I’ll always keep us pointed in the right direction, even if we zig zag a little to get there,” he recites as his hands imitate a fish swimming, just like the way his father did in his dream. “So, why didn’t you?” he asks the golden dice. There’s no heat in his voice, only exhaustion, knowing his answer will never come.

_‘Sometimes doing the right thing doesn’t mean following a straight line. Sometimes you gotta--’_

Kylo suddenly sits upright and grips the steering yoke of his ship. His leather gloves squeak under the pressure, as if he’s hyping himself up for what he’s about to do. His shuttle is nothing like his TIE Silencer, which he had to leave behind because he knew it did not have the capacity to sustain him for more than a few hours. The shuttle is merely a transport ship, too large to do any fancy maneuvers, but he doesn’t care.

Doing things conventionally was never his forte.

Once his ion engines are up and running, he pushes forward without another thought, his ship zipping towards the bright blip of a sun in the distance. He’s a great pilot. He knows his ship is no Millennium Falcon, but he tries to replicate some signature moves he remembers Han doing when he was a kid. The Upsilon-class command shuttle zig zags through space, up and down, side to side, before Kylo pulls some messy loops and spins. It’s nowhere near as fast or as deft as the light freighter, but he gets a sense of freedom from it anyways.

The sun is getting closer and closer, but he can’t get enough. His eyes slip closed at one point and he’s just _feeling_ the ship, using his instincts to pilot rather than his vision. He feels the heat on his face and while it’s not unbearable, his skin is starting to burn.

“Stop!”

His eyes snap open and his ship comes to a complete halt. He turns around slowly, not quite believing his ears, until his eyes land on the wide eyed figure who stands not far from him. “Rey,” he breathes. His sublight engines cool down once again until he’s in a comfortable orbit around the sun.

Once it’s apparent that he’s not in any immediate danger, her eyes relax, flickering over his face and rugged appearance. “Your hair and face look different.” She’s at a loss for words, brows knitted together as she analyses his face. Shaking her head, she dispels her random thought and frowns at him. “What were you doing?” she blurts out.

A ghost of a smile threatens to break on his face. “You were worried,” he states.

“Something I deeply regret now,” she says waspishly.

The once light-hearted nature he thought their conversation would have is gone in an instant. So much for no one having the energy to argue. “No,” he says with a bite in his voice. “You made that a hundred percent clear when you left me.”

“You know why I couldn’t stay! It was never even a choice!”

Kylo leaps out of his seat so quickly that it would have fallen over if it wasn’t bolted to the ship floor. “No, actually I don’t know why! I wanted to give you everything, Rey! I was giving you all I had to offer!”

“No, you weren’t!” Despite her tightly clenched fists and red face, her eyes begin to shimmer with tears. “You gave me no choice,” she continues weakly. “You were forcing me to choose between you and my friends. Between what is good and what is evil.” Kylo’s ready to snarl something at her when she quickly continues. “You were forcing me to choose between you and your mother!”

That makes him shut up, so he stands there, silently fuming and unable to refute her argument. “You didn’t even give me a chance to prove myself. Do you think so little of me? Do you really think of me as evil?” He stops and deflates slightly. “We work well together,” he whispers finally.

Rey returns the whisper, tone mirroring his. “We do, but we don’t have the same goals. You want something very different than I do.”

It doesn’t escape his notice that she’s avoided his question. “And what are my goals?”

“To rule the galaxy with the First Order,” she answers immediately.

“No,” he says softly, saddened by her misconceptions. “I was going to make it better. I want to make it better, change everything so it’s better for us.”

“How is that any better? How would your new First Order be any different than all the previous governments if you decide things so selfishly? That’s not a government, Ben. You know what that is.”

He jolts at his name and chances a look at her face. There’s no hate or anger, only an age-old tiredness from arguments they both know will go nowhere. When the air grows stale between them, he wants to try again. He wants to tell her everything; how he wishes she had stayed with him, helped him build a world that was better than the one they were both enduring right now, how he needed her with every fibre of his being, but the words are caught in his throat. His lips remain firmly shut. He feels like he’s crumbling and falling apart when his face tilts to the floor until he can see only her boots. Any desire to argue with her leaves him, like a loose seam being pulled and unravelled, until all that is left is himself and his emotions.

He collapses into the pilot’s chair, tired beyond reason, and tracks her from the corner of his eyes. Surprisingly, Rey moves to sit in the co-pilot’s seat next to him.

“Where are you?” she asks before looking out at space. “I can’t see where you are.”

She would furiously deny it, but Kylo can’t help but smile at the slight curiosity and concern in her voice. “I’m on a ship.”

With a huff, she rolls her eyes and fixes him with an annoyed look. “Yes, I know that, but where?”

“In space. Why does it matter, Rey?”

She opens her mouth, only to stop herself before any sound escapes her. He wants to believe that she will exclaim ‘so I'll know where to come get you’ or even better, ‘to come join you!’, but even he knows it’s foolhardy to expect that. Instead she says, “We can fix this, Ben. I know there’s good in you. You just need help.”

“I needed your help,” he mumbles petulantly.

Not wanting to show how bothered he is by her, Kylo straightens himself in his seat, only for something to catch his eye. His eyes narrow until they squint at the small object that orbits the sun.

“Ben? What’s wrong? Ben?”

Despite the concern now clear in Rey’s voice, her cries fall on deaf ears as something pulls Kylo towards the object. There are hushed whispers, calling and beckoning him towards the object. He engages the sublight engines and slowly drifts closer to the sun until his skin prickles and stings from the heat.

“BEN!”

Kylo breaks from his reverie at her sharp cry and turns to see Rey panicking, mouth parted slightly as she tries to grab his attention. “Rey--”

Their connection cuts out before he can even finish her name. By the time he turns back to the front of the ship, it’s already too late. His ship is picking up speed and no matter what controls or what buttons he smashes, nothing seems to deter the increasing velocity of his shuttle.

The only thing he sees is the small asteroid becoming larger and larger, until it takes up his whole viewport and completely dominates his vision.

Then he sees nothing at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hey. It's you and me, kid. **Whole damn galaxy against us** but we'll make it through okay. I'm not always gonna be the best dad-c'mon, I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I can barely take care of myself. **But I'll always keep us pointed in the right direction...even if we zig and zag a little to get there.** There's your first lesson. **Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't mean following a straight line. Sometimes you gotta-" He takes his hand and gestures with it like it's a fish swimming this way and that, left and right and up and down.** "Don't tell you mother I said that." - _Han Solo, Aftermath: Empire’s End_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has given my fic a try! I plan to update 3 times a week (Sunday/Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays). It's just shy of 50k and there's a lot to get through and I'm so excited to share it with you all!! :D

When he comes to, he’s honestly surprised that his ship doesn’t look like it’s taken any damage. The engines don’t work, but from what he can see, his ship remains intact and in almost perfect condition. From what he remembers, it was like complete control over the ship was ripped from him, leaving him helpless to even try to pull up as his shuttle nosedived towards the surface. More than mere gravitational pull was at work here, Kylo is certain when he slides out of his seat, his heavy footfalls echoing through the halls. As he had deduced, he cannot see any visible damage. So, it seems that he’s stranded.

He holds his lightsaber in an iron grip, his cape billowing in the wind when he disembarks. His ‘saber remains off; years of training taught him to never ignite his lightsaber without a purpose. He may have the reputation of throwing temper tantrums and destroying consoles, but he’s never accidentally flicked the switch without following through.

In the early days after he left his uncle, he had wondered if Luke had accidentally ignited his ‘saber, or if it was all a misunderstanding, but the memory of the twisted look of malice on the old man’s face always swam to the surface. No, the Jedi Master didn’t accidentally do anything. He did everything with a purpose, and that itself would always haunt Kylo.

He almost wants to flick his lightsaber on, feel the purr of his weapon as he plunges the bright plasma blade into nearby rocks, but a giant mural to his left distracts him from giving the asteroid more character. From his position, he can see the sun encompass the horizon, obscuring the mural so that it’s no more than a bunch of vague outlines, but as Kylo squints and hovers his hand over his brow, he’s able to make out the figures painted on the rock. The Force is practically screaming at him to go closer, to analyse and feel the stone.

To the left is a woman in white with pale skin, teal hair, and red lips. She looks kind and regal, emphasised by the small convor perched on her shoulder. On the right looks to be her opposite: a man in black with pale skin and head devoid of hair. There are black markings on his face that only accentuate his frown.

Then there’s the man in the middle. Older than the other two figures, it’s obvious that the man, with his long bearded face and high hat, is the Master or leader of the three. While the woman’s hand is relaxed and positioned over her midsection, the younger man's hand is clenched into a fist, ruthlessness oozing from the pose alone. But between all of them, the elder’s vertical palm speaks volumes about his authority. Kylo feels finality from the man, as if his word is absolute.

The boulder is massive compared to Kylo, making the figures tower over him like he’s insignificant. He can feel their eyes following his every movement, a step to the left and a step to the right, their eyes never leaving him. While the figures on each side track him, Kylo is concentrating on the middle figure; the older man who has an air of wisdom and authority, almost like a father.

Pressing his lips together, Kylo tentatively steps towards the figures. He can feel the Light from the woman and the Dark from the younger man, but it’s the elder that draws him in. He hates how his mind immediately conjures memories of Luke wearing the same serious expression that mirrors the elder. At the same time, Kylo can also see his father looking down at him with a cynical grin. He always hated the Force’s obscurity.

As he gets closer, thin golden rings appear around the figures and become bright like the sun. It’s almost blinding. Kylo is forced to cover his eyes momentarily, vertigo setting in so suddenly that he has to hold onto the rock for support. Touching the mural sends his mind spiraling to the very moment he plunged his ‘saber through his father.

He remembers it clearly. His ‘saber cut through Han’s chest like it was nothing. The frail hand that caressed his cheek almost snapped Kylo’s soul in half, much like reliving the moment does now.

Lips pulled into a snarl with red, hot anger coursing through his veins, Kylo is furious that he’s forced to see Han die all over again. He’s ready to destroy the mural. His gloves squeak in his hand as he lifts his weapon high above his head, ready to bring the plasma blade down on the rock when all three figures move in unison, freezing Kylo in his place. Eyes wide, he watches in wonder as the side figures look to the middle.

The elder is now pointing downwards, frown deepening as the golden circles around them become a deep red like blood. The rings start to spin and send sparks flying to where Kylo’s feet are firmly planted on the planet’s surface. In a blink of an eye, a few sparks form a giant portal underneath him, sucking him into the darkness below.

Kylo’s stomach lurches to his throat as he falls through the void. The last thing he sees before the glowing portal closes above him is the finality shining in the elder’s eyes.

His cloak whips around him as his limbs flail everywhere, trying to grab onto something, anything, to stop him from falling. He lands face first with a thud and he can taste the blood from his split lip. Crawling to his feet, it takes a moment for his head to stop spinning before he can really take in his surroundings.

He must still be on the asteroid; the sun remains shining above him, only much closer than he remembers. It’s like he’s in a planetarium of sorts, suspended by a clear glittering walkway. Every footstep he takes causing ripples to form and spread across the pitch black sea of stars. All around him are more walkways, hundreds of silver-lined glittering paths intersecting from all directions with oval portals littering the sides. It’s almost like walking on stars, Kylo realises, looking over the edge to see more paths below. As far as he can see, the silvery paths look like a tangled ball of thread, criss-crossing and interacting with one another.

All except his.

Separate from the others, his path is a short stretch, with the beginning and end a few steps from one another. Giant swirling portals bookend his path and nothing else.

Kylo picks one at random and strays towards it, the portal’s contents not visible until he is directly in front of it. And what he sees in the portal makes him stumble backwards, the floor meeting his behind as he gapes at its contents.

He’d know those robes anywhere. He’s seen them many times in his life. And in his nightmares as well.  

As if he’s reliving the nightmares all over again, Kylo watches his younger self sleeping peacefully in the hut he begrudgingly accepted as home. Luke is standing over him, thumbing his lightsaber, contemplating what he should do next. Kylo can’t bear to watch anymore; he already knows how it will end. He flinches at the sound of lightsabers clashing together and diverts his gaze, eyes falling to the floor as his vision clouds. From the corner of his eye, he can still see the scene. The way his hut crumbles from his powers, each brick ripped from its foundation until there was no more.

The silence that follows is worse than the sounds of the lightsabers. He remembers having to claw his way out of his hut, pain shooting down his legs, pinned down from the debris.

Not wanting to dwell on his painful past any longer, he stumbles towards the other portal, mind still in a haze from what he was forced to remember. He can almost feel the heavy bricks on him, rough edges digging into his skin before he could fling them back with pure adrenaline. The ghostly pain comes a close second to his wounds from that night, the first being the cruelty of one-sided trust.

He sighs, bracing himself against the second portal and cracks an eye open to peer inside. What he sees makes his head spin and instinctively reach out, a need coursing through his body to connect with the one person who made him feel safe.

Within the portal is Rey, face red and covered in sweat from the blistering Jakku sun. Even watching her from where he stood, Kylo could tell she was livid. Her hands are balled by her side as she trudges through the sinking sand, throwing derisive glances behind her. Kylo swivels to the other side of the portal, on the verge of standing on his tiptoes to see who has angered Rey so. All he sees are sand-weathered buildings and pitched heavy beige tents, a crumbling settlement, if he can even call it that.

An object in the sky catches his eye and causes something in him to stir. A hot flush of anger creeps up his neck, knowing the exact point in Rey’s life that he is peering into.

He knows all about her and the hardships she’s had to face. He had seen her deeply buried and true memories pass in a blink of an eye as the Force knit their minds together when he had interrogated her on the _Finalizer_. How else could he see through the fantasy she had built up to protect herself and unearth the truth about her parents?

This point in time is when she’s been cheated and swindled out of the ship, a Ghtroc 690, that she had spent weeks repairing. He can feel her rage and humiliation, angry at herself for being so trusting, and feeling stupid for leaving the ship unattended. He wants to reach through the portal and rip the ship out of the sky and crush it with his bare hands, or better yet, take Rey away from it all, give her the life she deserves.

He refuses to think about the rejection he already faced by her hand, after offering her the one thing he thought she wanted.

Apparently not, Kylo thinks bitterly, still unable to be angry _at_ her, rather regretful that things could not turn out the way he had hoped.

A sharp crack brings him back to the portal that plays like a holoprojector. She’s smashing her battered stormtrooper helmet until the satisfying sight of its lenses fall onto her sandy floor. The helmet follows soon after, bouncing against the place where the wall meets the floor. His eyes are drawn to the wall the helmet has landed against and his gut clenches at the sight of endless lines etched into the AT-AT frame. As if she senses him, she turns and looks at the wall at the same time.

Absolute silence bathes the pair, allowing each intake of air, followed by every frustrated exhale, to echo throughout her home and the strange realm Kylo has found himself in. She’s trying to hold herself together, but she’s exhausted from having to hold onto valuable parts instead of trading them in for rations. Her stomach grumbles and twists painfully as she plops down to direct her anger into the flight simulator. Kylo’s hand flies to his own stomach, as if his is the one craving sustenance.

Nothing but small flickers of light bounce off Kylo’s face by the time Rey falls asleep, collapsed on her side with nothing but the glow of her flight simulator lighting the darkness of her AT-AT. The soft howl of wind outside her AT-AT rocks her to sleep and eases her tense shoulders, finally able to relax under the spell of slumber.

She looks so vulnerable, curled into a ball in vain to stave off the hunger pains. It already hurt to know she endured such a life, but it’s agonising to see it with his own eyes. He can’t help but reach out towards her. He collapses onto the floor at some point, head resting against the side of the portal as his heart aches to help her. Kylo’s fingers ghost over the portal, feeling nothing but a light mist over his fingertips. He doesn’t know what these portals are, or what this place is. Does it just show him the past? Or something more?

A small whimper draws his attention to her once again, and it takes less than a second to decide what he will do. Bringing himself up to full height as if he’s about to charge into battle, Kylo gives the mystical room one more once over. The sun is shining above him, but just as he reaches into the portal, a giant burst erupts from the star.

Gold dust rains from the skies, only to connect and glide over the invisible barrier that shields the portal realm from the outside world. The dust is only a warning for the second burst, large tongues of hot plasma licking the space dust it emits. It gets brighter and brighter until he is soaked in stardust and warmth. His heart expands and the sight of Rey huddled in a solitary ball, as if to will herself out of existence, only strengthens his resolve.

Without a second thought, he dips his hand into the portal, the mist turning into a sentient liquid that travels up his arm. He’s undisturbed by the substance pulling him in. He just wants to be with Rey.

Another solar flare erupts above him and the pulling intensifies. He hears voices whisper all around him, some faraway and dreamlike while others feel closer, as if they are right behind him, but he ignores it all. The only thing on his mind is the girl who gave him a chance, who believed in him for a brief moment, as he surrenders himself completely to the void.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Ones/Mortis Gods](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Force_wielder)
> 
> [World Between Worlds](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/World_between_worlds)
> 
> [Gateway to the World Between Worlds/Mural of The Ones](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/b/b3/Force_Gods_of_Mortis.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20180120131819)
> 
> [Ghtroc 690](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Rey#Repairing_the_Ghtroc_690)


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey.”

It takes a while for Kylo to come to, lying face first in something that feels like sand. He shifts, only to find that he’s pinned down by the coarse grains, the small movement alone sending sand creeping into his ear and up his nose. How he’s avoided choking is a mystery in itself.

“Hey, you.”

Something that feels like a stick is prodding him. The voice is muffled through his sand filled-ears, but he’s too tired to make an effort to find the source. Despite being on the brink of suffocation, the sand is comforting. It weighs him down and Kylo can’t help but feel like nature is cradling him, taking him into its arms and easing his pain. It’s absurd and he knows he should get up before he’s buried for good, but it feels so nice.

“Hey!”

The voice is incessant and annoying. Can’t they see he’s trying to sleep? Maker knows how much he needs it.

“Kriff.”

The curse is all Kylo hears before a strong hand yanks him up, his collar almost strangling him and making him cough. He comes up with a splutter and immediately flails around, falling onto his back as he blindly swings at the person who seized him. The stranger lets go of him straight away and Kylo scrubs his face with both of his hands, trying his best to regain his sight. His beard is still caked with sand, but that’s low on his list of priorities when he realises who’s before him.

His mouth goes dry, which doesn’t help the dehydration he’s close to suffering. Through the sharp rays of sun behind them, the person stares down at him, beige scavenger rags and weathered quarterstaff in one hand as the other reaches up to remove the mask and headgear that hides her signature buns. He doesn’t even need to see her face to know who she is; her clothes alone are a dead giveaway.

“What do you think you’re doing out here?” Rey asks, stabbing her staff into the sand.

“I…” Kylo is  speechless. Why is he here? Better question, how did he get here, wherever here is? He doesn’t know what to say and instinctively uses the Force to brush against her mind, only to find no response. A cold sweat breaks out as he feels for the Force and is met with nothing. Desperately grabbing for any semblance of the Force, his hand darts to his belt, only to grope at nothing. His lightsaber is also gone. “I’m…” Words fail to form on his tongue and his mouths gapes open and shut like a stranded fish in the middle of a desert.

“Hey, you okay?”

He jerks at the sound of her voice again. “What?”

“You’re not from around here.”

The meaning of her words bring his world to a stop. He looks up at her and all he sees is indifference one feels when addressing a stranger. He scampers to his feet, sand falling from his heavy, black robes in waves, and looks around him. There’s sand as far as he can see, stretched out into the distance with giant carcasses of ships littering the wasteland. He notices a small pile of rusted parts strapped on the back of a wall panel behind Rey and beyond her, the skeleton of a Star Destroyer.

“What gave it away?” he asks slowly, not sure how to continue this exchange.

She cocks a brow and leans against her staff, but he can see the slight rigidity in her posture, ready to strike at the first sign of hostility. “You’re human, but your fair skin is untainted by the Jakku sun. Also, your clothes. Anyone who wants to live to see another day wouldn’t wear such constricting clothes. Not to mention,” she pauses mid sentence and uses the end of her staff to gesture at his cape. “Unnecessary.”

Kylo wants to huff at her gibe, but who is he kidding? The sand had protected him from the intensity of Jakku’s searing heat, but now, out in the open, he’s victim to all of the planet’s elements. He can feel himself, what minimal skin he has exposed, beginning to blister under the sun. His hair already feels dry and brittle, ready to snap off at any moment, which would be convenient because his hair brushes past his shoulders now.

“So, how did you get here?” Rey asks when Kylo doesn’t speak.

“I don’t know.”

Suspicion clouds her eyes as her brows tilt downwards. “Really?”

It’s partly true. “You don’t believe me.”

“You see that ship behind us?” Kylo nods and Rey continues. “Well, it takes me a few minutes to get down from there to where we are now. During that whole time, there’s been no one in sight. When I got here early in the morning, there was no one around. I’ve used the same path to and from the ship. You weren’t here before, but judging from the sand, you’ve been buried there for a substantial amount of time.”

He can’t fault her logic and he can’t tell her that he got pulled through a portal that transported him through space and time to where he is now. Now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t know how far back in time he is. It must not be too long ago, judging by Rey’s appearance. She looks similar to how she appeared when he first met her on Takodana. If he truly has travelled back in time, Kylo must take into consideration the implications of altered timelines.

Spying her speeder, he wonders if he could convince her to give him a ride to wherever civilisation is. The only place of interest he knows on Jakku is the village of Tuanul, where San Tekka is. From his previous brief visit, he could tell it was remote and out of the way; he’d lay a bet that strangers seldom visited that area.

Kylo looks back to Rey. She is a scavenger. He knows there must be an outpost or a trading station somewhere nearby, for how else would she have survived all these years? While wracking his brain for the name of this place, Rey eventually grows tired of his silence.

“Okay, since you don’t know what’s going on yourself, do you want me to take you to Niima Outpost?”

She’s already begun making her way back to her speeder without waiting for Kylo to answer. He would have to be a fool to not take her up on her offer.

Still unsure of what he should say, he stomps through the sand towards the speeder, the grains sinking under his weight nearly causing him to trip. Wherever he is on Jakku, this sand is far softer than what it was like at the village.

“Careful!” Rey calls out, already straddling her speeder with her scavenged goods safely strapped to her ride.

He finally gets to her, his body thoroughly exhausted from the effort required to trudge through the sand under the weight of his heavy, dark clothing as the sun’s blazing heat beats down on him relentlessly.  Kylo licks his rapidly peeling lips and swings himself onto the speeder, hands automatically resting on her hips.

“Hold on and don’t look up or the sand will blind you,” she instructs, pulling her goggles down over her eyes once more before speeding into the distance.

He does as he’s told and rests his cheek against her back, eyes falling shut as specks of stray sand beat at his face. The whole experience is bizarre. To see Rey again and be able to touch her in comfort and without fear of being outright rejected; never in Kylo’s wildest dreams did he ever think this could happen. This experience is so different than all the other times they’ve physically touched and he can’t help but curl closer to her body, savoring each moment he has with her in this place. Unlike before, they’re not fighting each other, or for their lives. Despite her unfamiliarity with him, it’s the closest thing he can get to when they were together in the hut on Ahch-To, fingers barely brushing before she was cruelly ripped away.

He has to stop himself from tightening his grip on her when they reach Niima Outpost, hands relaxing against his will as she slips from her speeder and points him in the direction of a bustling marketplace.

“This is Niima Outpost and it’s probably your best bet at getting a ship off this planet, if you have the credits or something of value to trade with Unkar. He operates the Concession Stand over there.” Kylo follows Rey’s finger and makes out the large blob in his stand’s shade.

 “Constable Zuvio is also around, but he answers to Unkar so I don’t think he’ll be much help,” Rey comments. Her arms full of scavenged goods, she looks around with a frown, as if she has something else to say. Kylo continues to stare at her, awkward silence falling between them.

“Well, I guess this is good-bye. Hope you find your way.” And with that, she goes to the cleaning stand without another look.

Alone in the middle of the busy settlement, Kylo begrudgingly drags himself to the Concession Stand, knowing full well that he has nothing of value to trade. The line is long and it’s there that he analyses the average day of a scavenger. He isn’t sure what the going rate for scavenged parts is, but even he knows it’s a scam to trade half a portion for five power couplings and a compressor. Alas, no one argues, which boggles Kylo’s mind.

When it’s his turn, he tries to summon the Force once more. While the Concession Stand window is too tall for most of the scavengers, it is the perfect height for Kylo to stand his ground as he fixes a firm gaze at Unkar and says: “You will give me a ship.”

The Crolute lets out a deep bellied laugh. “Who do you think you are?” Unkar gives him a once over and sneers. “It looks to me that you’re in no position to make demands.”

Kylo’s ears flush at his failed attempt. “How much for a ride off this dump?” he asks persistently.

“More than you can afford.”

Scowling, Kylo rummages through his pockets and comes up with a few credit chips. Before he left the First Order ship, he had had the presence of mind to remember to bring some currency on his trip. He knows what little he has is barely enough to cover passage for a child, but he tries to bargain anyway.

Unkar swipes the black and gold cards before they’ve even left his hand, and holds them close to his face. The blob man grunts and slaps the cards against something that is just beyond Kylo’s vision, his sausage fingers drumming along the surface. A few moments pass and a low angry beeping is heard.

“It looks like we have ourselves a thief!” Unkar roars, a wide smile pulling from cheek to cheek.

“What?”

“It says here that these chips aren’t valid, but I’ll take it anyways.” Unkar’s fist slams down a bottle of water and three plastic packets. “They’ll be of use for off-worlders.”

“I’m an off-worlder,” Kylo grits out from between his tightly clenched teeth.

“Not anymore, you’re not. Now get out. You’re wasting my time. Next!”

Kylo has had enough. He wants to crush the very life from the large junk boss, and his knuckles whiten at the thought of getting his hands around the Crolute’s throat. “You will give me a ship,” he growls, eyes darkening as the Force fails him once again.

Unkar leans close enough that Kylo can smell the sour stench radiating from him. “No,” he says again.

Kylo’s jaw twitches and the last of his control vanishes in an instant. With their faces so close, he easily rears his head back and smashes his forehead against Unkar’s, the junk boss roaring in pain and outrage. As pathetic as he looks, Kylo tries reaching through the stand’s window, not to steal anything, but to take another shot at Unkar.

A pair of hands grasp his shoulders and pull him back, and before he knows what’s happening, several heavy kicks fall on his back, stomach, shins, and arms. The pain is bearable; after all, he didn’t survive all those years with Snoke for nothing, but the stinging burn in his eyes from the sand is a new experience that throws him off completely. He has no choice but to curl up into a ball in a desperate attempt to protect the more vital parts of his body, hands flying to cover his face and head.

There’s a shout from behind and his attackers are pulled off of him. Wheezing and trying his best not to choke on sand, he peeks from behind his arm and sees Rey fighting off three humanoid thugs with her quarterstaff. She’s all bite and ferocity, an ugly snarl on her face that brings him back to how they fought together on the _Supremacy_. Her fighting is dirty but graceful at the same time. It’s unique and he can’t help but watch with rapt attention.

Her face is grimy from dirt mixed with sweat, but she looks better than Kylo does. Even though she just fought off three thugs under the harsh Jakku sun, she looks unbothered by the effort and puts herself between him and Unkar. Her stance is crouched, ready to strike.

Unkar waves his hand and the thugs retreat, leaving them alone with a bunch of spectators. “Welcome to Jakku. Don’t count on little Rey to save you all the time, off-worlder.” Unkar laughs at his nickname for Kylo. “You may not be so lucky,” he says seriously, threat clear in his voice as his beady eyes bore into Kylo’s head. There’s a slight reddening dent on his forehead and Kylo suspects Unkar won’t acknowledge what must be throbbing pain in public. Can’t let everyone know that he’s vulnerable to a stranger’s attacks.

Suddenly, he tosses a pole at Kylo, who catches it perfectly. “You start tomorrow.”

Unkar regards them for a moment longer, throwing Rey a disapproving look before he dismisses them and returns to his long line once more. Rey is already a few steps away when she turns around and gestures at him to follow her with a tilt of her head. Kylo has no choice but to follow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *vibrates excitedly* a part of me wonders if i should be tagging this as slow burn rip


	4. Chapter 4

Ignoring how his body aches, Kylo gets to his feet with minimal effort using his pole and follows her to an empty tent off to the side. Each cleaning station has been abandoned, and judging by the sinking sun, all the scavengers have finished for the day. All except for Rey, who still carries her small netted sack of weathered parts.

“You should take your parts in for trade before it closes,” Kylo says, jabbing his thumb towards the dwindling line at Unkar’s stand.

Rey ignores his words, instead dumping her parts with a muffled thump against the sand and fixing him with an angry glare. “Do you have sandworms in your head?”

“What?” he asks, not following.

“Sandworms. Do you have them, or are you normally this reckless?”

The sound of the rusted window at Unkar’s stand sliding shut echoes through the emptying outpost and still, Rey does not budge. She doesn’t even cast a forlorn glance at her scavenged parts that won’t be traded in for rations today. She just stands there, jaw set and glaring up at Kylo.

Kylo doesn’t particularly understand why, especially since they’re still strangers at this point in time. Why should she even care if he gets beaten up by some thugs? Besides her dirtied face, her clothes hang off her body in a way that shows how brutal her life is. He knew, of course he knew, from the glimpses of stolen memories he had whisked from her mind when she was in his, but knowing and seeing are two different things. Now, he can’t help but get angry at her for wasting her day’s efforts on him.

“You should have traded while you had the chance!” He stands close to her, knowing full well he’s using his height to intimidate her.

She doesn’t back down. If anything, she straightens her back and bares her teeth in a snarl. “You should have told me you were a new scavenger.”

“I’m not!” Kylo argues, affronted by her conclusion.

“Only new scavengers do what you did, not realising that biting the hand that feeds you will only make things worse for you in the long run.”

Arguing at the end of the day wasn’t going to solve anything.  With a sense of dread settling in, he slowly realises that his stay on Jakku is going to be longer than he had planned, and more dangerous. Interacting with Rey was like holding a ticking time bomb; it’s only a matter of time before he let something slip that might cause their world to explode.

Not knowing what else to do, he shoves his long forgotten rations, which are now crushed in his hand, into her unsuspecting ones. “Payment for helping me today,” he says in a hurry before turning to leave.

“Hey, these are too many!” Rey makes a grab and presses two portions back into his hands, keeping one for herself.

“No, take it all. It’s only fair after all you’ve done.” He tries to give his rations to Rey once more, only for the scavenger to dodge his hands.

“Look, how about this. I’ll help set you up. I’ll teach you how to look for the best bits that Plutt looks for when trading.”

He shouldn’t accept. He knows he should shut her down, cruelly so she gets the point, and walk away. He definitely shouldn’t turn the idea over in his mind multiple times, or imagine how domestic and simple his life could be if he stayed on Jakku with Rey. And he definitely shouldn’t be nodding without a word, heart thumping loudly in his ears as Rey nods victoriously.

“Good. It might be tough to start off if you’re not used to it, but it’ll get better.” Even Kylo can tell through Rey’s chirpy voice that she doesn’t necessarily believe it herself.

Kylo casts a glance to the two ration packs in his hand. “Then you definitely need to take these,” he says, trying to push them towards her again. “It’s the least I can do.”

Rey lets out a snort and refuses them once again. “You’re going to need it for tomorrow, so don’t worry about it. Meet me here at sunrise so we can get an early start.”

She waves her single ration pack at him and is about to go when she stops and cautiously asks, “You gonna be all right tonight?”

He knows what she means. He has nowhere to go and can barely wrap his head around the fact that he’s gone from being the galaxy’s most powerful man to a complete nobody, but he understands Rey’s hesitation. Desert planets get cold at night, and he doesn’t expect Rey to extend her home to him, though he appreciates her concern for his well-being.

 “I’ll be fine,” he reassures her before adding a joke. “Good thing these robes are heavy.”

She bobs her head up and down. “What’s your name, by the way?”

This freezes Kylo in place. He contemplates giving her a fake name for a moment but decides against it at the last minute.

“Ben,” he says, feeling safe since it happens to be a fairly common name. Besides, scavenging could be dangerous and the last thing he needs is for them to get into an accident because he didn’t recognise his own fake name.  

She nods, none the wiser, and introduces herself.

“I’m Rey.”

_I know_ , hangs on the tip of his tongue as she leaves him alone at deserted Niima Outpost. Having nowhere to go, he finds a small alcove and wedges himself into it, wriggling to get comfortable. Taking a swig from his water bottle, he somehow manages to mix water into his ration pack with only a minimal amount of sand getting into the bread and rips a chunk off with his teeth. He flexes his hand as the other brings the rest of his ration to his lips and tries to summon something - anything - to him, only to fail once again. He cannot feel the Force within him or around him; he is disconnected from the very thing that he had considered a curse all his life. It is gone.

Then slowly, a ghost of a smile pulls at the corner of his mouth. Maybe this unfortunate time-bending  trip wasn’t so bad after all. Here, in this time and place, there are no expectations, no burdens. He runs his fingers through his facial hair as something like a plan begins to form in his head. There’s no way anyone was going to be able to connect him with Kylo Ren, whose face is still hidden from the public. He had always taken pride in being clean shaven and keeping his hair neat, so it was very likely that no one would recognise him in his current wild and ungroomed state..

He pops the rest of the ration into his mouth, hoping it puts an end to his stomach’s protests, and settles against the hardened sandstone. Yes, if he’s careful enough, this whole adventure could be very beneficial.

-

He barely sleeps a wink throughout the night and he wishes that he could attribute his sleeplessness to his excitement at the prospect of this potential new life that will allow him to be near Rey, and not just because of how piercingly cold the night air of the Jakku desert is. Regardless, he’s awake before the stars blink out of sight and he takes advantage of the barren outpost to alter his clothing to suit the oncoming blistering heat before the sun graces him with its presence.

Shedding his cape, Kylo makes a makeshift headpiece out of it to shield his sensitive skin from the sun. He was in the sun for only a few hours yesterday, most of which he spent buried in sand, and already, his skin has started to blister and peel. Maker knows what his skin would be like if he remained in the sun longer than needed. Next, he pulls his tunic from his body and gets to work ripping out the inner padding so all that remains are thin pieces of cloth that wouldn’t make him pass out from heat exhaustion.

By the time Rey finds him at the stroke of dawn, his appearance is more like a scavenger and less like an Imperial abandoned on a desert planet. She gives a low whistle and he tries his best not to preen at her nod of approval.

“All you need is a pair of goggles and you’ll be ready for whatever Jakku throws at you. It’s still early, so we should be the first ones at the digging site.”

They get on her speeder, Kylo’s hands once again finding purchase at her hips, and speed off in a random direction. Even with his new garb protecting his face, he still has to shut his eyes to save himself from going blind.

He’s glad that his normal clothes had included heavy, knee high boots, because the moment they reach their destination and he disembarks from the speeder, he feels his feet sinking ankle-deep into the scalding sand. Thankfully, his boots temper the searing heat into a dull warmth against the soles of his feet.

“It’s good that you had enough for Plutt to sell you a pole. You’re going to need that since the heat will wear down your gloves pretty quickly,” Rey explains as they wade through the sand towards the relics of destroyed TIE fighters.

He notices that her fingers are bare and wonders what the state of her hands are like.

“Use your pole to prod at different objects to make sure there aren’t things like scorpions underneath. You don’t wanna waste your energy on falling back in shock because of a critter. Look for anything that isn’t burnt to a crisp and I’ll see what we can do with it.”

As they get to work poking the wreckage, he thinks back to Niima Outpost. Whilst waiting in line, he had noticed that scavengers seemed to operate in groups, all helping each other, but Rey remained alone. It would make sense for Rey to team up with someone who actually knew how to scavenge, so why did she bother with him?

Kylo  watches her with his head tilted downwards. She skitters through the sand and wreckage with ease and knows exactly which pieces to poke and how to avoid being stung by scorpions. It’s almost like a dance that she does, hopping between TIE fighter panels.

There are other TIE fighters and X-wings around them, so they mill about the broken ships, slowly collecting a decent amount of parts to clean and hopefully trade in. Lunch time finally arrives and they take a break, finding a shaded area with some wreckage offering as cover.

As Kylo eats his last portion, he sees Rey going over their findings. “It’s not much, but it’ll do,” she comments, taking a bite of her own portion. “I found this, by the way. If you scrub it clean enough, you can hopefully get a pair of goggles for it.”

His throat constricts at the sight of the derelict TIE fighter pilot helmet in her hands.

“Why are you helping me?” he asks, wincing at how ungrateful he sounds.

The question doesn’t bother her, her shoulders rising and falling in a shrug. “I found you and brought you to Unkar Plutt. I guess I feel responsible for you. Any other scavenger would leave you to waste away in the sun, but I think everyone deserves a chance.”

She lets out a hollow laugh. “I mean, this isn’t much of a second chance, but it’s something. It’s better than the alternative.”

Death. The word hangs between them, unspoken, but they both know it’s the truth.

“How come you don’t scavenge with the others? Surely it would be easier than with me.”

“Let’s just say because of the history I have with the others, it’s better if I don’t go near them. Less chance that I’ll be double-crossed.”

“How do you know I won’t double-cross you?”

Rey lets out a bark of laughter, the sound absorbed by the sand around them.

“Please, you’re in no position to do anything. You fight well but you’re unfamiliar with this environment. It’s not in your best interest to challenge me.”

Kylo nods and agrees; he would be a fool to try something like that. Besides, fighting her is the last thing on his mind.

“Since we’re getting personal, how did you get that?” Rey asks, pointing to his face.

His hand immediately comes up to trace the almost faded line across his face.

“Got into a fight. Lost the fight, as you may have guessed.” Rey nods in assent and Kylo fights the grin that threatens to pull on his lips. Discussing his facial wound that her future self gave him feels outlandish and unreal, as if this should have never happened. “It really put things into perspective. If anything, I’m kinda thankful that she gave me this.”

Rey takes a swig from her canister and regards him with a thoughtful expression. “Reckon she’ll save you from here?”

_You’ve already saved me, more than once_ , he wants to say. He wants so badly to tell her everything, about what lies in the future, but he knows it would be pointless. Other than thinking he’s spouting nonsense, Kylo knows that she wouldn’t magically become the Rey he knows, so he sighs and pulls his headgear back in place, hiding most of his scar from sight. “Doubtful. No one knows I’m here.”

“You never know. Someday, she might come.”

Before he realises what he’s saying, he asks her a question, knowing the answer before she’s even replied. “Are you waiting for someone?”

Her smile falters a bit. “Yeah, yeah I am. My family. They left--They’re away at the moment. They’ll come back,” she says after much deliberation, stopping herself from telling him that her parents had left her on the desert wasteland.

He can see the cogs in her mind turning, the lie firmly ingrained into her psyche so that it never leaves. He knows that nothing he says will change her mind. Not now at least, so he nods and lends an open ear. “They’ll come back.”

“Yeah, yeah they will,” she says, and if he nods along with her, he can almost forget the fib with which she clouds her mind.

He doesn’t exactly know how he would go about it, but the urge to whisk her away from this heartbreaking life returns with a vengeance, so he stands up suddenly and tries to put some space between them. The sun is now high in the sky and at its harshest. He doesn’t have to look far to see heat hazes, the wavy mirage lines playing tricks on his eyes. If he touched the sand with his bare hands, he knows the pain would be excruciating.

“How do you survive without gloves?” Kylo asks.

Another shrug. “I guess I’m used to it now. No way would I touch sand at this time of day, but when it’s cooler it’s more manageable. I usually try and scavenge larger ships that are shaded, and there’s always the risk of sand burn, but I make do. You get used to it, I suppose. Come on, I still need to show you around before we head back to the outpost.”

Together, they carry their scavenged parts back to her speeder and tack it onto the side. He knows they are somewhere north-west of Niima and he mentally prepares to keep track of their position when Rey starts the speeder once again. She tells him that the area they are in is at the edge of the Goazon Badlands and the further into the Goazon he travelled, the more Imperial walkers he would encounter. She briefly points in an easterly direction and mentions a place called Old Meru’s, where he can stop for supplies and water if he needs to.

Her finger strays northerly and Rey looks Kylo dead in the eye.

“Don’t go north-east. Bandits and ex-crims dwell there. You don’t wanna get mixed up with them.”

Once satisfied by Kylo’s nod of agreement, Rey changes direction and speeds west until a giant Star Destroyer looms over them. Kylo can’t help but bask in the cool shade, a blessing from spending hours in the sun. Graveyard of Giants, she calls it and he can’t help but shiver at how up close they get to the thrusters. First Order ships are slightly different to the old Imperial design, but seeing relics of these once mighty warships littering the sand makes him wonder what the point of it all was.

While Rey is busy cruising between the ships, Kylo becomes lost in thought. His mind is on the past few months he’s been Supreme Leader and the state of the galaxy as he knows it. As far as he knows, the First Order was the better alternative to the corrupt government that was in power, a mere shadow of the flawed old Republic. A bit too similar to the old Republic, if he was being honest. After all, he knows firsthand that nothing had really changed.

His mother had spent hours upon hours trying to help the people of the New Republic, and even though he isn’t completely sure of the details of what passed between her and the Senate, he knows that Leia and her Resistance are alone now. His uncle once believed in the new system, but in the end, it didn’t matter enough to him to bother to stay and support it. Even after he left, everyone still revered Jedi Master Luke Skywalker. Skywalker….just thinking of that name brings a rancid taste to Kylo’s tongue.

No, he has to believe that the First Order was the better alternative. It still is, especially now that Snoke is out of the way.

He’s not an idiot. Kylo knows the First Order is extreme and far from perfect, but if anything, both the First Order and the New Republic were on the same shaky ground when it came to certain issues within the galaxy. Both sides gave way to corruption when unsupervised. And he knows he shouldn’t be the one who has the final say, but after all he’s been through, who else would be fit for the role? Hux? Kylo snorts at the very idea.

But he knows Hux. As manipulative and calculating as the General is, if Kylo could give the man a good enough reason to remain loyal to the First Order and its new Supreme Leader, it should be the end of discussion. If he can successfully appeal to the man’s vanity, any inkling of a mutiny that Hux might be entertaining would be gone in an instant. Hux is correct in that he controls the military, but he’s no leader. The galaxy would burn to ash under Hux’s iron clad regime, so Kylo can only hope he can find a reason for the fair-skinned man to follow him.

Kylo takes a break from his thoughts when Rey gestures into the distance and starts to tell tales of a man who sits atop a pillar that can be seen from Pilgrim’s Road. It’s the only thing visible for miles, the dot of an unmoving man against the backdrop of red-yellow. A dark thought crosses his mind as the sitter disappears into the distance and into the back of Kylo’s mind.

_As least I can become like the sitter if this whole Supreme Leader thing doesn’t work out._

By the time they make it back to Niima Outpost, a fine layer of dried sweat overlays Kylo’s face. In direct sunlight his sweat would dry as fast as it was produced, but now in the shade of the cleaning stations, his hair begins to plaster to his face as he furiously scrubs the odd bits he scavenged that day. Rey’s next to him, unbothered by the sweat dripping down her cheek and rolling off her chin. He tries to rub the sweat from his face with his shoulder, only to fail when more sweat replaces the line he just mopped.

“Here.”

Kylo looks up to see Rey offer him an elastic band. He takes it with a nod of gratitude and sweeps his hair back, trying his best to gather all his locks into a bun. He can’t help but grin as he warms to his new life as a scavenger. He still has no idea how to go about his interactions with Rey, never mind how to return to his own timeline. Even though he had already spent a month floating around doing virtually nothing, it’s nice to take a breather and really relax. Even if his skin peels at the first sign of sun and his hair is the worst it’s ever been, being with Rey without the burden of their complicated history makes it worth it all.

A part of Kylo wonders if he’s accepted his fate too easily, but he can’t find it in him to care. Not even when Plutt gives him a once over, nodding in approval at the scavenged pieces before dumping measly ration packs that are barely enough to survive on into Kylo’s hand. He wouldn’t say that he’s been one hundred percent welcomed into the scavenger fold, he knows he still has a lot of work to do, but if Plutt hasn’t decided to continue their earlier disagreement then he must be making progress.

“I’ll show you more of the north-east areas and hopefully set you up with some permanent shelter tomorrow. There hasn’t been a X'us'R'iia in a while so it’s only a matter of time before another one hits,” Rey says as they share a meal on the outskirts of Niima Outpost.

He’s still trying to figure out how close he’s meant to be with Rey, so he nods, not particularly sure what a X'us'R'iia is.

It’s not until all the light that’s left are purple streaks amongst the darkening sky that Rey finally gets up to head back to her home. Kylo wants to thank her for all that she’s done for him, for now and in the past, but he was never good with words. His botched proposal on the _Supremacy_ is evidence enough.

She lingers a fraction longer than necessary before starting back to her speeder, as if sensing his unspoken words.

“See you tomorrow,” Kylo says awkwardly with a wave.

Straddling her speeder, she shoots him a small smile before her face is hidden behind her mask once again.

That night, he dreams of her and her memories. They’re the ones he plucked from her mind that have manifested and become clear as day. Whether or not they’ve always been there, or if they’ve appeared because of his interactions with her, he isn’t sure. He drifts deeper into sleep, mind unraveling as he sees Rey’s memories.

He sees how befuddled she is to encounter a strange man buried in the desert, and how oddly at ease she feels around him, much to her initial displeasure. He dreams of her inner thoughts, how even though she never scavenges with a group, she thinks that teaming up with Ben might finally mean that she isn’t alone on Jakku anymore. She’s still wary of him - he is a stranger, after all - but working with him feels different than when she was with Devi and Strunk, the two who had cheated her out of her hard work months before. She doesn’t want to say that there’s trust between herself and Ben, but she sees him as someone with his heart on his sleeve. Kylo smiles faintly in his sleep at that thought, and knows he’s only like that with her. Only Rey.

But as he searches for more memories of himself on Jakku with her, he comes up empty. Those two days with him are all Rey has because their meal together at sundown is the last she sees of him in this time. When she tries to find him the next day, she comes up empty and the bitter loneliness settles in once again. It takes her half a day to recover from his disappearance, forcing him from her thoughts as she returns to the sand dunes, alone.

Even in his sleep, a frown morphs onto his face. Two days? That’s it?

His consciousness is already swimming to the surface when a heavy sack is thrust over his head and he’s dragged off in an unknown direction into the night. Kylo doesn’t even get a chance to yell or punch at the offenders when something stabs his side and electricity courses through his body, shocking his mind until all that’s left is darkness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sitter](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Sitter)
> 
> [Map of Jakku](http://www.jedinews.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/GA_Jakku-Compressed.jpg)
> 
> [X'us'R'iia](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/X%27us%27R%27iia)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all your comments! A few of you are curious in regards to Kylo's lack of Force abilities and how Kylo in the past will affect Rey and well...I guess you'll have to wait and see! I hope the future chapters answer your questions to some extent but I have intentionally left a lot of it vague/open. Time is often a confusing aspect to stories and I did some research in the type of time travel stories there are in media these days. I must admit, my favorite types are the ones that can be put on indefinite loops because, to me, it's very smart and mind blowing when everything falls into place. This fic started as an inspiration from Looper and has become more of a Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban scenario instead. Sooooo that's that haha. I just *clenches fist* really like time travel.
> 
> But anyways, I guess by the time the last chapter is posted and you would still like to talk about time travel and possibilities in this fic, feel free to reach out to me on tumblr! ~~i set up a specific universe set of rules of time travel for this fic that I fear may not be explained to its full extent ;-;~~
> 
> Also, I'll probably be adding a few more tags as I go~

Kylo is weary of waking up to discover that his current situation has grown infinitely worse than whatever he was dealing with before. The first thing he notices as he gains awareness of his new surroundings is that his ankles and wrists are bound in metal cuffs, arms behind his back, and that there’s something heavy and uncomfortably snug around his neck. The object is not so tight that it interferes with his breathing, but tight enough that the coarse metallic material grates at his skin as he attempts to work out the giant crick in his neck. Coming to a somewhat gruesome conclusion, Ben doesn’t even need to open his eyes and look to know it’s a collar. Horrified, with his mind still clouded by sleep, he swallows the lump that forms in his throat, only to almost cut his neck against the collar when his Adam’s apple bobs up and down.

“Rise and shine, Your Majesty.”

It takes a whole minute for Kylo to get over the shock at his new circumstances before he can properly look at the man who had addressed him. ‘Man’ is somewhat of a stretch as he assesses the being before him. It - he? _-_ has no visible eyes or mouth, only green plates and breathing tubes with some sort of voice distorter built into his head. Whether or not that is the being’s face or a mere helmet, Kylo isn’t sure, and he is unable to dwell on it for long before becoming distracted by the man’s strange head constantly rocking side to side. The man has a staff in his hand and Kylo guesses that many other weapons are hidden from sight beneath the man’s dirty red robe.

Kylo struggles against his bindings again, the chains attached to his collar clanking loudly against the metal pole he’s tied to. “What did you call me?” he snarls, the sharp burning around his neck and wrists doing nothing to abate his anger.

The man lets out a low, deep laugh. “The off-worlder has spirit! Plutt was right about you!” he cackles, head still rocking back and forth.

Someone chuckles and it’s only then that Kylo notices that he’s not alone. There are five other scavenger-like beings littered around the dimly lit tent he’s in, all with various weapons either strapped to their bodies or in their hands.

Even though he knows he can’t use the Force to escape, Kylo is unable to resist trying to summon it. He imagines ripping free of his bindings as though they are nothing before taking the taunting man’s neck into his own bare hands, applying pressure slowly so that the plates that cover the man’s face let out satisfying pops as they come loose from his head. He visualizes snatching the electrostaffs from the remaining scavengers and plunging the crackling tips into their eyes, mouth, stomachs; anywhere that would cause them unbelievable pain.

His fantasies fuel him and almost manage to convince him that he still has his previous access to the Force. Kylo charges at the man, only to be held back by his choking restraints. “You will let me go!” he growls, teeth grinding against each other so hard that his jaw starts to throb.

Suddenly, the faceless man crouches in front of him. “Look here, off-worlder. I don’t know what planet you hail from, or what your background is, but it doesn’t matter. You were sold to me by The Blobfish. You’re mine now, boy. The sooner you realise this, the better it’ll be for you.”

To rub salt on Kylo’s wounds, he holds up a remote that has been fused into his arm and taps one of the many buttons. Kylo’s collar lets out a searing burst of crackling energy that strangles him as it surges through his body, leaving him spasming on the sand. The faceless man places his heavy boot over Kylo’s face, applying just enough pressure to prevent him from moving.

“Behave like an animal, be treated like an animal. Do I make myself clear?” he sneers.

Kylo feels like his head might crack at any moment, so he begrudgingly concedes defeat. “Yes,” he manages through his clenched teeth.

“‘Yes’, what?” The faceless man leans over, close enough to Kylo’s face that he can hear liquid being fed through the tubes.

“Yes, _Master_.” The words are like acid in his mouth. He never thought he would have to call someone ‘Master’ ever again.

When the worst of the pressure is gone from his head, and with his hands still restrained behind his back, Kylo rubs his head against the soft sand, trying his best to massage his sore and rapidly bruising face. If looks could kill, or if Kylo was still able to summon the Force, the faceless man would be dead in an instant. Alas, the man just cackles at the sight of sand plastered all over Kylo’s injured face.

“Now that that’s out of the way, it’s time to get you started. You’ll fit in nicely with our happabores. After all, you animals react so nicely when prodded.” As if to demonstrate, the man taps the sizzling end of his electrostaff against the sand, sending grains flying everywhere.

Two nearby scavengers undo the long chain keeping Kylo connected to the tent’s center pole. Seizing him roughly, each scavenger takes one of Kylo’s arms and drags him outside. Kylo’s eyes burn from the sudden brightness of the sun and he can barely prepare himself before being thrust down onto the sand once again. The shackles around his ankles and wrists stay on for a moment longer before they are also removed, though the scavengers keep their hands firmly latched to Kylo’s wrists as they give him his instructions.

“Don’t even think about running,” the faceless man says, flashing the remote on his arm once more. “All my slaves have a collar and you can ask anyone here what will happen if you try to run. No one escapes from Sarco Plank unscathed.”

Kylo figures there’s a large toothy smile on Sarco’s face, if he even has one, judging from the sadistic tone of his voice.

Another scavenger interrupts Sarco from doling out more threats and pulls him away, leaving Kylo alone. Not far from him is a wooden pen with a single happabore inside. Looking around, he sees that the tent he came from is one of many, all with different types of people milling about. Everyone has a collar around their neck, just as Sarco said, and each person looks worse for wear with their sickly skin and less than ideal weight.

Suddenly, a shadow falls over him. Still lying on the ground, Kylo looks up to see a being in heavy sand colored robes with black goggles over their eyes and a grid-shaped mouthpiece. A bunch of garbled words in an alien language erupts from the being before it points to a large pile of crates to the side of the tent. Kylo stares blankly at the alien, confused and becoming agitated by the second. The alien - Grid Mouth, as Kylo mentally dubs them - points ever more furiously at the crates before giving him a taste of his electrostaff.

This time, the pain is not as bad as before. Maybe it’s because Sarco’s cronies have a lower voltage programmed in their electrostaffs, or maybe it’s because during his time under Snoke’s thumb, Kylo had had to learn how to quickly adapt to physical pain, or channel it into something else. Eventually, he learned to channel his pain into physical power, though internalizing some of it was an unavoidable side effect that still brings him much grief and regret. Either way, the electricity doesn’t make him spasm on the ground again. If anything, it only serves to intensify his hatred towards Sarco and whatever organisation he’s running.

Slowly, Kylo rises to his feet, feeling ready to rip the alien limb from limb and burn the organisation to the ground, when Sarco appears once again in all the commotion.

Instead of using the collar or an electrostaff, he shoots Kylo.

Kylo gets a glimpse of the blaster as Sarco pulls it from his robes and it’s unlike anything he’s ever seen before in his life; this one is specially modified, for sure. The pulse it emits blinds him momentarily and almost causes him to pass out.

Crumpled on the sand once again, Kylo gasps for air as he claws at the ground before him. All he can see at first is darkness and eventually the light trickles back, bringing some focus. A hand yanks his head back, the roots of Kylo’s hair on the verge of snapping from his scalp, and brings him close to the vocoder on Sarco’s face.

“You’re going to be a difficult one, aren’t you?” Sarco hisses, and Kylo can hear a hint of sadistic pleasure in his voice. “This is your last warning, off-worlder. Do as you’re told or you’ll join the others who tried to escape.”

Through a cracked eye, Kylo can barely make out a secluded area just beyond their camp. He has few guesses as to what that place is, so he begrudgingly nods once again.

“Good. Now, load the crates. We’re already running late.”

With a final shove, Sarco lets go of his hair. Kylo’s sight has almost returned fully, the edges are still blurred, but it’s enough. He can see where the crates and happabores are, which is all that matters.

Keeping his head down and trying not to stumble, he’s able to reach the area with the crates. They’re heavy and with his body still feeling the effects of Sarco’s blaster, it takes him longer than it would if he was in prime condition to load the crates. Kylo can’t resist snarling at Grid Mouth, who shouts at him in return, but he does as he’s told.

What the kriff is inside these boxes? He tries jiggling the crates and feels something solid knock against the sides, muffled by some sort of padding within. Kylo shakes them again, more vigorously, like a kid opening a gift on the morning of their birthday. He hears more heavy knocking and when he tries for a third time, Grid Mouth drops the end of his electrostaff on the lid, stopping him from damaging the goods. More angry yelling and hand waving until finally, Kylo drops the crate in the makeshift wagon that is attached to a happabore.

The happabore lets out a low, miserable sounding moan, which immediately makes Kylo snap to attention. Upon closer inspection, the wagon is attached to a tight leather harness around the animal’s body and thick limbs. With every nudge or bump of the wagon, the leather straps would pull and pinch the area where the legs met the body. It also has an electric collar of its own.

A wave of regret washes over Kylo; he would not be surprised if Sarco ignored the wellbeing of the happabore, securing the leather straps around its legs without checking if it caused any pain. Or maybe Sarco knew and that was why the harness was attached this way. Each option being equally cruel, Kylo takes extra care to gently lower the crates into the wagon from that point on, making sure not to jostle it unnecessarily. The happabore lets out another noise before turning forward again, chin resting on the sand as it waits for Kylo to finish loading.

Kylo is sweating by the time he completes his task and gestures at Grid Mouth. He’s somewhat proud that he was able to load the wagon with minimal pain inflicted upon the happabore. Of course, his pride deflates when the alien haphazardly climbs aboard the animal without a single care for its comfort, judging by the way the happabore opens its mouth to let out a silent cry.

“Hey!” Kylo doesn’t know what he was going to do or say, but as he marches to where Grid Mouth is perched upon the animal’s back, a holographic chain appears, joining himself and the happabore by their collars. “Wha-”

And then, they’re moving.

Even though the animal has short, stubby legs, it crosses large lengths of land at a time, practically dragging Kylo with it. He doesn’t have time to feel humiliation at his predicament because he’s too busy trying to keep up, not particularly wanting to be dragged around by the neck through the dust. He knows the moment he falters and falls down would mean the end for him. The chain connected to the happabore’s collar is not as long as he would like it to be; his skull would likely be crushed under the animal’s heavy feet if he were to go down. Kylo can’t risk stopping, even for a moment, even when his body starts to ache beyond belief. He doesn’t know how far, or how long he’s been travelling  until the familiar tents and metal gateway of Niima Outpost comes into view. If he were to hazard a guess, he would estimate Sarco’s camp as being slightly north-east of Niima Outpost, the same direction Rey had warned him against going.

So, these were the bandits that dwelled there. Upon seeing the squashed face of Unkar Plutt again, Sarco’s throwaway words hit him like a brick.

_‘The off-worlder has spirit! Plutt was right about you!’_

As if sensing his presence, the Crolute in question looks up from his concession stand and lets out a deep laugh. There’s barely anyone around at Niima Outpost right now. It’s too early and too hot out for the scavengers to return with their daily findings, the sun has yet to make its way to the highest point in the sky. Understanding starts to dawn on Kylo as Grid Mouth guides the happabore right up to Unkar’s stand.

“You’re late,” Unkar grunts as he stabs a button hidden inside his stand with his sausage-like finger.  

Grid Mouth lets out a string of angry words and points at Kylo in the process.

“No excuses. Let Plank know he has three days.” Unkar jabs a finger at Grid Mouth and Kylo before he goes back to whatever he was doing before they arrived.

A back door to the concession stand is now open and reveals a moderately sized storage room. Kylo doesn’t think twice before he starts to unload the wagon, his eyes wandering around, soaking in the contents of Unkar’s stand. One corner is empty, so he drops the crates in that spot, but Kylo takes notice of other crates and netted bags against the wall closest to Unkar’s usual spot in the stand. Curiosity gets the best of him and he takes a closer look inside the existing crates. He immediately recognises the TIE fighter pilot helmet he had traded in the day before, sitting atop a pile of other scavenged goods that had probably been collected over the past few days.

“Hurry up and get that out of my sight,” Unkar says as he looks down at Kylo, who crouches next to the exposed crates. “Can’t have you lingering around when Rey gets back.”

“ _You_ — _“_

Before Kylo can stand to full height and lunge at the disgusting alien, Grid Mouth jabs him in the back with his electrostaff, preventing Kylo from attempting to move. The metal point pierces his skin as it delivers the electric charge and is kept firmly in place, forcing Kylo onto the lightly dusted floor of the concession stand. Unkar barely spares him another glance before tossing Grid Mouth a sack and dismissing them with a wave of his hand.

After what feels like an eternity, Grid Mouth takes pity on him and puts a stop to the torture. Kylo’s lungs open up at the absence of electric pain and he cannot take in the fresh air fast enough. Grid Mouth says something short and commanding before retreating from the concession stand.

With the same care as before, Kylo loads the happabore’s cart with the new crates, albeit struggling slightly more this time around. He had thought that his years of training with both Luke Skywalker and Snoke had made him immune to any intense pressure the galaxy could throw at him, but evidently, he was wrong.

He forces himself into a light jog to keep up with the happabore, his tongue darting out to lick the beads of sweat that roll down his face and drench his clothes as his throat seizes up from the effort. If Kylo had any energy left to spare, he would lose himself to a coughing fit. He weakly pushes the nearly non-existent saliva down his throat and continues forward.

In just three days, he has gone from being the Supreme Leader of the First Order, to a lowly slave trapped in the past. And if that didn’t put things in perspective about the state of the galaxy, nothing would.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sarco Plank](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Sarco_Plank)
> 
> [Happabores](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Happabore)
> 
> A note for the next few chapters: there is a point to this, I swear. 
> 
>  
> 
>  


	6. Chapter 6

It was almost sundown when Kylo arrived back at Sarco’s camp and all he remembered from that night was shoving down some bland veg-meat from a portion packet with a small canteen of water before promptly passing out in the slaves’ designated sleeping area.

He’s forced awake the next day at the crack of dawn by someone’s foot. Even though he had spent only one day “working” for Sarco, Kylo feels completely worn to the bone the next morning. His muscles are practically screaming at him when he pushes himself up onto his elbow, too tired and stiff to snap at the foot that so rudely awakened him. Nearby slaves barely spare him a glance; everyone is busy folding a large number of old, scratchy, thin blankets and stacking them neatly against the edge of the tent as they get ready for the day ahead. Even though he can’t recall getting a blanket the night before, Kylo takes the opportunity to have a good look around the tent as he pitches in with blanket folding. As far as he can tell, no one has any personal possessions other than the clothes they’re wearing; even the blankets appear to be community property.

Blankets all folded, Kylo and the other slaves head out to begin the day’s work.  The moment he steps outside and heads toward the happabores, a masked scavenger intercepts him. Speaking roughly in Basic, he roughly pushes Kylo towards one of the three tents that the rest of the slaves are  filing into. It’s only once he’s part of the crowd that he first gets a really good look at his fellow slaves.

There’s a mix of humans and other races present, all lining long tables with various bits of salvage before them, everyone tinkering away with their heads down as various armed guards watch from the perimeter. Kylo takes up an empty spot near a pair of Twi'leks and a Dybrinthe; everyone else around look to be humans with dirty faces and rags hanging off their bony bodies. Kylo sticks out like a sore thumb; his clothing is clearly the cleanest and most intact out of everyone in the room.

Before him on the table are several parts and next to them is a device that looks to be a pen. He sees everyone using the pen to clean the parts and follows suit. The pen cleans the parts better than the primitive tools used in the cleaning stations at Niima Outpost; the sonic device practically lifts the rust and grime from the metal. However, the random pieces are useless without other compatible parts and even though there are empty crates in the middle of the tent to dump the cleaned bits, Kylo is clueless as to what Sarco plans to do with them.

After an hour or so of cleaning, another group of slaves come into the tent, handing out bits of rations for breakfast. There’s nothing to wash his hands, so Kylo has no choice but to quickly shove the food into his mouth before resuming his work, ignoring the way his teeth crunch on grains of sand that had transferred onto his portion.

The day drags on and on, much to Kylo’s displeasure. The crick in his neck is working its way down his back and he doesn’t dare move, knowing the moment he shifts or changes position will only create more discomfort.

Not long after the slaves in charge of the food have returned to dole out a sad excuse for lunchtime rations, a slave behind him collapses. While the sound of the weary body meeting the sand makes Kylo turn around suddenly, his bones cracking and muscles screaming as he moves, everyone around him continues to work without seeming to spare a thought for the fallen slave. Two guards come and haul the man out of the work tent, his feet leaving two lines in the sand as the only evidence of his existence as he is dragged away. No one is bothered by the slight interruption, the sound of sonic pens filling the void once again.

Cringing as he licks his dry lips, Kylo gets up and approaches one of the guards. “Toilet,” he says.

The guard nods and pushes him outside with the butt of his blaster, guiding him through the camp with the occasional nudge when Kylo lingers too long by each tent’s entrance. With each tent he peers into, more pieces fall into place about Sarco’s organisation and how Unkar Plutt fits into all this. Each tent is like a page from a storybook of nightmares given to children to frighten them into compliance.

The scavenged parts that were nothing but unusable piles of scrap now gleaned and shined, the once useless fragments now a part of something more. It’s jarring to see modified weapons with new casings being put together by tired slaves’ bloodied fingers.

The last tent contains crates much like the one he had loaded onto the happabore’s cart yesterday, and inside is Sarco, along with the slave who collapsed. Sarco is leaning close to the worn out slave, whispering something to him. Even though Kylo is only meant to be passing, Sarco catches his eye immediately and holds his gaze longer than necessary. Then, before Kylo can react, Sarco takes a blaster from one of the open containers and shoots the slave point blank in the head. The slave drops like a sack of potatoes, unmoving as Sarco stands over the body, eyes still locked onto Kylo’s.

As the now lifeless body is dragged away, Sarco drops the weapon back into its crate and tilts his head at Kylo, as if telling him to come follow, before instructing the guards to gather up the slave’s corpse. Kylo doesn’t know what his earlier guard is doing, so he follows Sarco’s hint, making sure to keep a tent-sized distance between them.

Sarco stops at the edge of a slight cliff that leads down to a large mass of desert beyond the tents. It’s not a perfectly flat bit of land, but rather full of rolling bumps that Kylo assumes are from past sandstorms. He couldn’t be more wrong.

Kylo watches with disgust as Sarco delivers a brutal kick to the slave’s body as it is being held up by the  guards. Unable to blink or take his eyes away  from the sight of the rolling body, with its various limbs sticking out in all directions, Kylo watches as it tumbles into the ditch at the bottom of the hill. Sarco lets out a low laugh once the body reaches the bottom, taking nothing but pleasure from the spectacle.

Eventually, the guard from before gives Kylo a shove and indicates the ditch with the butt of his blaster. Pissing into the same place where they dump their bodies? Revulsion cannot even come close to what he’s feeling as he goes about doing his business, his back turned to Sarco. When he finishes and turns around, Sarco and his personal guards are gone, but the warning is clear: do not step out of line or this will be your future.

Kylo returns to his station without complaint and cleans the never ending supply of broken parts in silence. As the day goes on, he wonders how long the other slaves have been there, and how their bodies fare doing this kind of work, day in and day out. He’s only been working for a day and already it feels like his joints have been filled with sand, his phalanges grinding up against one another so strongly that he could swear they are making audible sound. If he’s not careful, the sand will eventually fill his lungs and choke him in his sleep. The effects of existence on Jakku are already wearing his body down and  he wonders how Rey has managed all these years, but then remembers that she’s the strongest survivor he’s ever known.

_Stronger than I could ever be_ , he muses to himself, heart growing heavy as he realises that this could be it for him. Nowhere in Rey’s memories does he appear again.

He wants to give up. As weak as it sounds, after everything he’s been through, laying down to die is extremely appealing at the moment. Dying right now would make everything he’s accomplished be for naught, but he’s so, so tired. He feels as though he’s lived a decade in a few short weeks, the last four days the longest of all that time. After spending most of his life feeling like he was exchanging one master for another, Kylo wonders if he’s ever been free. He thought he was finally free after killing Snoke, but then he immediately became a servant to the First Order’s best interests, or he hopes more accurately, the galaxy’s. He supposes the few weeks he had spent adrift and alone in space was the closest to feeling free, but could one be free when they were endlessly tormented by  their own thoughts and fears? He just wishes everything could be simpler, better. Looking down at his hands, Kylo thinks of how many crimes they’ve committed, about how many innocent lives they’ve taken from the galaxy, and he knows that he is completely undeserving of happiness.  

But Rey…

She’s the only person whose happiness matters to him, and judging from how she seemed during their brief shared moment through the bond before he crashed on the asteroid, being with the Resistance didn’t make her happy in the way he expected it to. She was still miserable, though slightly better off than being a nobody on Jakku, scraping by every day in order to stay alive. He wants to make it better for her, make her happy, but he doesn’t know how he can at this point. He can’t go back and surrender himself to her or the Resistance, even if he wanted to. He’s stuck in the past as a slave. Maybe he could make her living conditions in the past more comfortable.

He searches his mind as he combs through the memories he saw in her thoughts and still, their interactions end on day two. He didn’t think time travel was even possible, so trying to wrap his head around the consequences and possible time paradoxes from his trip into the past is enough to give him a headache. And he doesn’t need a headache with an already limited supply of water.

It’s not long before the workday is over and as the slaves mill about, savoring their precious free time before bed, Kylo breaks from the crowd to look around the camp. There are several happabore pens around Sarco’s camp, each holding a lone animal. He’s not sure which pen is holding the happabore he worked with yesterday, but the one he’s lingering by feels right. As if to confirm his suspicions, the happabore lifts up its head and lets out a playful huff before nudging the rusty metal fence that imprisons it.

With all the other slaves in the camp keeping to themselves, Kylo is alone.  The only being he could possibly call an ally is the happabore before him. Kylo lets out a soft sigh and pets the animal’s snout. He feels like a child all over again the moment his palm meets the leathery skin and his eyes meet the happabore’s. The animal’s eyes are partially obstructed by its wrinkly skin and Kylo feels a sense of great age and innocence at the same time. For all he knows, the happabore has been in this miserable place its whole life. It should feel anger towards everyone, it should snap at everyone, but it has decided to give Kylo a chance. The hope he sees in the happabore’s eyes reminds him of his previous optimism about Rey. There’s a dull thud in his heart at that thought, remembering how he wanted - begged - Rey to be with him, and how devastated he was by her rejection. His heartbeat grows stronger and faster as he recalls  how it felt when they fought together to defeat Snoke and he knows that it was one of the highest points in his life; for in those brief moments, they were on the same side, they were together, and it felt right in a way that nothing ever had before.

A sudden jolt of energy surges through Kylo’s body, reviving his dying flame. He has to leave this place immediately and try to find a way to fix things; for Rey, for the galaxy, and maybe if he’s lucky, for himself.

He wishes he could take the happabore with him, but he will do his best to set it free; to set all the slaves and animals free. As if sensing his thoughts, the happabore lets out a hopeful whine and nuzzles its snout into Kylo’s hand once again. Unlike Rey, the happabore is giving him a chance. Unlike Rey, the happabore believes in him. His heart feels a twinge of bitterness as he is reminded again of Rey’s rejection of his offer on the _Supremacy_.

“Beautiful creatures, aren’t they?” Sarco says, appearing out of nowhere to join him at the pen.

Immediately, Kylo is on guard. He pulls his hand from the animal and backs away from Sarco, not quite sure what the man’s intentions are. Sarco laughs at his reaction and takes up the spot he just vacated.

“No need to be on guard with me. I trust my little demonstration has made it clear who’s in charge here, yes?” he says offhandedly as he reaches to pet the happabore the same way Kylo had just done.

“Yes.”

“You have spirit that I have not seen in a long time. Work hard enough and prove your loyalty and you could really earn a place in my camp. Who knows, maybe I’ll eventually trust you enough to remove that collar from around your neck.” Sarco’s words are interrupted by his own laugh, clearly amused at something about this exchange. “Won’t be for a long time, but I have use for a man of your build. And I can tell you are intelligent, far more intelligent than this bunch. Or this animal.”

Sarco shoves his fist into one of the happabore’s nostrils, causing the animal to roar in pain. Kylo is about to grab ahold of Sarco and do something - anything - to make him stop when Sarco merely tuts and hold up his arm, flashing the collar’s controller at him. “Ah, ah, ah. We’re going to need you to work faster tomorrow. A buyer is coming the day after tomorrow and we need you to give what we have to Plutt in exchange for more parts.”

Kylo doesn’t know if Sarco is talking to him or the happabore, but through gritted teeth, he responds anyways. “You’re selling weapons to off-worlders.”

“Ah, there’s the intelligence I was talking about.” Kylo takes in what he assumes is a wide cheek to cheek grin on Sarco’s face as he taunts him.

“For what? What’s the point of credits if you stay on this rock?”

Sarco slumps against the pen and turns to Kylo, fist still deep inside the happabore’s nose as the animal strains to get away. “What’s the point of anything in this galaxy? One day, you’ll understand there’s more to it than credits and gold. One day you’ll understand what it’s like to play god.”

At this last word, he rips his fist from the happabore and the sight of red trickling from the animal’s nose makes Kylo leap into action, teeth bared in rage. His fingers graze against Sarco’s helmet before he finds himself on the ground yet again, the familiar pain of biting electricity coursing through him and filling every crevice of his body. Through his spasms, Kylo hears the happabore growling next to him.

Sarco steps into sight and sighs pointedly at him, disappointment dripping in the air. Kylo deeply wishes he could plunge his saber into Sarco’s rocking head and he can almost taste the victory the moment when he is able to snap the alien’s neck. “What’s the point of credits when you can hold power over someone’s life? Nothing is more satisfying.” Sarco pulls a blaster from his robes and holds it close to the green plates covering his face. “It’s quite fun to watch the scavengers turn on each other, or work in teams to take another group down. Arm them with a few interesting weapons and the drama you get is as good as anything on the HoloNet.”

The collar’s prickling electricity subsides long enough for Kylo to regain his breath and feel the barrel of Sarco’s blaster press against his forehead.

“It would be so easy to end your life, you know that, off-worlder? To see you crumple from my blaster and watch until every bit of life leaves your body. I have to remind myself every day that I shouldn’t take the easy way out. It’s not fair to me, especially after all the energy I’ve spent on you already,” Sarco coos.

_What energy_ , Kylo thinks, angry at himself and even angrier at Sarco. He glares at him until the weight of the blaster is lifted from his head.

“Well, you’d best run along now. You’ve got an early start tomorrow.” Sarco holsters his blaster again, but not before spinning it around his finger. He leaves an exhausted Kylo in the sand and saunters away with a hop in his step, happy with the state Kylo’s in.

Kylo’s eyes are threatening to droop shut. It would be so easy to fall asleep where he is, but something is rattling next to him. Despite the pain, he rolls his head to the side to find the happabore whining at him, a puff of blood-tinged air blowing from its nostrils. “Hey,” Kylo says weakly.

The happabore lets out another grunt and tries to nudge him with his nose, only to hit the pen instead. It then shakes its head side to side and then seems to point its snout at the tent where the other slaves are filing into.

“Okay, okay. I’ll get up.” Kylo lays in the sand for a second longer before hauling himself up in one go. He sees the blood still trickling from the animal’s nostril and places his hand on its snout, thumb gently rubbing into its thick skin. “Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be different,” he promises before going back to the tent without a second glance. The happabore lets out a noise but Kylo keeps his head firmly pointed forward.

He makes his way to the sleeping area and lays down on the sandy floors. Wedged between two other men, and with nothing but the scratchy blanket covering him, he refuses to think too deeply about the reasons behind his intended actions. He’s not trying to prove himself worthy of anything; he just wants to be free and if everyone benefits from what he plans to do, then so be it. He’s not doing it for any other reason than that, or so he tells himself as he falls asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Weapons situation on Jakku](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Sarco_Plank#Work_on_Jakku)


	7. Chapter 7

When a random foot connects with his side in the morning, Kylo is neither angry nor annoyed. Waking with a jolt, heart hammering in his chest, the kick almost serves as a boost of energy to get him going. He has much to accomplish today and he’ll take any help he can get.

Unlike yesterday, morning rations are being handed out in the sleeping tent before the communal bedding has been stowed away. This turns out to be convenient for Kylo, since the huddled mass of people makes it easier for him to stay out of sight while he takes in the immediate surroundings and begins to formulate an escape plan. Sitting near the tent’s edge where the shade meets the light, careful not to let his feet get prematurely burned by the sunlight, Kylo can see into the nearby happabore pen. His eyes are immediately drawn to the blood on the animal's snout. Feeling his rage rising, he crushes the ration in his hand, any desire to eat now gone. Yes, today would be the day. There’s no telling what will happen if he stays longer.  

Besides, Kylo was never patient.

He stands up and  drains his canteen of water, his other hand brushing off sand and crumbs from his lap. He drops the bottle into the sand and makes his way to the happabore. He’s so determined to leave that everything blanks out; all he hears is a ringing in his ears that gets louder and louder as he approaches the familiar animal.

There’s no easy way about it; he needs to get Sarco’s attention. Now.

His heart is beating like a bantha stampede and the ringing in his ears reaches new heights when he suddenly snaps into action. With nothing but his bare hands, he grabs the happabore’s pen and wrenches the metal fence so hard that the base rips from the sand and exposes more metal. He throws his whole body into his movements, pushing and pulling until the metal post almost pops out from its once deep foundation. As he expected, the guards rush over to him, yelling and screaming.

One of the guards claps a hand on his shoulder and Kylo spins around, grasping the offending hand and twisting until all he can hear are the guard's screams and the sharp cracks of bones breaking. The guard attached to the broken arm is helpless to do anything and crumples at Kylo’s feet, their uninjured hand attempting to claw  at Kylo’s relentless hold. Kylo drags the injured and screaming guard around like he weighs nothing, using him as a shield for the blaster shots now being aimed his way. He throws the guard with so much force that he takes out three more guards as he lands.

As he begins to stalk towards the remaining guards, there’s a familiar crackle from his collar and that’s the only warning he gets before he crashes to the sand in a spasm of pain. Sarco crouches and observes him, his head rocking from side to side like clockwork.

“How many times must you do this before you learn?” he asks with a hint of curiosity.

“This is the last time,” Kylo stutters from between his pressed lips.

“Empty words of a slave.”

“Don’t worry. I count on it.”

Something Kylo noticed earlier was that the electrical current being fed to his collar actually pulsated, the intensity peaking and retreating. As he tries to control his breathing, he can almost see the waveform that the electricity makes. The highest peak deals the worst of the pain but when it pulls back, the pain subsides enough for Kylo to grab onto the two tubes that feed oxygen into Sarco’s mask. The sound of the tubes popping free, followed by Sarco’s distorted shouts, is like music to his ears. He’s able to swing his leg and hit Sarco’s knee, his heavy boot connecting with the weapon dealer’s kneecap with a sharp crack.

Kylo wishes he could see Sarco’s face. He wishes it so, so much, but has to settle for his screams piercing the air.

As Sarco goes down, Kylo grabs his arm and rips the controller from him. Kylo struggles for a moment, perhaps because he’s so close to being free, but the pain from the collar makes it feel like every nerve in his body has been set alight. He smacks at the controller desperately until the pain is lifted from him, leaving his body numb and tingling. After a few frantic taps, the collar around his neck falls off and drops to the sand. An easterly wind blows and starts burying the insulting scrap of metal.

Nearby, he hears a mighty roar. Relief floods Kylo when he spies a similar collar on the ground at the happabore’s feet. The happabore is already using its large snout to ram into its metal prison. It aims for the weakened spot, courtesy of Kylo, and rips down the walls in no time.

From his position on the sand, Kylo sputters, “Go!” and watches with an expanding heart as the happabore charges at the tents.

The ready-packed crates of weapons don’t stand a chance and are crushed instantly under the heavy weight of the happabore. From one tent to the next, it destroys everything in its path and eventually takes down the tent where the slaves were huddled, cowering in fright. The remaining guards are chasing after the rampaging happabore and Sarco is lying motionless next to him on the ground.

“Go!” Kylo yells again, this time at the slaves who don’t need to be told twice.

Like insects, they scatter in all directions. It will be impossible to catch any of them with the wild happabore running amok.

Kylo is able to push himself up to his feet once more and quickly grabs Sarco’s blaster, aiming it at the pens that keep the other happabores. He shoots the metal fences until they break free from their foundations, the mangled pieces of metal joining the fast growing pile of destruction that was once Sarco’s camp.

Sarco is still lying next to him, unmoving, and Kylo can’t resist aiming the blaster at him. It feels right, and a sense of vigilante justice courses through his body as he toys with the trigger. It would be so easy. It’s not like he hasn’t taken a life before. There are hundreds of collars littering the sand where the slaves once slept and seeing them is enough to make him pull the trigger. Whether or not the shot kills Sarco, Kylo doesn’t know and it doesn’t really matter; there’s no way Sarco can recover from this.

Sarco’s thugs are still chasing after the newly freed happabores, or rather, running from them as the animals seek revenge. Kylo winces as a happabore is able to catch its target, tusks piercing and flinging bodies aside like they are ragdolls.

Kylo lets out a shaky breath and stumbles towards the remnants of Sarco’s tent. There are ration packs scattered across the desert and he swipes a few, along with some bottles of water. It’s going to be a long journey back to Niima Outpost, if he can manage to navigate successfully.

He takes one step in a random direction when a happabore trudges towards him. There’s a bit of dry blood crusted on its snout and Kylo knows it to be his happabore. It huffs and tilts its head to its back, patiently waiting for Kylo to get on. Kylo practically crawls onto its body and though his arms are still shaky, he’s able to slide down and rest on its wide neck. When the happabore starts off in the direction of what Kylo hopes is Niima Outpost, he gently massages the patch of skin that is lighter than the rest: the place where the collar sat for who knows how long.

An hour or two passes before Kylo spots a familiar area littered with TIE fighters and he realises that they are definitely not going towards Niima Outpost. “Hey,” he starts. The happabore’s eyes are too far to reach so he tries to lean over, only to slip and dangle precariously over the edge with only his flexed foot keeping him on the animal’s back. “This isn’t the way to Niima.”

The animal huffs, shaking its head and continues in its chosen direction.

“I need to go to Niima. I need to find Rey.”

Again, another huff, this time more forceful with a shake of its head.

Not having any of it, Kylo slides off its back and falls messily into the sand. He gets to his feet and the happabore has already stopped and is looking back at him. He thinks he can see the animal glaring at him.

“Go on without me,” Kylo says. “You’re free, but I’m not. I still need to get back to her.”

Since he knows approximately where he is, he’s able to make an educated guess at which direction he needs to go to reach Niima and starts in that direction. Kylo swears he can feel the happabore rolling its eyes before it comes huffing and stomping over. It gives Kylo a long, hard look before passing him just enough so that its back is next to him. It gestures with a tilt of its head for Kylo to get on, which he does with much trepidation.

He is extremely relieved when the animal starts heading in the direction of Niima and he leans over again, this time towards its ears. “Thank you,” he says softly, so soft that his words are stolen by a gust of wind appearing out of nowhere.

Whether the happabore heard him or not, it doesn’t seem to matter. They continue towards Niima Outpost in silence, without any encounters.

The sun has passed its highest point in the sky when they come up to the outskirts of Niima Outpost. The happabore stops and refuses to go any further and Kylo can’t blame it; if Sarco is still alive then Niima would be the first place to look and it’s virtually impossible to hide a happabore at the sparsely spaced outpost.

Kylo dismounts and lays a hand its shoulder, as a way of thanks. “Go, before someone sees you,” he commands gently before pulling his hand away.

The happabore stays and watches as Kylo ducks his head and skirts along the edges of the outpost. Kylo doesn’t know how long it watches him, but when he ducks into a storage tent and hides behind some crates, the animal is gone. The less time it lingers around, the less likely someone like Unkar’s thugs would spot it.

Finally back at Niima Outpost, he has no idea what to do now. He can’t just walk up to Unkar Plutt or even dare to show his face in the open. As far as Unkar is aware, Kylo is still Sarco’s slave, thanks to him. Kylo glares in the direction of the Concession Stand, thinking of the useless heap of flesh sitting inside, safe and protected from the sand and heat. What Kylo wouldn’t give to walk up and rip Unkar’s limbs off, one by one, but he remains hidden in the shadows, waiting for Rey to appear. He’s taken up a spot where he has a good view of Niima Outpost, its entrances and cleaning stations all visible. Now, all he has to do is wait.

Time trickles by so slowly that ten minutes feel like an hour. He has to force himself to sit still; the only saving grace is that it gives him the opportunity to eavesdrop on nearby scavengers.

“Today’s find is worth double of what we got yesterday.”

“Why did we get so little?”

“The Blobfish looks livid.”

Mindless chatter, that’s all it is. The snippets he overheard made the waiting slightly more bearable, leaving Kylo wondering why Plutt was docking everyone’s rations so drastically. Suddenly, a thought crosses his mind.

 _Plutt couldn’t have learned  about Sarco already, could he?_ Kylo wonders to himself as a new piece of chatter catches his attention.

“I wonder if that girl will be able to get more out of him. She was always Plutt’s favorite.”

Rey. They were talking about Rey.

As if summoned, Rey appears, dragging her excavated goods into Niima Outpost. She heads directly to the cleaning stations and gets to work. Kylo watches as she cleans the bits and pieces, being particularly aggressive in her movements, causing him to wonder why that might be. Maybe something had happened at the excavation site she visited today.

Regardless, Kylo notices that he’s not the only one watching Rey. It looks like most of the scavengers are paying close attention to her out of the corners of their eyes, all waiting to see if she would have more luck with the Crolute than they did.

Keeping low, Kylo slithers to a tent closer to the Concession Stand and listens in when Rey approaches Unkar.

“Quarter portion,” Unkar grunts, slapping down the small package with his mighty fist.

Rey scoffs at the measly ration. “Come on, Plutt. We both know even one of these is worth half a portion on a bad day.” She holds up one of the parts she has to offer.

“Circumstances have changed. Quarter portion for the lot. Take it or leave it, that is final.”

Something snaps inside Rey and everyone watches with wide eyes as she uses her staff to jab Unkar right between the eyes - the same place where Kylo’s fist had landed days prior.

“Look, you and I both know that offer is beyond insulting. I’m not even trying to be greedy. How do you expect any of us to work if you won’t even give us proper rations?” Rey hisses as she swings her staff to deliver another blow.

As with Kylo, Unkar’s thugs restrain her but unlike himself, Rey is able to put up a fight. She bites and kicks and yanks on the thugs’ breathing apparatuses until she’s able to tumble from their grasp. Panting, she holds her staff menacingly at the thugs as her eyes flicker to Unkar. The Crolute sneers at her and then swipes the small portion from sight.

“Then you get none,” he says with finality.

“Why?” Rey demands, making sure to keep her distance from the thugs who look like they’re ready to charge again.

“Like I said, circumstances have changed. My supplier has hit a snag and there aren’t enough rations to go around.”

He’s unusually generous with his explanation, but it’s not good enough for Rey.

“What about you? Use rations from your own stash.”

Unkar lets out a boisterous laugh that makes the stand shake. “Girl, when will you and everyone understand that I don’t live off ‘rations’.” Unkar spits out the last word, which adds salt to the wound.

Even though they are all confined to the wasteland that is Jakku, the glaring difference between the  scavengers and those like Unkar Plutt remains clear, which makes Rey’s shoulders sag in a kind of defeat. She holds out her hand and waits for Unkar to give over her daily ration.

Eventually, he hands over the small package. “Normally, your behaviour would result in none, but, my girl _,_ you are my favorite. Now, get out of my sight,” he says, looking down at Rey like she is a smear on the bottom of his foot.

Kylo’s stomach twists at Unkar’s pet name for Rey. She doesn’t look bothered by it, but his face flushes with anger for her.

Rey keeps her head held high and gets back on her speeder, revving her engine louder than needed before roaring off into the distance. Other scavengers follow suit, seeing that they will have to make do with their reduced portions.

It’s only then that Kylo realises that maybe Sarco and Unkar working together is actually necessary to ensure that a kind of balance for the scavengers. Whilst Sarco makes the weapons, Unkar sells them and thus holds a monopoly on much of Jakku’s commerce. Sarco is as beholden to Plutt as the scavengers are, but Kylo figures that Sarco is content with the arrangement and probably doesn’t find having to answer to Unkar to be particularly bothersome, given how profitable their deal is.

 _‘Let Plank know he has three days.’_ Kylo recalls hearing these words before being hauled off to Sarco’s camp.

Tomorrow must be the deadline for the last batch of weapons, and with a fifty-fifty chance of Sarco being dead and therefore missing the drop, it’s no wonder that Unkar is furious. Maybe his buyers were promised a specific amount of weapons or maybe Unkar is livid that Sarco is a no-show. Regardless, as good as it felt taking out Sarco’s organisation, Kylo is seeing first hand the impact of his actions.

More specifically, how it affects Rey.

As well intended as his actions were, the larger picture starts swimming into view. For every action, there is a reaction, whether it be good or bad. Everyone answers to someone and Sarco answered to Unkar, as did Rey, and it was she who was now paying the price for his stunt back at the camp.

He has to go higher, but stuck on Jakku as a slave on the run, he can’t do anything to change the situation.

But as a Supreme Leader of the First Order, he could do so much more.

Kylo thought it was a total accident that he fell back in time, but now he’s not so sure. The Force doesn’t do anything by halves. Maybe this was planned all along; maybe he was always meant to go back in time. Maybe this is the important lesson he needs to learn to before he can truly be the Supreme Leader of the First Order--no, the Supreme Leader of the Galaxy.

He’s not so self-assured to be certain that he is the one to rule to galaxy, but the way things are falling into place leads him to believe that he can possibly do it. Or at least, do a better job than General Hux, who is too self-absorbed to take into consideration the galaxy’s best interests as a collective whole. One person ruling the entire galaxy is a large task, something that cannot and should not be done alone, he realizes now. Perhaps the New Republic’s idea to keep the old Senate government system had some merit after all. The sun is sinking and Kylo needs to find shelter, so he starts wandering past the outskirts of Niima Outpost, not quite sure where to go. His mind is so occupied with his thoughts about better shaping the galaxy that he doesn’t notice the hovercraft until it’s right in front of him; the occupants quickly jumping from the craft to confront him.

“Off-worlder!”

Kylo winces at the sight of Sarco Plank with his bare minimum crew. He looks much worse for wear, his breathing tubes askew and bent out of shape and there are cracks along his mask from when Kylo shot him with his own blaster.

Sarco’s vocoder is crackling as he exhales angrily, wielding modified blasters in each hand. “You are more troublesome than I could ever have imagined. I will take great pleasure crushing your skull, slave.”

Kylo’s upper lip lifts and twists into a sneer. “I’d like to see you try,” he goads and not a moment later, Sarco, along with his remaining crew, charges at him.

He disarms the first thug easily enough, ripping the blaster and electrostaff from their hands so he can use the weapon to fire some warning shots at Sarco. The arms-maker is livid, which makes his moves sloppy, giving Kylo the chance to sneak in a jab from the electrostaff before flicking sand in the faces of the other thugs around him.

He’s down to the last of Sarco’s crew, hands interlocked in a struggle for dominance, when he hears a yell behind him. The shout gives Kylo enough warning to slip his foot behind the thug’s own and spin him around, and seeing Sarco with a blaster in his hand, Kylo uses the guard as a shield from Sarco’s fired shot. Before Kylo can do anything else, Sarco suddenly drops to the ground and reveals Rey standing behind him, the butt of a blaster still in her hand and hovering in the air.

Slowly, Rey lowers her hand and takes a step towards him.

“Ben,” she says, but this time, it’s different.

Her clothes aren’t the same. They’re no longer the sandy-beige color he last saw her in, but a grey color instead. Her three buns and scavenger’s mask are also missing, causing Kylo to falter in his steps. She looks at him with wide eyes, the same eyes that he remembers from the _Supremacy_ , right after he killed the last Praetorian guard.

Standing before him isn’t the Rey of the past, but the one of the future.

 _His_ Rey.

The one he knows and makes his chest clench in response.

“Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
> 
>  
> 
> ~~thank christ this fic can pick up now *looks at word count* i also apologise for taking 20k to get to this point ajghjskdfd~~


	8. Chapter 8

 

> _16 days since the Battle of Crait_

 

Toying with the ends of her tunic, Rey looks out from the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon and wearily exhales. It’s been two weeks since Crait and this is the first time she’s been able to have a moment to herself. Every other day prior to this had been occupied with strategy meetings with General Organa and newly promoted General Poe Dameron about the Resistance’s next move.

Not that she had any idea what to do.

They had wanted her advice and her possible ‘expertise’, as if her trip to Ahch-To had resulted in her becoming a real Jedi, but all Rey could think about was the bond between herself and Ben; the bond that seemed raw and volatile, but soft and vulnerable at the same time. No one knew what had transpired between herself and Master Skywalker, much less with Kylo Ren - no, Ben _._ It wasn’t like she was intentionally hiding it from everyone, but with the Resistance in shambles and no real place to go, Rey felt it was best if things remain as simple as possible. Telling everyone that she had flown across the galaxy in the hope of turning Ben Solo and convincing him to come with her wouldn’t have gone over well with the others. Especially after hearing the tales Finn, Poe, and Rose, after she had recovered, regaled everyone with.

It was tiring, keeping all of this to herself, though. Not only did she feel guilty about leaving out certain events, but the feeling only intensified when she had to acknowledge to herself that she didn’t share the same kind of commitment as the others. Too often did she find herself only half listening to what the Generals were saying, her mind somewhere else.

With fuel running low, they eventually docked the Falcon on a neutral Outer Rim planet to resupply. Even though the planet was neutral, there was no telling what the locals would do if they found out that Leia Organa or the last Jedi was on board, so they had to get in and out quickly before someone alerted the First Order.

Since then, it had become a sort of game for Poe to raid various planets for supplies they needed. Rey understood why, she really did. With morale being at an all time low, the remaining personnel needed something to lift their spirits. Thus began the game of who could retrieve the most from the warehouses they raided. The friendly competition was exactly the thing everyone else needed to get out of the low place in which they were dwelling, but not for Rey.

Behind the light smile and easy laugh, Rey insisted that she remain on the Falcon with the excuse of being their getaway pilot, in case things went south.

And it worked.

The brief moments with Leia in the cockpit next to her were small respites from the ship’s usual commotion. It didn’t really help though. If anything, it exacerbated the tension in her body and mind, Leia’s presence serving as a constant reminder of Ben.

Rey feels the need to reach out and tell Leia something - anything - about her son, but she can’t summon the courage to part her lips for the words to escape. If she couldn’t even confide in Leia, then there was no way she could confide in anyone else in the Resistance. This made facing Finn all the more heart wrenching.

He had changed since she had gone to Ahch-To, but then again, so had she. Everything had changed and while everyone else seemed unanimous in their certainty regarding their enemy, Rey felt more lost than ever.

So now, in the dead of the night, Rey lets her head rest against the back of her seat and gives herself a moment to wonder about what she should do.

She wants to commit to the Resistance like Finn did, but she can’t find it in herself to make the same leap. Maker knows, Ben had made his choice, so why is it so hard for Rey to fall in line with the Resistance? After all, it’s the most logical choice.

She takes out the broken lightsaber from the compartment hidden inside the cockpit and balances the two parts in her hands. It’s split perfectly in half with both pieces weighing the same. The crystal inside has also split in half and now rattles inside the steel case, powerless as she is.

Looking out at the hues of blue speeding past her, she wonders when she will see Ben next, whether it be in person or through the Force. It’s in those quiet moments of solitude that she gives herself the chance, and the permission, to miss him.

 

* * *

 

> _36 days since Crait_

 

She craves those times alone now.

She’s been alone all her life and, despite being surrounded by people who all have good intentions at heart, Rey feels the need to escape. The way they look up to her is suffocating and only reinforces her belief that she is a sham.

She’s never felt so alone in her life.

 _‘You’re not alone_.’

She makes it a habit to sit in the cockpit when everyone has gone to sleep and be alone with her thoughts. It’s the only time she has to recall and dwell over the brief moments she had with Ben.

‘ _Neither are you_.’

Pulling her knees to her chest, Rey rests her cheek and closes her eyes. She wants to hate Ben. She wants to curse him and be done with him. It would have been so much easier if Snoke had been telling the truth about their bond. That _thing_ may have stoked the fires that ignited the bond between them, but it did not die with him.

If she hadn’t seen Kylo - no, Ben - one last time before leaving Crait, she would have allowed herself be taken into the Resistance fold, no questions asked. However, that last flicker of him buried its way into her mind and made its nest.

Thinking about Ben Solo was like a watching an intense game of Sabacc. Just when she thought she had him figured out, he did something that made her second guess everything she knew. Was he a monster or just a lost boy? Or both?

The way his lip had trembled as he knelt on the dark, dusty floors of the abandoned base on Crait was like a punch to the gut. She couldn’t help but see herself in him, alone and abandoned, and the hurt was even more painful when she shut the Falcon door.

She hates that he made her choose.

But what she hates more is that she sometimes regrets the path she chose, and can’t help but wonder  what it would have been like if she had stayed with him.

She hates herself most of all during those times.

 

* * *

 

> _58 days since Crait_

 

They start recruiting people on the Outer Rim in the hope of generating a following that won’t cower in the shadows of the First Order. It’s not an army by any means, but Poe is satisfied by the increasing numbers. It means that they are able to set up a base and stretch their legs, rather than stay on the Millenium Falcon for days on end. While everyone has set themselves up at their new home base, Rey chooses to remain with the Falcon.

She joins them on their trips to various villages and planets, but at the end of the day, she always retires to the Falcon. Leia seems to understand Rey’s desire for solitude and doesn’t bring it up. If anything, Rey has a sneaking suspicion that General Organa would like to do the same, but can’t due to the leadership needing to stay on the base with the Resistance.

The same can’t be said for Poe Dameron.

The man is enthusiastic and energetic, which is good for the Resistance, but Rey can tell that something is amiss. Whenever she was alone with him, or even during the crowded morning briefings, Rey felt an undeniable sense of vengeance emanating from Poe, which always threw her off balance. She’s fully aware of what happened during the battle on Crait’s surface while she was in the sky, including Finn’s near sacrifice and his rescue by Rose. Learning the story of all that happened to Finn and Rose, Rey sees their budding relationship as perhaps the best thing to come out of all the destruction that day. Their peaceful presence stands in stark contrast to Poe’s almost rabid determination to gather an army to burn down the First Order and Rey finds the comparison rather jarring.

They are in a war, she knows this, but everyone apart from Poe seems to have something uniquely personal at stake, rather than a singular desire to win at any cost.

War is war, Rey understands, which is probably why she keeps to the Falcon.

She’s a good fighter, but she is not a soldier to be deployed at the Resistance’s request. Staying on the ship is her way of remaining independent. She won’t go anywhere without letting them know prior, but the fact that she can keep to herself and hide from them is a blessing. There’s only so much admiration and reverence that she can take.

Leia knows this to some extent, whether it’s due to motherly instinct or being the only other person with Force sensitivity. Rey doesn’t know and doesn’t dwell on it for long. She’s just thankful to not be called out on it, but is worried for the day when someone does.

Rey rolls over in her bed, curls up into a ball, and stares at the pattern of scratches she has etched into the wall. Old habits die hard, she thinks to herself as she adds another line.

Almost two months have passed since they left Crait.

Almost two months have passed since she’s seen Ben.

She frowns and turns her back on the wall before falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

> _72 days since Crait_

 

“What are you still doing here, Rey?” Leia asks, lowering herself down into the co-pilot’s seat.

Rey’s brows furrow. She genuinely doesn’t know what Leia is talking about. “What do you mean, General?”

“This, all of this, Rey.”

“You want me to stay on the base more?” Rey asks, closely watching Leia’s face to see if she’s understood her words.

Leia smiles sadly. “No. I mean, why are you still with us?”

“To help the Resistance,” she answers quickly.

“You and I both know that isn’t the whole truth. You told everyone that you broke the lightsaber whilst on Ahch-To when you were learning from Luke. You said that you had drifted too close to the darkness and that was what made the lightsaber split in two.”

Rey swallows the lump that forms in her throat and nods. “Yes, because that’s what happened.”

Leia sighs. “That’s not how the Force works, Rey. Or lightsabers, for that matter.”

The two bits of broken crystal hang from a leather rope around Rey’s neck and sear her skin at Leia’s words. She feels self conscious and resists the urge to hold and feel the crystals in her hand. The silence stretches between them with only the sound of the rain outside filling the void.

“Did you want to know what really happened?”

Leia holds her gaze and Rey can see her weighing the options. “No,” she finally says.

“Sorry,” Rey says softly.

“You may have fooled everyone else, but I saw through your story the moment you said ‘Luke taught me’.” Leia let out a short laugh before sighing with a bone-deep weariness. “Luke removed himself from the Force. If he was going to teach you anything, it wasn’t going to be the lessons you had made up. I knew that, and I think you knew it to some extent when you left for Ahch-To.”

Slowly, Rey relaxes in Leia’s presence and accepts how the conversation is unfolding. “You’re right. I didn’t go there to become a Jedi and I won’t call myself one, even now. He tried to teach me about the Force, but I don’t think he really understood it. Not until the end.”

Leia props one of her legs up and angles herself towards Rey, looking more and more interested in what Rey is saying.

“Balance. The Force is about balance,” Rey continues. “For when there is light, there is also darkness.”

“Wow, you really got into those books, didn’t you?” Leia deadpans.

Rey grins at Leia. “Barely. Stars, they are really hard to get through. Probably doesn’t help that a lot of it isn’t in Basic.” A brief silence settles between them before Rey decides to throw caution to the wind; she’s avoided the topic long enough. “Do you think about him?”

From the corner of her eye, Rey can see Leia completely turn and face her. The older woman’s stare is unsettling, especially since Rey hadn’t specified which “him” she’s discussing. By all means, she could be referring to Han, and Leia has every right to assume that.

“Every day,” Leia answers and it’s only then that Rey musters courage to look at her.

The look in Leia’s eyes is tired, from someone who has seen and endured too much for one lifetime. Rey doesn’t see a General, but a mother who wonders where it all went wrong; a mother who wants to give up and has made the choice to do so. But Rey can read her like an open book, something she can’t do any other time, and she can see that Leia does not want to let go.  

“Do you sometimes wonder about if he didn’t turn?”

“It’s best not to dwell on the past, Rey. What’s done is done.”

“So you’ve given up on him?”

“There’s not much I can do, even if I didn’t. The rest is up to him. All we can do is wait and see how things unfold.” Leia pauses for a moment before speaking again. “Is he part of the reason why you stay on the Falcon?”

Rey’s eyes flicker to the chrono that sits atop the dashboard. It’s late and now is not the time to have such intimate conversations with Leia, especially about her son. “We should sleep. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow if Poe is right about his intel.”

Rey might as well tell Leia everything, since changing the subject is a surefire way to look suspicious, but Leia merely lays a hand on her shoulder and squeezes lightly. “Don’t be a stranger,” she says before slipping out of the cockpit towards the docking bay.

When Rey lies in bed moments later, she wonders about Leia’s question. Why does she stay on the Falcon? She tells herself it’s to distance herself from Resistance activities, but she still assists where she can and interacts with them on a daily basis.

She turns over in her bed and stares at the ceiling. “I guess if we connect, I’d rather it be just the two of us, here on your father’s ship.”

Only silence responds to her musings so with one last glimpse around the room, Rey closes her eyes and falls asleep to the sound of rain outside.

 

* * *

 

> _81 days since Crait_

 

“I miss Paige,” Rose says one night, hand on cheek with her elbow propped up on the holoboard. It’s just the two of them on the Falcon, stretched out as they play a casual game of Dejarik, not that either are really paying attention to the board. “We could really use her help with missions.”

“What was she like?” Rey asks.

As Rose tells her all about Paige, Rey notices that even though her expression is still tinged with sadness, Rose’s eyes soften when recalling memories of her sister. Rey doesn’t even have memories of her parents to miss them. All she ever had was the hope that they, or someone _,_ would one day return to save her from the cyclic, brutal life she lived on Jakku.

“What about you, Rey? Do you think about your parents?”

It’s as if Rose heard her thoughts and it puts Rey on the spot.

“If you asked me that a year ago, I wouldn't have hesitated to say yes, but now…” She trails off and stares at the brightly colored pieces on the holoboard.

Rose waits patiently for when Rey is ready to speak again, since she too had a difficult childhood.

“I think I liked the idea of parents because it meant someone cared and was looking out for me, but I don’t have a single memory of them. Did Finn tell you how I wanted to go back to Jakku when I first met him?”

“Oh yeah,” Rose laughs. “He does not like that planet.”

“It’s not for everyone.” Rey grins before becoming somber once again. “I realised a long time ago that my parents weren’t going to come back. I ignored it for all my life and made myself believe it was a lie so I wouldn’t always be alone.”

“Remember, you have us, Rey.”

Rose offers her a small smile that Rey returns half-heartedly. “Thanks, but it’s not the same.” The moment the words leave her mouth, Rey jolts at how ungrateful she sounds. “I didn’t mean that,” she says quickly, only for Rose to wave her hand between them.

“It’s okay, Rey, I know.” Rose’s smile is infectious and Rey can’t help but smile when she sees the smaller girl’s cheeks dimple. “Do you miss anyone, though? Maybe when things are more stable, you can go find them?”

Rey puts up a cool facade despite her heart twisting at Rose’s words. “Maybe. When things are better.”

“It’ll get better, Rey. I don’t know when, since the First Order is being suspiciously quiet as of late, but you gotta keep hope. Without hope, what’s the point?”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Rey whispers, although she isn’t sure how much hope she can place in Ben doing the right thing anymore.

 

* * *

 

> _93 days since Crait_

 

The Millenium Falcon is rocking back and forth so violently that it rouses Rey from her sleep. She yanks back the sheets and flies through the ship, convinced that she is under attack. However, even as she approaches the cockpit, she can see that the ship is still safely docked and in no immediate danger, but she still feels like she’s moving. The closer she gets to the cockpit, the more her surroundings and senses seem to get sucked away, until all that’s left is herself and an unbearable loud silence.

All of a sudden, there’s a man occupying the pilot’s seat and the viewdeck is no longer grass and land. No, now there are thousands of lights whizzing by as the pilot pulls some spectacular moves in space. Rey holds onto the bulkhead for support and can only take a back seat view to watch Ben Solo’s display of impressive flying .

She’s enjoying the show until he pushes the steering yoke forward and keeps it there, unrelenting as the ship swoops towards a sun. When the heat on Rey’s face starts to remind her of Jakku, she realises that Ben might not pull up. Her heart freezes at what she’s witnessing and steps properly into the cockpit.

“Stop!”

The ship snaps to a halt and if Rey were really on the ship, she might have fallen over. She is still on the Millenium Falcon, standing in the doorway of her cockpit, with the void ringing in her ears.

“Rey,” he breathes, frozen in place.

She takes in Ben’s scraggly appearance and wonders what’s happened to him in the three months since she had last seen him. “Your hair and face look different.” As confused as she is, her heart warms at the sight of him, only for her mind to stir, unearthing something previously lost in her memories.

She met a man on Jakku once, almost half a year ago, who looked similar to how Ben is now. They even shared the same name, and thinking about it now, it is strange, but it has to be an odd coincidence.

After all, there’s no way Ben could have been on Jakku before all this happened. From the memories she had seen of his past when he tried to interrogate her, there was not a lick of Jakku present. The only time he set foot on the sandy planet was to massacre a village and that is something Rey really doesn’t want to think about.

“What were you doing?” she blurts out.

“You were worried,” he states as she sees a smile ghost over his face.

“Something I deeply regret now,” she snaps.

The conversation between them starts to sour. “No,” he says with a bite in his voice. “You made that a hundred percent clear when you left me.”

“You know why I couldn’t stay! It was never even a choice!”

Rey feels so frustrated and exhausted, despite the fact that this is the first time they’ve spoken and that all the conversations she practiced in her head to herself were just that - imagined. Seeing him in the flesh reminds her that she doesn’t know if she misses him or hates him. For all the atrocities he’s committed, Rey can still see the lost boy inside the man. Especially when he looks at her with those soft eyes, without a drop of malice; for someone who is the supposed leader of the First Order, Ben is horribly easy to read. Just like his mother days ago.

So when neither has the energy to continue their debate about politics and what is right for the galaxy, Rey moves to sit in the co-pilot's seat and just enjoy their time together. What would their life be like if fate hadn’t been so cruel? Would they meet eventually and clash like they had in this lifetime, or would they be comrades like they were in the potential future Rey had seen?

She wishes their life was like this, nice and domestic and simple.

“Where are you? I can’t see where you are.”

“I’m on a ship.”

His deadpan response would bring a smile if she wasn’t so annoyed at their predicament. “Yes, I know that, but where?”

His eyes narrow suddenly and she can almost see the thoughts churning in his head. “In space. Why does it matter, Rey?” He’s wary of why she wants to know where he is, but she wants to know that he’s safe. Three months without a peep of news from him, or about him, either through the Force or from the Resistance’s intel was torture.

“We can fix this, Ben. I know there’s good in you. You just need help,” she pleads, and she means it. It’s not for show, or for some power play between them. She can tell from his appearance and body language that being Supreme Leader is slowly destroying him, forcing him to be someone he simply isn’t.

“I needed your help,” he mumbles petulantly and she want to reach out across the galaxy, grab his hand and run.

But things suddenly to take a turn for the worse when Ben jolts at something she can’t see. No matter how much she tries to get his attention or tries to see what he sees, all she can see is the boring landscape of whatever Outer Rim planet the Resistance had set up on. The scene of stars and sun has disappeared.

“BEN!”

It’s only then that he looks at her, but it’s too late. Something bright is shining onto his face, lighting it so she could see the specks of green in his eyes.

“Rey--”

The Force disconnects them and she is left in a panicked frenzy. Rey jumps from her seat and grabs at the empty space where he had just been.

“Ben?” Her voice comes out raspy and weak as she searches the whole ship for him.

She ends up pacing in front of her bed, desperately searching in the Force for him. Despite not being able to see him, she had always felt him to some extent, like she could feel Leia’s lifeforce beating steadily, and how Luke’s had faded like a soft breeze on a rare, cool day. But in a span of mere seconds, Ben’s Force presence starts to flicker. It’s still there, but only just.

She wants to leave, start up the engines and blow off this rock, but she can’t. For one, she has no idea where he is, only that he is somewhere with a sun, which does not help at all. She’s been impulsive before, but back then she didn’t have people to call friends, much less friends who were depending on her. As nice as it is to be with the Resistance, and as guilty as she feels, they are a burden to her now.

They are in a war where everyone knows on which side they stand, except for her. She’s been isolated all her life and whatever happened beyond Jakku was almost completely unknown to her. Even when she met Finn and Han, her knowledge of the galaxy was so vague that she had believed their every word. Rey thought she knew what was good and what was bad, but then she met Ben and she understands now that sometimes, good and evil can be found in the same entity.

_‘That's how we're gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.’_

Finn had told her what Rose said when she saved him. Her words struck deeper than Rey had let on, and she could tell Finn felt the same. If she were to open up to Finn about what happened with herself and Ben, she knew that Finn could understand, but between trying to survive and then all the recruiting missions once things had stabilized a bit, it never seemed appropriate to bring it up. If anything, it seemed traitorous to even think about Ben.

Probably yet another reason why she kept to the Millenium Falcon all this time.

The ship is the only tangible link to Ben she has left. Sometimes when she’s feeling whimsical, Rey wonders what Ben was like as a child and how he was with his father. These thoughts often brought sadness and anger since Ben had told her that he didn’t hate his father. She’s certain he’s never lied to her.

He’s always been painfully honest with her, even when she didn’t want it.

Rey is back to where she started, still wearing a hole into the Falcon’s durasteel floor as she tries to figure out what she should do. Ben’s signature feels even weaker now, but it’s still there.

Maybe this is the push she needs to leave the Resistance. The more time that passes, the more determined Rey becomes to go. The moment he blinks out of existence is the moment she’ll leave, Rey decides, settling in the cockpit’s seat, ready and waiting.

Guilt has no place in her heart now, not when the only person in the galaxy who truly understood her is on the verge of dying.

Then why is she waiting?

The notion smacks her in the face and she flicks on her engines without a second thought. She’s been alone for so long; she’s not going to risk losing the man who had put his life on the line to save her.

She’s not done with Ben Solo, not by a long shot. Rey is tired of letting things slip through her fingers, of having her heart starved for affection. No, not anymore. She will travel to the ends of the universe to save him from whatever danger he’s found himself in; she has to see him one last time and tell him that she wanted him. She never wants to be alone again, and she will do anything and everything she can to make sure that she won’t be.

The Resistance and the galaxy be damned.

As she decides on a hyperspace lane, the hairs on the back of her neck stand to attention and all sound disappears. Her eyes search for him immediately, hungry to latch on the tall, dark man she yearns for. It’s only when she turns around, still hovering in her seat, that she sees him.

His back is to her and he’s standing in front of some kind of portal. Just beyond him, she can see herself, angrily smashing her stormtrooper helmet in the familiar confines of her AT-AT home on Jakku. She knows exactly when this is and her her stomach twists from memory alone, remembering how severe the hunger pains were. She catches sight of her wall of scratched lines and almost breaks into tears. She had spent such a long time on Jakku, alone, for no reason. Her heart cries for her wasted life, the endless lines on the wall are nothing but a visual reminder of how long she had spent alone on Jakku.

Her eyes flicker to Ben, who now reaches out for the portal slowly, as if he’s scared to disturb the Rey inside of it. Golden rain starts to fall over him and Rey finally identifies what Ben’s Force signature feels like. It feels like a bundle of dust that is barely kept together, and could disappear at a moment’s notice.

The lump that has formed in her throat almost chokes her as she tries to call out to him - nothing but a strangled noise leaves her instead. She stumbles from her seat and falls to the floor; there are grazes on her palms, but she doesn’t feel them.

“Ben,” she pants, scrambling to her feet. “Ben, no.”

As she watches herself curl into a ball in front of her flight simulator, Ben stands up and reaches out to her younger self.

“No, Ben, don’t,” she repeats, getting up to grab his arm.

There’s a loud rumble above her, but she doesn’t pay any attention to it. More gold rains down upon him, falling on her now, but she doesn’t see any of it. All she can see is Ben.

A liquid starts to travel up his arm and he allows it, much to Rey’s disbelief. Can’t he see what’s happening?

“No!” she screams as she leaps towards him, fingers grazing his shoulder just as he’s pulled through the portal.

She lands with a thud at the foot of the portal, which is now a swirling mist. Rey looks around her, frantically trying to locate Ben, only to see herself suspended on a magical sea of black and glittering stars, but she doesn’t care.

She furiously rubs her eyes of tears and smears gold dust over her cheeks. More gold rain catches onto her skin, but Rey doesn’t pay attention to it. All she can focus on is the portal that stands in her way.

“Ben. Where is Ben?” she growls as she tries to dip her hand into the portal as he had done.

Soft wisps of smoke caress her hand and makes her shiver, but other than that, nothing.

If there’s one thing she’s learnt from Jakku, it’s that sometimes you have to force your way into things to get to the real treasure.

Rey is willing to break whatever world she’s in if it means she can be with Ben. She looks around for something to smash the portal walls with and spies something very familiar on the glittering floor. With wide eyes, she kneels and picks up Ben’s lightsaber before looking back at the portal.

She ignites it with a passion and bathes herself in red and gold. She lifts it above her head and brings it down on the portal, uncaring for whatever damage it might cause.

The crackling blade connects with the portal and throws Rey backwards in a spectacular display of lights. When the smoke has dissipated, Rey can see that the portal granted her wish.

Inside the portal is Ben, surrounded by sand bandits. Upon closer inspection, Rey recognises one of them as Sarco Plank, a notorious arms dealer on Jakku, and from the looks of it, he is gravely injured. It’s an unfair fight, seven to one, so Rey makes the easiest decision of her life.

She leaps through the portal to Ben, teeth bared and ready to save what she loves.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;D


	9. Chapter 9

They stare at one another, both longing to fill the void between them but too scared or anxious to act. It’s been so long since they’ve properly seen each other in the flesh that there’s a barrage of shared emotions simmering under the surface, ready to ignite the tension between them.

“Your lightsaber,” Rey starts, hand latching to her side only to grope at nothing. “Hang on, where is it?”

She’s muttering to herself as she tries to summon some semblance of the Force to locate the lightsaber, but comes up empty. Panic is painted on her face, clear as day as she extends her arm in multiple directions in a comical attempt to use the Force. Eventually, she turns to Kylo, her head reeling with questions on her lips.

“Yeah, we can’t use the Force here, which means my lightsaber probably didn’t make it,” says Kylo. He looks at her wearily and he can’t fight the relieved smile that spills onto his face. “You’re really here.”

“I am, but how?” Rey sidesteps the bodies that are littered over the sand and closes the distance between them. “And what do you mean we can’t use the Force? Where are we?”

“Jakku, but in the past.”

Rey looks at Kylo sharply. “The past?”

“How did you get here? I went through some sort of portal, but you were away with the Resistance so…” Kylo trails off. It’s painful to acknowledge that out loud; Rey had chosen the Resistance over him.

“The Force connected us as you went through,” Rey explains, only to shove him roughly right after. “What were you thinking?! You see a portal and you decide that ‘yes, this is totally safe to cross’?”

“Well, how did you get here then? You must have crossed the portal as well!” he accuses. “Besides, how could I stand by and do nothing when you were obviously in pain from starvation?” Kylo snaps, voice rising to meet hers. “I’ve seen you in pain once before, and it almost destroyed me to see Snoke lay a finger on you. Even though he’s gone, I wish I had ended it sooner so he never would have the chance to hurt you.” Kylo moves so he stands directly in front of her, his body flush with hers as his voice drops several decibels.

“When I saw you in that portal, younger and more alone than ever, how could I just stand there and watch? If I could, I would turn back time and save you from this hellhole. I didn’t know what that portal or that place was, but seeing you like that, I just wanted to protect you. Is that all right, Rey?”

All Rey can see is his shirt and she doesn’t dare to look up. She can feel his breath on her hair and hear the way he softly exhales her name. She closes her eyes and allows herself the chance to savor this moment. His voice in her dreams is nothing compared to reality, so she lets herself get washed away by the comfort of his presence. However, after months of missing him, the reason why they have been apart comes rushing to the front of her mind and hits her like a sledgehammer.

She pulls back and glares at him. Any yearning for him or sense of loss vanishes in an instant; all that’s left is anger and resentment for being so foolish for making her choose. “Is it Ben Solo or Kylo Ren who wanted to save me?”

Her words pierce Kylo like daggers, hurting him more than he would admit. “Why does that matter? They are the same person.”

“No,” Rey says, shaking her head. “Ben is a child who’s had no choice about anything in his life. He’s trapped and alone like me. Kylo is someone who had it all and threw it away for misguided power.”

“No, Rey. Ben and Kylo are one and the same.” The more he thinks about it, the more infuriated he becomes. He needs to walk off his rage and stalks towards the fallen bandits, rummaging through their pockets and robes for anything useful. “You think that Ben is good and full of light and that Kylo is evil and filled with darkness, but we’re the same. Ben can make mistakes and Kylo can do good. Thinking of them as two different entities will do you no favors,” he grits out. He refuses to look at her. He doesn’t think he can handle whatever expression is on her face. He’s been broken so many times, he doesn’t know what he’ll do if Rey’s face confirms his rants. Everyone has thought of him as Kylo Ren, the evil man, but never properly looked at him. Even now, Rey is only interested in Ben Solo.

“Ben,” Rey says softly. “That’s not--”

“It is,” he says, cutting her off. “Do you think I can change the galaxy, Rey? As I am now, whoever you think that is?” He gives up on searching the bandits and brings himself to his full height, waiting for Rey’s answer.

As confident as he’s trying to be, Rey doesn’t buy it one bit. She plants her palms on either side of his face and forces him to look at her. The act makes his eyes widen with panic. There it is, the man who sat by her side and listened to her worries and saw her. Now it’s her turn to see him.

“You can’t do anything stuck on Jakku.” He looks at her sulkily and Rey rolls her eyes before letting him go. “What should we do now?”

Kylo is keenly aware that she hasn’t actually answered his question, but doesn’t push it. Whatever is between them is confusing and complicated and with everything happening so fast, he doesn’t blame her for wanting space to think. Not that there can be a lot of space, since they’re going to have to stick together whilst navigating the past.

“There’s a ship coming tomorrow that will buy the weapons Sarco made. I say we steal the ship and leave Jakku in the dust,” Kylo suggests. “All we need to do is survive the night.”

“That’ll be easy. Come on, I know a place we can hunker down.”

They climb onto the hovercraft with Rey at the wheel and speed off. Nothing but darkening sand surrounds them when Kylo grabs Rey’s hand, stopping the hovercraft in its tracks. “Wait, there’s something I need to show you. You know where Sarco’s camp is set up?”

“Ben, I’m not taking us to his camp.”

“It’s not what you think. Please, just do this for me.” He keeps his hand on hers and hopes she’ll humor him.

After an eternity, Rey sighs softly with a frown. “If we are attacked, it’ll be on you.”

Kylo had totally forgotten that whatever happened with Sarco was probably hidden from the scavengers to keep them in line, and since Rey avoided that area, there was never a possibility of her stumbling on the carnage. The camp’s state might be a pleasant surprise then.

And indeed it is.

“What?” Rey says, sharply sucking in air through her teeth. “What happened here?” She jumps out of the hovercraft and inspects the bodies scattered everywhere, taking note that only Sarco’s thugs are the ones on the sand. “Ben, did you do this?” she asks, but her words fall on deaf ears.

“Rey, come here.” Kylo is standing far away from the majority of the wreckage, on the edge of some crater, waiting for her.

Begrudgingly, Rey joins him and stares at the blank piece of land before them. There’s nothing there, but a shiver runs down her spine at the sight of it. “What is that?”

“Sarco told me that this is where they dumped the bodies.”

“Dumped...bodies…” Rey loses feeling in her body when the words click in her head. “Graveyard,” she says.

“Do you think…” Kylo clears his throat before continuing. “Do you think your parents are here?”

Kylo doesn’t know what to expect. Maybe a cry of rage or a cry of sorrow, but not the monotone voice that leaves Rey’s throat.

“Probably,” she says, her reply hollow.

Her face betrays her voice. She’s trying so hard to not let the words or the sight affect her, but there’s a slight tremble to her lips and a shine to her eyes. Rey doesn’t want to waste one more tear on those people. If she doesn’t blink, it will be okay. She forces her eyes to remain open and waits for the air to dry the tears that are threatening to fall.

Kylo sees all this and doesn’t say anything. As glad as he is to see her, they still aren’t exactly on good terms. Maybe when they’re off Jakku and more time has passed, they can address the tangled web of lies she had spun for herself.

“Let’s get more rations before setting off,” Kylo says. She lingers behind and he leaves her be, bending over to scoop up enough rations for the both of them. He waits patiently by the hovercraft; if she needs all night to process the graveyard, then so be it. She’s been swept away by everything that’s happened and this was probably the first real opportunity for her to really come to terms with her parents’ deaths.

The sun’s light is nothing but a faint blush over the sky when Rey eventually joins him in the hovercraft. He doesn’t say anything, but he sees that Rey’s eyes are dry, without a hint of red. Did she cry? Did she allow herself that much? Kylo’s hands twitch by his side, wanting to reach out and take hers into his, but he keeps them firmly by his side. It’s obvious that Rey doesn’t want to talk about it and bringing it up would only make their time more strained than it already is.

Depending on exactly how far back in time they traveled, they have at least three months to wear down each other’s walls. There’s no need to be callous, as he had been on the _Supremacy_ , where time was of the essence. Now, it feels like they have all the time in the world.

-

They find some wreckage for spending the night. It’s not far from Niima Outpost, which is good since they’re still unsure of when the offworld ship will come. They scarf down rations in silence and when it’s time for sleep, Rey makes sure there is a significant gap between them. She shivers despite being used to the cold nights, but chalks it up to forgetting how frigid nights on Jakku can become. Curled onto her side, her back is cold but her neck is hot at the same time; just knowing that Ben is sleeping mere inches from her brings a flush to her ears. After aching to see him for so long, she feels self-conscious now that he’s here.

She rolls over at some point and looks to her side. Ben is asleep with his arms pressed by his sides; he looks like a plank of scrap metal, completely still and unmoving. His messy hair is fanned out around him and Rey takes advantage of this opportunity to study him. When asleep, the creases of his brow smooth out and it de-ages him by several years. The scar is faint but still discernible, and Rey hovers her fingers over the thin line, careful not to let their skin touch. She ghosts her finger down his face, over the spots that decorate his skin, and down his neck until the scar disappears under his tunic.

When she gets to his neck, she’s about to pull away when a slight discoloration catches her eye. Curiosity gets the better of her and she shifts against the sand to get a better look at his neck. She’s stretching over his body to see if the discolouration extends around his whole neck when his sleep-addled voice interrupts her.

“What are you doing?”

Ben watches her through his barely open eyes, waiting to hear what she has to say.

“Nothing,” Rey says lamely.

“Doesn’t look like nothing.” He looks unperturbed but there’s a crinkle to the corner of his eyes.

Heat floods her face and she’s glad that the moonlight behind her hides her appearance. “Goodnight, Ben,” she says quickly before retreating back to her side.

“Goodnight, Rey,” Ben breathes, his voice a low rumble.

She squeezes her eyes shut and rubs her cheek into the sand, trying to find the perfect angle. Somehow she finds sleep despite her rapidly beating heart.

-

The next morning is a whirlwind of activity. Rey has altered her clothing and covers her face so Unkar can’t identify her when they steal the ship. Together with Ben, they sneak to the bays where offworlders dock their ships and wait in the shadows.

Sure enough, the sun has barely risen when a battered ship lands by bay three. Even though the being exits the ship and greets Unkar almost amicably, they have no time to dawdle. They quickly sneak aboard the ship with Ben firing a few rounds at Unkar and the buyer, landing precise shots so that they fall to the ground unnoticed.

It’s not until they’re up in the air and Jakku is nothing but a shrinking dot in the distance that Rey realises that she doesn’t know where to go. “Where--”

“I know where to go. It’s probably the only place that will take us with no questions asked, and probably where we can sell some of these for credits,” Ben says gruffly, pointing the cargo that sat beyond the cockpit. “I’ve plotted a course for Hutt Space. We should get to Nar Shaddaa in three days.”

Rey doesn’t know what Nar Shaddaa is, but hearing it’s in Hutt space is enough for her to narrow her eyes at Ben. Jakku was once run by Niima the Hutt and is the reason why the planet is the way it is. As much of a lowlife Unkar Plutt is, he didn’t set up Niima Outpost. “You sure that’s wise?” she asks.

“It’s the only place lawless enough for us to hide before we can figure out what to do next,” Ben says as he activates the hyperdrive. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure nothing happens to you.”

Rey doesn’t say anything to that, but the words repeat in her head like a mantra.

 


	10. Chapter 10

It turns out that three days is an absurd amount of time to spend confined on a spaceship with someone when you’re not quite sure where you stand with them. It’s not that Rey doesn’t trust Ben, but more that they have too many unfinished conversations and everything feels awkward. It doesn’t help that Ben keeps to the cockpit and insists on staying there to ‘monitor their journey’. At first, Rey was fine with that, having assumed she could occupy herself by exploring the ship. Now, she’s going stir-crazy. At least on Jakku she had unlimited places to roam with fresh air to fill her lungs. After spending so much time trapped on the Falcon with the Resistance, spending more time confined to an unfamiliar ship is the last thing she wants right now. Any longing she had for Ben dissipated within the first few hours in space, annoyance replacing any yearning. She feels ready to snap.

They’re halfway through their trip when Rey grows tired of meditating without the Force. She stomps into the cockpit, determined to confront whatever unspoken awkwardness still lingers between them.

“We still have a day until Nar Shaddaa,” Ben says without turning around when he hears her heavy footsteps.

“What the kriff were you thinking?” Rey asks, catching Ben unaware.

“What?” he squawks, confused as to what she is referring to.

“On the _Supremacy_. Did you really think I would let you kill my friends?”

“Are we really doing this? Here? Right now?” he asks with a frown.

“Well, now is as good of a time as any!”

“Well, if they were your friends, then why did you want to leave them?”

Rey scrambles to look calm despite him hitting that particular nail on the head. “I don’t know what you mean,” she lies.

He gets up and closes the distance between them, uncaring for personal space. “Don’t lie to me when I’ve never done that to you. Ever.”

“Get out of my head.” She’s glaring at his chest with tears pooling in her eyes, refusing to look up to meet his. If he’s in her head, then he would see how lost she was without him, and that scares her more than she knows what to do.

Ben steps back and bends over until she has to choice but to look at him. “I didn’t need to look in your mind to know that being with the Resistance wasn’t all sunshine. Besides, no Force, remember?”

Sniffling, she wipes her nose with the palm of her hand. “How did you know?”

“You didn’t argue with me when the bond connected us. You were worried for me,” Ben explains. There is a slight smugness in his tone but his voice is softer than ever and it causes her heart to throb.

She doesn’t want to admit the truth to him, but she can’t lie to herself any longer. She simply can’t bear the thought of him dying and will do everything in her power to prevent it from happening, the Resistance be damned. They’d barely spent any time in each other’s physical presence after the fight on _Starkiller_ , but after the numerous Force assisted ‘visits’, even before she physically went to him on the _Supremacy_ , Rey had slowly become aware that a part of her soul intertwined with a part of his. She doesn’t really understand how or why, but she knows with every fiber of her being that it is real and good, and she wants it desperately. Not a moment goes by where she doesn’t have him on her mind, and she would like to think Ben felt the same.

Being apart from him all those months only confirmed that she might have made a mistake by going with the Resistance. It was the right thing to do in the moment, but her priorities have changed since then, especially now that the Resistance is no longer in imminent danger. Now she needs to take care of herself and that means being with Ben, even if all they do is argue. And there is something that she needs to get off her chest right now.

“You weren’t worried for me when you tried to shoot the Falcon when you were on Crait,” she mumbles with her waterlogged voice.

“That was you?”

For someone who is able to read her emotions so easily, Ben is incredibly dense. Rey sighs, annoyed, and glares at him. “Yeah, it was.”

“I...I…” His wide eyed look would be comical if Rey wasn’t so incensed. “I thought it was Skywalker, or the Wookiee,” he flounders, only now coming to the realization that there was no way Luke could have been piloting the ship since he never actually set foot on Crait.

“So, you’re okay with shooting Chewbacca instead!?” If anything, that annoys her more than knowing that he didn’t know she was on board.

“I hate the Falcon,” he manages to grunt through his clenched teeth.

“Why?”

-

Kylo has never lied to her and he refuses to start now, much to his chagrin. “It’s not the Falcon itself.” If anyone else dared to ask such questions, he would shoot them in an instant, both literally and metaphorically. But with Rey, he’s compelled to tell the truth, even if it means having to face his displaced hatred for his father.

Kylo leaves the statement hanging as he struggles with his inner demons. He’s so used to keeping his hatred deeply internalized that willingly opening up to someone on his own terms, not forcibly like Snoke, is very confusing and he doesn’t know how to express his thoughts. He latches on to the most familiar emotions and lets them dictate his response. Snoke twisted the truth his whole life, but there was one thing about his father that always angered and annoyed him.

“That ship reminds me that Han Solo was never there when I needed him. It reminds me that Mom--” Kylo snaps his mouth shut, lips firmly pressed in a thin line, hoping that Rey didn’t hear his slip up.

But she did, and her face softens while she waits for Kylo to come to terms with what he just admitted. He refers to everyone with such distant, abrasive terms that hearing ‘Mom’ with his own voice rattles him more than it should. He stands there in the cockpit, arms limp by his sides, refusing to speak. He feels like a scolded child and there’s too much shame.

“Ben,” Rey tries, only for Kylo to move past her. “Ben!”

He needs to get away from her. He thought he could do this now, that he was fine being around her, but he was wrong.

It’s not exactly a chase, but more of a brisk walk around the ship that ends with Ben promptly vacating the room he’s hiding in when Rey eventually catches up to him. He’s about to double back to the cockpit when he notices several crates in the loading dock with their lids already cracked open.

“You’ve seen what’s inside?” he asks, immediately stopping the ‘chase’.

“What? Yeah, they’re weapons, but that’s beside the point. You told me you didn’t hate your father!”

Kylo ignores her and retrieves one of the blasters nestled in the crate. “We have to sell these,” he says, not even trying to be subtle with his abrupt change of topic.

It works, though. Rey freezes, her face is pale and frozen like a statue before color floods her cheeks once again. “We are not selling these!” she seethes. “Do you know where these are from? Do you know how they’re made?!”

He swoops down upon her so there’s only a hair's breadth of distance between them. “I know perfectly well how they’re made.”

Rey matches his angry stare. Her eyes are full of passionate, furious emotion until they flick down slightly to his neck. “Is that why you didn’t come back the next day?” she asks, her anger slowly dissipating.

“What do you mean?” Kylo feels self conscious now and brings his hand to his neck, as if he’s ashamed about what had happened to him.

Unfazed by his reaction, Rey moves closer to him and gently places her hand on his; it feels like his soul is completely bared for her in this moment. There’s a slight tremor to his body when she slowly pulls his hand away, watching him closely to gauge his response. He lets her lead until their hands are clenched together between their bodies. Her other hand ghosts over and thumbs the edge of his collar, nudging aside the fabric to expose his two-toned skin. He knows Sarco’s collar left some sort of mark and he’d hoped she wouldn’t notice it or bring it up; he had no intention of going into detail about his time on Jakku, but under Rey’s watchful eyes, he’s compelled to tell her the truth. He’s not sure if it’s out of obligation or guilt for causing her pain in the past, but the words are a jumbled mess on his lips.

“Unkar sold me to Sarco,” he whispers, as Rey hangs onto his every word. “The parts you scavenged were used to modify these weapons.”

“I know.”

“You knew?”

“Why do you think I told you to stay away from that area?”

“I don’t know.”

Rey skims her finger over the discoloration on his neck and with her hand still on his, each of her touches set his body on fire. He can’t help but notice every minute movement from her, even the small twitches that she’s unable to control.

“I’m sorry you had to starve because of me,” he says, unable to do anything but tremble from her ministrations.

“It’s not your fault.” Rey is so tired that she rests her head on his chest and he freezes upon contact. They stay that way as she continues. “I saw what Sarco’s camp looked like after you destroyed it. You did something good, Ben.”

“It didn’t matter though. I made everything worse for you. I’m so sorry I left you,” he whispers, his apology softly echoing through the loading dock.

“Me too,” she replies, and the awkwardness returns in full force.

Any mention of what had happened on the _Supremacy_ still results in a tepid silence between them, both still vulnerable to their own faults. She’s still resting her head on him and even though the irrational urge to move is more powerful than ever, he forces himself to stay still. For her. If she wants to lean on him until the end of time, then he will always stay.

Eventually, she lifts her head and looks down at the crates next to them. “We still can’t sell these.”

And just like that, any connection they had shatters like glass. He frowns at her and her stubbornness. “We have nothing else to offer on Nar Shaddaa. It’s known as the Smuggler’s Moon for a reason.”

“You know how dangerous these weapons can be. Sarco used these to fund turf wars between scavengers and I’ll be damned if I let them out into the galaxy.”

“Rey, listen to me. We’ll survive maybe a few hours on that moon with nothing but our bluffs, but that’s it. We can’t even offer our services as Force users since we can’t do anything!” He growls and starts prowling around the loading dock, annoyed that they can’t have more than a few moments of peace before one of them brings up a sore topic, but he’s more annoyed at how powerless he feels. It’s bad enough that he can’t use the Force, but now he’s vulnerable to the ruthless people of Nar Shaddaa. Being stuck in hyperspace, he can do nothing but agitate about whatever awaits them on the moon.

“We can figure something out! I’m not selling modified weapons just so I can live to see another day!” Rey yells as she stomps her foot.

Kylo throws his hands up in the air in exasperation. “Do you not see the bigger picture here? The people on that moon are scum. You think that these weapons will somehow give crime syndicates more power, but there’s only a few crates here! It’s hardly enough to arm a cartel! Believe me, these are not special weapons. There are far worse on Nar Shaddaa.”

“Sarco was very good at modifying weapons,” Rey says, and Kylo wants to say ‘I know’, but he keeps his mouth shut and lets Rey continue. “He’s very good at tricking people. You think these weapons are nothing, but they’re modified. What’s to stop people from modifying already modified weapons? Have you heard of Canto Bight?” Rey asks suddenly.

“What? Yes, it’s that casino planet, isn’t it?” he replies, unsure why she has brought it up.

“Finn told me that place is crawling with wealthy people who don’t care about anything but the weight of chips in their pockets. There is no light side or dark side, only war and how much their weapons are worth to both the First Order and the Resistance! In a galaxy where there is poverty and slave trading and abuse, they live in their luxurious bubbles and squander all they can. I refuse to fund that sort of lifestyle, not when there are more pressing matters in the galaxy! The gap between them and the weak is already too much.”

Rey’s points are valid and Kylo wholeheartedly agrees with her, but his mind can’t shake away from the mention of the Stormtrooper. He wants to tell her of all his aspirations and plans as Supreme Leader, now that he’s been enlightened about the state of the galaxy, but all he can think of is the Stormtrooper. ‘Finn. Finn. FN-2187. Traitor--no. Defector. The one who escaped,’ he thinks and he curses the Stormtrooper, not in anger but in envy.

Kylo looks at Rey again, and all he sees is determination and spirit. Why is everything he does questioned at every turn? Why can she not trust him to do the right thing? Does she have no faith in him?

In a fit of childish resentment, he pockets one of the blasters and retreats back to the cockpit without another word. He will go find a buyer, one that will use the weapons for defence rather than torture, and then Rey could understand that not everything he did was bad.

Words are just words, and Kylo hopes that his actions will prove that he’s worth believing.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *BANGS ON POTS AND PANS* THIS IS MY FAVE CHAP ;D

The moment they touch down on Nar Shaddaa, Kylo docks at a temporary bay and disembarks. He passes Rey, who stands by the weapons crate, and firmly keeps his face forward. He’s a man on a mission and he doesn’t want to give Rey the chance to stop him. He heard her pacing back and forth outside the cockpit for the past twenty-four hours or so, and knows that she’s more than ready to continue their argument. Without stopping, he exits through the Falcon’s loading bay door and sets about looking for whoever is in charge of his parking bay.

The bay he’s parked at is free for the first two hours. He must pay the questionable looking folk lingering by the bays if he wants to keep his ship past two hours. After that, the bay workers either claim the ship as their own or sell it to whoever is interested. Paying them means that they are obliged to keep their client’s ship safe for the full duration of their stay.

Two hours seems like a lot of time, but Kylo knows better. Nar Shaddaa is a big moon and it can be hard to find buyers who are capable of delivering immediate payment. They don’t have time to deal with loans, bargains, or bartering here. Frankly, considering the moon’s reputation, two hours is hardly a generous amount of time for Kylo to find the right group of people for selling his blaster.

He’s a few blocks away from the docking bay when he stops to think about what he’s doing, Rey’s words ringing true in his head. It’s just one blaster, but it’s modified in a way that would be considered new and appealing to arms dealers. It certainly hurts to get hit by the modified blaster, and while there are far worse weapons for sale on the black market, Kylo doesn’t want to take the risk. If this thing garners too much attention, it could inadvertently paint a target on his head, or worse, Rey’s, since they’re stuck here together.

He ducks into an alleyway, making sure his face is completely hidden, and carefully pries the blaster casing open. It’s not much and he can’t be sure that he will get away with it, but he tweaks the inside of the blaster so that there’s a finite amount of ammunition to expend. There’s maybe ten shots, fifteen max, left in the blaster so if he’s lucky enough, he can sell it for a high price to some gullible schmuck. Much to his delight, Kylo zeroes in on a buyer before too much time has elapsed on his free parking. They’re easy to pick out in a crowded cantina; a group of teenagers with skin too smooth and clean for anyone who truly knows the ins and outs of Nar Shaddaa. The transaction is smoother than Kylo expected, and he figures it must be the first time the kids have bought a blaster, since they take turns cradling the weapon in their hands as if it’s the most amazing thing they’ve ever seen. They’ve probably come to Nar Shaddaa on a dare, or something just as stupid and juvenile. Regardless, it’s the easiest thousand credits he’s ever made. Rich bastards.

There’s still over an hour before he’s due back at the landing bays and Kylo isn’t sure what will happen when he tells Rey about his blaster modifications. He knows it’ll be okay, but he can’t handle Rey’s glares quite yet, so he pulls up a stool at the bar and orders whatever the bartender recommends. Might as well plan what they should do next, since one thousand credits is enough to keep them going for a month.

He’s enjoying his second drink, some Nar Shaddaa special, when some guy bumps into him as he tries to flag down a bartender, jostling Kylo’s drink in the process. A scathing remark is sharp on his tongue but it dies when he gets an eyeful of who had bumped into him. He keeps his eyes focused on the countertop, hair falling over and hopefully obscuring his face.

“Sorry about that,” Han Solo says as the bartending droid fills his glass with an amber liquid. His voice alone makes Kylo’s throat painfully constrict until it feels like he’s drowning in memories.

Like with any interaction with a stranger, Han quickly turns away from him and that should be the end of it, except Kylo is torn between striking a conversation with Han or leaving the establishment before he does anything he will regret. For a split second, Kylo wonders if Han will recognise him, but immediately dispels himself of that worry. Han hasn’t seen him in years, all he knows is the baby faced teenager that was Ben Solo. Kylo works his jaw and rubs his beard. No, there’s no way Han would think him to be his son. Kylo Ren is supposed to be on some First Order ship, cruising through the galaxy, trying to find the map to Luke Skywalker.

He was telling the truth about not hating his father, and having him so close - alive - brings down all his defences. Kylo wipes at the sweat that mingles with the condensation from his glass, and wants so badly to turn to the man next to him and do something. Anything. He doesn’t know what. By all outward appearances, Kylo is nursing his drink and keeping to himself but inside, he’s a ball of nerves. He’s a mess and has to fight the urge to burst into tears and hug Han. He’s swept away by intense regret. Regret for himself, for his mother, for his father -  for everyone who has suffered because he was so easily manipulated and influenced. He’s just a hollow husk of a man now and he will always mourn for the time they all lost because of his weakness.

Despite keeping his lips pressed together and doing his best to remain aloof, something about his demeanor must have tipped Han off because suddenly he turns to Kylo and asks, “Hey, you all right?” He doesn’t give Kylo a chance to answer before adding, “Of course you’re not all right. No one is all right if they’re drinking their sorrows in a bar, on Nar Shaddaa of all places.” Han slides a bowl of nuts so it’s between them and clicks his fingers at the droid. “Hey! Hey you, more free nuts,” he says, pointing at the half empty bowl.

“They’re too salty,” Kylo comments, pushing the bowl away with the back of his hand.

Han chuckles and scoops a handful. “You’re like my kid. He doesn’t like salty things either.”

Han’s throwaway comment is like a punch to the chest, causing Kylo to choke and cough on his drink.

As Han thumps his back, he says, “That’s not a bad thing! He’s a good kid!”

When the coughing subsides, Kylo realises what Han had said. _He’s a good kid_.

A long pause seems to have Han rethinking his words. “He’s a pain in my ass, but that’s kids for you,” he adds belatedly.

“Oh? Is that why you’re drowning your sorrows in a bar, on Nar Shaddaa of all places?” Kylo asks, throwing Han’s words back in his face.

For a second, Kylo wants to take his words back. The last thing he wants is for Han to remember this random encounter, but he’s pretty sure it’s too late for that. The silence that follows is long and unbearable and it makes Kylo want to curl up into a ball and vanish from existence, but then Han lets out a laugh of disbelief and in an instant, his worries disappear.

“For your information, yeah, he is the reason why I’m here,” Han says matter-of-factly before lifting his drink to his lips. “Today’s the anniversary of when we sent him away,” he mumbles against the lip of the glass.

That was today? Kylo never really paid attention to the date itself, but apparently Han did.

“Oh, yeah?” Kylo comments, feigning disinterest. “I thought you said he was a good boy.”

“It’s complicated. We thought it was for the best at the time, but every year that goes by just reminds me that it’s never worth it.” Han lets out an empty laugh. “I don’t even know what he looks like anymore.”

“Did he die?”

Kylo waits with bated breath for Han’s answer.

After a long pause, Han answers, “Nah, he’s still alive. Things got complicated after he left for school and stuff was happening with my wife and--” He suddenly stops and kneads the palm of his hands into his forehead, shoulders sagging with past burdens. “Everyone, including my son, was all for him going to a far away school that his uncle ran. Me? Not so much, and I guess that’s what started the wedge between us. I should have gone to see him.”

Kylo reckons that Han had probably had a few drinks before taking the seat next to him, which explains why he was pouring his heart out to a complete stranger. Everything about Han screams of regret and dejection, but Kylo can’t help the rising anger of his own reply.

“Yeah, you should have at least gone to see your son,” Kylo says bitterly.

“I know,” Han moans, catching Kylo off guard. He didn’t actually think he would agree. He witnessed his parents arguing too many times, both stubborn and headstrong and unyielding. Alcohol must have really loosened Han’s tongue. Kylo moves to take Han’s glass from him, not keen on hearing more of his father’s sorrows, but Han keeps a firm grip on his cup. “Have you got kids?”

That makes him face Han, horror plastered over his face as if to say ‘ _does it look like I have children?_ ’.

“No, sorry. There’s just one bad dad here.” Han tips back the rest of his drink and slams his glass face down on the bench. “I’m gonna give you some life advice--er, what’s your name?”

“Um, Matt,” Kylo replies, uncomfortable with how chatty Han is becoming.

“Okay, Um-Matt, here’s some free life advice. Take it how you will and sure, it may be common sense, but as a parent, you do things for the better of your kids. No matter what, don’t let your ego get in the way of being with your kids. Hell, don’t let your ego get between you and your wife. Or husband. Whoever you’re with, it doesn’t matter. It’s never really worth it, but sometimes shit happens and fights are normal. Get over it.” Han jabs his empty glass at him, flicking any remaining drops onto Kylo’s tunic. “Don’t let arguments stew. Resolve that crap. Ten years later and you’ll look back and realise it was all so kriffing stupid, so don’t do it. Compromise. There’s always a middle ground, you got that?”

Han is wielding his glass like a dagger now, jabbing it threateningly, giving Kylo no choice but to nod in response. Once satisfied, Han puts his glass down and reaches for Kylo’s, taking it as if it was his. He throws the drink back and winces, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “And let them know you care,” he says softly as his head drops. “People don’t hear it enough and sometimes that’s all they need.”

Kylo is left speechless at Han’s pep-talk. Amidst all his emotions after learning how much regret his father carries, annoyance weasels its way into the cluster. He’s extremely annoyed that Han kept running till the very end and that it took going back in time to have the father-son talk that never was.

“Crap, time’s up,” Han says suddenly, shoving another handful of nuts into his mouth.

Kylo follows where Han is looking and immediately sees Chewbacca standing at the entrance. _Shit_. Unlike humans, Wookiees have a keen sense of smell and he would be able to smell something off about Kylo. He tries to slip away unnoticed, but Chewie is already stomping towards them, so he keeps his head down and hopes Chewie won’t look his way.

Which is a laugh, since Han claps a hand on Kylo’s shoulder and pulls him close, giving him no choice but to look at the Wookiee. He stiffens under Han’s touch but the man is too intoxicated to notice.

“Chewie, meet my new friend, Um-Matt. He’s doing you one better and actually listens when I go on about my sorry life,” Han says, shaking Kylo’s shoulders so they bump heads.

Kylo awkwardly waves at Chewie and as he expected, the Wookiee stares at him.

“You,” Chewbacca starts in Shyriiwook and panic floods Kylo’s face. He’s close to running away or at the very least, very blatantly waving his arms around to shut him up. Chewbacca tilts his head in confusion but doesn’t say another word. Instead, he starts pulling on Han’s arm while saying something about how they’re late to meet some clients.

“Okay, okay,” Han says, pulling his hand from Kylo’s shoulder to slap at Chewbacca’s grip on him. “Well, nice talking to ya,” he says to Kylo. “Remember: don’t take life for granted and cherish every moment you have. Take him,” Han jabbed his thumb at Chewbacca then promptly turned to the Wookiee. “Chewie, I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love you, big guy,” Han says before throwing his arms around Chewbacca’s midsection.

Chewbacca rolls his eyes and lets out a roar on appreciation and Kylo can’t help but smile at the sight. For as long as Kylo could remember, Chewbacca was always at Han’s side.

Just before they leave, Han pulls him in for a one-armed hug, and mumbles in his ear. “Don’t let life pass by you. Cherish the moments you have because one day, you might have nothing and will regret everything.” He throws a bittersweet smile at Kylo. It looks like he wants to say something else, but decides against it in the last moment. “See you around, kid.”

Kylo puts on a brave face but he’s shattered. He’s alone at the bar once again with nothing but empty glasses and scattered nuts. His heart becomes heavy with melancholy as he indicates the droid to fill his cup again. He keeps his head down and watches a new cup be filled before him, all while going over Han’s words.

_‘Cherish the moments you have because one day, you might have nothing and will regret everything.’_

Then, before Kylo realises what’s happening, there’s something wet on his face. He dabs his fingers against his cheeks and stares at the wetness. They are tears shed for wasted time that he will never get with Han, for stilted love that will never be fixed, and for advice that has come too late. Silent tears continue to run down his face and drip into his drink, but he doesn’t care.

‘ _See you around, kid.’_

Those words cut the deepest, knowing that they were also Luke’s final words.

He’s tired of running and he’s tired of fighting. Rey is all that matters to him now and he’s not going to waste their time together with arguing about things that are currently out of their control.

He swings back the dregs of his now foul drink and leaves the bar. He knows where he needs to be, and it isn’t there.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....MY FAVE CHAP BC OF HOW FUCKIN EMO I GOT BYE


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life punched me in the face and kicked me when I was down on Friday, so I apologise for missing the Friday update :'( Thank you to all your comments, they really do cheer me up and give me life! <3 ~~I'm super slow at replying to comments but it will happen!~~

Rey is fuming. She had already endured over twenty-four hours of silence and for Ben to brush past without having the decency to even look at her, much less tell her where he was going, was enough to make steam come out of her ears. She noticed a giant sign outside with the words ‘2 hours free’ written in an alien language and figured that he had gone to get credits somehow. Still, it pisses her off that he just left her on the ship.

Rey had considered chasing after Ben or even exploring Nar Shaddaa on her own, but one glance out of the viewport at the chaos below was enough for Rey to decide against it. The peculiar stores littering the streets were fascinating, but if she left the ship, she might get lost forever. Rey stays away from all the windows and resists the urge to peer outside, whether to watch the people going by or to catch a glimpse of Ben. Instead she sets up a workstation so she can go through the weapons quickly. Hopefully it will distract her enough to begin to ease her rage.  

Rey knows they need credits to survive and selling the ship’s contents is a solid idea, but she’d rather sell boring blasters than Sarco’s weapons. Removing the modifications should be easy enough with the tools on board. The fact  that they’re all untraceable should also help to draw in some buyers.

However, it’s been over an hour since she got started on the first crate and she realises how daunting this task is going to be. There are a lot of crates on board, all stacked together and Rey can only sit and stare at them, wondering how in the world she is going to get through them all before Ben comes back.  If he’s gone and sold even that one modified blaster, it would mean that someone out there would be expecting more. Rey scowls; Ben would have to pry Sarco’s modified weapons from her cold, dead hands before she handed them over.

As if being summoned by her thinking about him, the loading bay doors open to reveal Ben and the distinct stench of alcohol hits Rey in the face. She glares at him from her makeshift seat and tightens her grip on her screwdriver, trying to decide what to do next. Disappointment and anger don’t even come close to how furious she is at him right now. She doesn’t know where to start when Ben silently goes over to her, pulls up a small crate and sits on it. He looks inside the toolbox to the side and plucks out a similar screwdriver to hers and proceeds to unscrew the casing of the blaster she was about to work on.

The only sounds are her angry breathing and the scratching of screws loosening.

“What were you doing with these?” Ben asks, breaking the silence.

There’s a beat before Rey replies, her voice terse. “Removing the modifications so they’re ordinary blasters.”

Ben hums, nodding, and mimics the process Rey had been performing for the last hour. “You were right, you know,” he says, placing the modified component on the bench next to him.

Rey watches as he carefully inspects the blaster before assembling the weapon again. There is a surprising gentleness to the way his hands move over the weapon and it reminds her of the way his voice sounds sometimes. He is capable of violence and rage, she knows this, but he is equally capable of a kind of tenderness that makes her heart and body yearn for him. She so wishes that they were here together under different circumstances. Being alone with him, watching him work, hearing him talk about everything and nothing in that gentle tone of voice that she suspects is just for her; she can’t think of anything more calming or peaceful, considering their situation. “About selling modified blasters,” he elaborates after a beat.

“It’s too late though,” she says with a pout in her voice. “You went and sold one.”

_Click_.

Ben holds the blaster to eye level and checks that everything is clipped back in place. “I modified the modified blaster. Not like this, but enough.” He adds the blaster to the existing pile of altered blasters and reaches for another one.

Rey follows suit. Ben admitting that he was wrong has already helped Rey’s anger. And thank the Maker he isn’t drunk.

It’s comforting, working across from each other with Nar Shaddaa’s muffled sounds in the distance.

“I sold the blaster to some rich Inner Core kids,” Ben says after his fifth blaster. He looks up and sees Rey’s look of horror and backpedals to explain. “Don’t worry. I changed it so there’s only enough power for like, ten shots, and they, being dumbasses, had already wasted half the power on inanimate objects. They won’t bother us,” he reassures her.

It takes Rey a few moments to relax and go back to her blaster. “Did they pay well?”

That makes Ben bust out a large grin. “One thousand credits.”

“You’re joking.”

He shakes his head, causing his long, unkempt hair to fly everywhere. “Nope. I told you, they were dumbasses.”

“One thousand credits.” Rey continues to mouth the number, still not quite believing the fortune they had come upon.

“Yep. That’s enough for us to get by for a month or so. Which is something we need to discuss,” Ben says seriously. He drops what he’s doing and gives her his full attention. “What do you want to do, Rey?”

Rey almost drops her screwdriver in shock. “What?”

“You. What do you want to do?”

“Take down the First Order,” she answers automatically.

“No. No, that’s not what I mean.” He reaches across the small workspace and takes her hands into his. “What do you want to do? We have enough credits and enough blasters to get us through however long it will be until we can get back to our timeline. We have at least three months to do anything we want to do. No Resistance. No First Order. Just us. Or just you, if you want to go on your own.”

He’s already pulling his hand from hers before his words have left his mouth. Rey quickly grabs his fingers. “No, we stay together. We figure this out together, and stay together.”

Ben nods continuously, head bobbing up and down as he chews the inside of his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I’m sorry for everything. For hurting you and making you cry. I’m just as bad as Snoke, all I do is hurt people.”

His head flops down and his large body hunches over on the incredibly small crate. He sits looking like a chastised child. Rey practically jumps out of her seat when she sees him start to spiral down. Ben’s hands come up to cover his face, as if he’s trying to hide his shame for everything he’s done.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he chants, voice becoming waterlogged.

Seeing him like this makes Rey’s eyes widen in concerned panic. She doesn’t know exactly what to do, but he looks so broken and desolate that she has to try to do something to help him weather this storm of emotions. Despite his size, he looks like a small child, all alone in the world, and in an instant, she knows what he needs. It’s what she had always wanted when she was younger, when the days were almost too hard to endure and the lonely nights found her curled up into a ball with tears streaming down her face.

Rounding their workspace, Rey wraps her arms around him and he cuts off his pitiful chant. He stiffens immediately, which only makes Rey tighten her hold around him. She rubs her cheeks against the crown of his head, until he eventually swivels to face her. He pulls her onto his lap and circles his arms around her, his face buried into the crook of her neck.

Something happened when he went out earlier. Whether it’s good or bad, Rey doesn’t know, but all she can do is wait and see.

She had been worried that he had been too far gone to the dark to come back, too resolved in his mission to ‘rule the galaxy’, but seeing him like this erase all her concerns. This broken man before her isn’t Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order. This is Ben Solo, the person who was patient with her; who had listened to her; who had even cried for her when she was still trying to find herself on Ahch-To.

This is Ben Solo, the abused boy whose broken body yearns for loving touch and whose soul longs for peace.

This is Ben Solo, the man whose soul has become interwoven with hers.

He is the man who makes her palms sweaty and heart palpitate.

He is the man who can comfort her with his presence alone.

And she is  the only person who truly understands him and knows the pain and hardship he has gone through. Because she had gone through it too.

And it hurts.

Rey nuzzles into his shoulder and it feels like her soul is wrapped in a warm embrace, one she has wanted and waited for all her life. It feels like all the loneliness and solitude she’s had to endure until now was worth it, for she’s never felt more safe or wanted in her life.

With Ben, she truly feels like she belongs.

With Ben, she’s truly happy.

-

Later, after they’ve untangled themselves from each other and Rey has awkwardly shimmied down from his lap, Ben relocates their ship to a more reputable part of the moon. They find a modest apartment with one bedroom, not too expensive and large enough that two single beds can fit into their bedroom. Even though they share a room, it’s not too cramped. Rey bounces on her bed, taking the one closest to the window so she can see the bustling city below.

“Want to explore?” Ben asks, coming up behind her to take a better look at Nar Shaddaa.

Rey feels uneasy at the suggestion. “What happens if we get lost?”

“If we’re together, we’ll never be lost,” Ben says without missing a beat, not realising how he sounds, leaving Rey to stare at him with flushed cheeks. She quickly hides her face and tries to remain cool; if that statement wasn’t a big deal to him then she wouldn’t make it one either.

“Yeah, let’s go find something to eat. I thought after I left Jakku that I wouldn’t need to eat those rations again,” Rey says, gagging slightly at the thought of having to ingest another bland, synthetic meal.

“We can get some clothes while we’re at it, too. Make a list of where you wanna go.”

“You make one too.”

Already halfway across the room, Ben turns to her and asks with a tilt of his head, “Why would I need to?”

“Because there are places you want go to also?” she says slowly, not sure why Ben was being so difficult.

“Wherever you want to go is okay. After all, we’re stuck in the past. I’ve had my whole life to travel the galaxy, but you haven’t. Even with the Resistance, I doubt you would be able to explore the galaxy freely.”

“No, I haven’t,” she says softly.

“Then that’s settled. Come on, the sooner we eat something that isn’t rations, the better,” Ben says, leaving Rey alone in their room.

She breathes deeply and gnaws on her bottom lip. Is this it? Is this how he’s going to be for the next few months? Rey doesn’t know exactly what to do, or how long this will last. She’s not used to people taking her desires into consideration, and now he’s told her flat out that he would follow her to any place of her choosing.

Rey covers her face in embarrassment, telling herself that all of this is perfectly fine. Ben doesn’t look bothered by their sleeping arrangements, or that she’s the only company he will keep, so it shouldn’t bother her either.

But it doesn’t stop her from being overly aware of where he is. Even outside, being jostled by people, Ben keeps close to her, and when they reach a particularly busy part of town, he holds her hand, as if it’s a completely normal thing to do.

It’s the most logical thing to do, that’s for sure.

It takes a while for Rey to relax and squeeze his hand in response, butterflies fluttering in her stomach and crawling up her throat. His face remains the same, cool and stoic, which makes Rey wonder what’s on his mind.

God, it’s so unfair that he can make her feel this way and look effortless doing so. Still, she sticks close to him, bathing in his scent.

She’s on her second serving of whatever food he’s ordered for them when she starts to understand what Ben had meant earlier. She had originally thought it would be best to stay on their ship and go out in disguise, but what’s the point? No one knows who she is and as far as Ben is concerned, no one knew Kylo Ren’s face and beyond even that, Ben looks completely different now. His hair isn’t bouncy with thick locks and his beard changes his facial features dramatically. They really could go around the galaxy, unnoticed, and do whatever they want.

Her mouth makes an ‘o’ against the lip of her glass. This wasn’t an unfortunate mistake at all. No, this is a window of opportunity for them.

“Let’s get a map of the galaxy. I want to see it all,” Rey says as she picks at her teeth with her fingernail.

A hint of a smile graces Ben’s face. “Sounds like a plan.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's just soft from here on out baby


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy halloween, folks!! again, thank you for all your comments! you guys are the best readers, i hope you will continue to enjoy my fic <3

“A library?”

“Yeah,” Rey says, nervously playing with the last bit of her soup. They’re sitting on the floor of their living room with star maps scattered around them. To their right is a large window that reveals the slow rising sun. “I stole the Jedi texts before I left Ahch-To and I know I should pick a place that has nothing to do with what’s happening in the future but--”

“It’s fine. If you want to go to a library, then I’ll take you to one. Coruscant,” Ben says, balancing his own soup bowl on his knee while pulling up a map of the Core Worlds to show her. “Coruscant has the largest one. I’ll find someone who can get us access cards so you can even check out whatever books or holos or scrolls you need.”

Rey bobs her head up and down and slurps the rest of her soup before closing her eyes to bask in the first rays of dawn. She looks at Ben from the corner of her eye and sees him cleaning up any stray soup bits that got caught in his beard.

“Why don’t you shave it off?” she asks, jabbing her spoon at him.

Still rubbing his beard with a napkin, Ben shrugs. “Not many people know my face but all it would take to ruin us is for the wrong someone to recognise me. I was always clean shaven with neat hair, so I don’t think anyone would mistake me for Kylo Ren as I am now. I mean, you saw how I looked before.”

“Yeah, I sure did,” Rey mutters, her mind immediately replaying the moment when he took off his helmet in the interrogation room. His appearance had been commanding in every way, from his stature to his clothing to his grooming. ‘Majestic’ is the word that comes to mind when she thinks of how he’d been that day. From the way he held himself to his hair and his kriffing pouty lips, everything had screamed royalty. And then her traitorous mind remembers the way he had looked during one of their Force connections; shirtless and glistening with sweat, his wide chest heaving, unbothered by his distinct lack of clothes.

“It’s good that we got new clothes yesterday,” Ben comments, oblivious to Rey’s reddening cheeks. “Don’t want to draw any attention to ourselves, which we certainly would if we tried to do this looking how we currently do.”

“Okay, well, you’re definitely going to have to trim that thing on your face somehow or they might not let us in.”

“Hmm, you’ve got a point. I’ll do so after we’re in hyperspace. It’s going to take us a few days to get there, so we might as well wrap everything up today. I’ll sell some more blasters so we have enough. You think you’re ready to leave Nar Shaddaa?”

Nar Shaddaa certainly lived up to its name. With seedy corners and dark alleyways and neon signs everywhere, it was a stark contrast to all the other worlds she had visited, as limited as they were. This was the first proper city-dominated place she had visited. From the spice stores to the slave trading to the buying and selling of illegal things Rey would rather not think about, she was more than ready to leave this moon, though she would cherish the memories she and Ben had made in their tiny temporary apartment. It had been a good place to lay low for a while to get ahold of things cheaply and quickly, and the markets never seemed short of idiots for Ben to con, but the place made her feel like unwanted eyes were always watching her. Ben never left her side and she had caught him scowling at different people on more than one occasion.

“Yes, I’m ready. This place actually made me miss space,” Rey jokes. Now that they’re planning on leaving, Rey can’t wait to get off this rock and enthusiastically gets ready to spend her last day on Nar Shaddaa.

-

Even though they had only spent a week on Nar Shaddaa, Kylo lets out a sigh of relief when their ship slips into hyperspace and leaves the moon behind. The place was heinous. His brief time as a Jakku slave was by no means enough for him to completely understand what slaves endured on a daily basis, but it was a start. Every street they had visited had at least one stall that sold animals, rare creatures locked up in small cages with no room to move. It reminded him too much of his happabore comrade on Jakku and he wanted to smash through all the cages at every animal stall he saw. One time, he almost did, but stopped himself when he saw who manned it. Slave girls, slave boys, slave aliens, all with collars around their necks. The sight made his own neck tingle and his nose crinkled in disgust as he promptly turned away, directing himself and Rey somewhere else before he did anything foolish.

But it didn’t matter, because there were so many stalls _._ It’s called the Smuggler’s Moon for a reason but actually seeing the types of trading made Kylo sick to his stomach. And that was just the animals. He didn’t dare think about the alleys with a different aura from the rest, bright lights that flickered, broken and in need of repair.  

He had been to Nar Shaddaa in the past, but hidden behind a mask with Snoke watching him, feeling immense pressure to be as intimidating as possible. Back then, Kylo didn’t care to see what was happening; now, he can’t see anything but.

He could tell it affected Rey and he was glad that he’d thought to rent a place that gave them the best view of the horizon. She deserved the best, and the pretty lights and breathtaking skyline were all he could offer to make her briefly forget about the underworld below.

Kylo’s not sure how long they’ll stay on Coruscant, so he plans on docking somewhere close to the Library of the New Republic. If the Jedi texts Rey stole from the ancient temple on Ahch-To were really the originals, he’s not surprised she needs help translating them. His time training to be a Jedi included many long hours spent studying old texts that Skywalker found on his travels around the galaxy, and trying to understand their languages was extremely difficult. Hopefully, the Library of the New Republic would help.

Rey is right about one thing, however; he’s going to have to trim his beard so that it’s up to Core World standards. Similarly, she can’t wear her hair the way she has recently, half up and half down. He actually prefers it that way; he still remembers how she looked on Ahch-To, breathless and shiny-eyed as her damp hair dried by the fire. It’s special to him, but Core Worlds are picky and they both need to look the part. They already have expensive looking robes that billow and shine under light, so all that’s left is how they present themselves.

When there’s less than four hours left on their hyperspace journey, Ben steals himself away to the ‘fresher with a pair of scissors. Carefully, he trims the edges so he looks less like he’s been living out of a ship for a month and more like a scholar from a Core World.

‘It should be easy to gain access to anything there,’ Kylo thinks to himself as he analyses the side of his face, giving it a few snips before inspecting the other side. ‘I was born on a Core World. Royal blood  literally flows through my veins.’

Speaking of royalty, Kylo leans against the basin and studies his face. He remembers various adults commenting on how he had his mother’s eyes when he was younger and looking at his reflection now, he can see the resemblance. His fingers ghost over the mirror and he wonders what his mother looks like now. She must look older, her hair is probably grey by now, and she would still wear braids in her hair, Alderaanian until the very end.

Stepping out of the ‘fresher, he sees Rey already in her robes, ready and eager to see a new world. Upon noticing him, she pulls her eyes from the holo she was browsing and gets up to meet him. “See? You look much better now.”

“I wasn’t handsome enough before?” he asks playfully.

Rey doesn’t rise to the bait, answering without so much of a pause. “Handsome isn’t going to get us into the library. Besides, if you got caught and ended up in jail, who would you be handsome for? The police?”

“Oh, I think I can think of someone,” Kylo mumbles, shooting Rey a quick glance.  

“It’s hilarious that you think that I would get caught,” Rey says, deadpan. “I would be too angry that you didn’t shave like I told you to.”

“All right, all right,” Kylo says, holding his hands out in a display of repentance. “But I’m not the only one who needs to do something with their hair.”

Rey’s hands flew to her head in defence. “What’s wrong with my hair?”

“Nothing, but we’re meant to look like scholars. Here, turn around.”

With a frown, Rey does as she’s told. Standing so close to her, his fingers falter for a moment as he tries to decide what he should do with her hair. He finds himself wanting to braid it, like his his mother braided his when he was young. It’s an incredibly intimate act to weave his hands into her hair, which is surprisingly soft between his fingers. He’s extremely unpracticed and his first attempt is so clumsy that it becomes a mess in no time and he has to start over. “Sorry, hang on. Let me--” Kylo is so lost in thought as he begins taking down the failed braids that he fails to realize what this specific act means in Alderaanian culture. Combing through the leftover kinks in Rey’s hair, his hands freeze when he suddenly remembers what his mother had told him: allowing your partner to unbraid your hair meant that you were practically married. Kylo’s eyes flick from his fingers to the top of her head, waiting for Rey to say something. She doesn’t, which is to be expected. Alderaan no longer exists, nor most of its traditions. Besides himself and his mother, no one else would know what he had just done.

Rey’s voice breaks his reverie, causing him to jolt and let go of her hair. “Everything alright?”

“Ye-yes,” he stutters, taking up sections of her hair once more. This time the braid is a success and curls around her head like a crown. Kylo sits back, satisfied, and also impressed, with his own handiwork and is quick to let her know he’s all done. She turns around to face him and his breath catches in his throat.

“How do I look?” Rey asks, flashing a toothy smile. A few tresses from the front of her hairline have fallen out and frame her face perfectly, giving her an ethereal look. With her robes and her new hairdo, she looks like someone who was born on Alderaan. All Kylo can do is nod, unable to find the right words to truly do her justice. “Great!” she says before rushing to the ‘fresher to take a look herself.

Kylo remains seated and looks down at his hands, amazed that he did that when Rey praises him for his effort.

“I look totally different!” she cries out, only to pop her head back into the room. “Is that why your hair looked so good, even with that helmet?”

Kylo chuckles and flicks his hair over his shoulder. “Of course.”

Rey rolls her eyes and pulls her head back into the ‘fresher to admire herself further. When she’s not looking, Kylo’s face softens, thinking about all the times his mother had let him braid her hair when he was bored. He had kept his own hair in braids occasionally between missions, but forwent the habit in case someone like Hux saw him. It had been so many years since he had thought about braiding his hair and he wistfully rubs his own locks between his fingers.

-

Rey was used to Ben’s intensity, but only just. Everything he does makes her stomach somersault and her arms turn to jelly. She was wary when he volunteered to fix her hair, but she had to admit, it really sold their disguises. Still, it didn’t erase the fact that she was trembling the whole time he was braiding and she hoped Ben wouldn’t notice.

Now, amongst the shelves in the Library of the New Republic, with only the two of them in their present section, Rey watches him from the corner of her eye. She’s already collected a few books that will help her, but her thoughts have constantly been derailed whenever she sees Ben take a book from its place with his gentle fingers and thumb through the pages. He’s lost in thought and looks to be successfully absorbing the book’s contents, but the same can’t be said for Rey.

This is getting ridiculous.

“I’ll be back. I’m going to take a look around,” Rey whispers and slips from the aisle. Ben hums behind her without lifting his head.

Rey blows out a large sigh when she finally regains the ability to breathe more easily. What’s going on between them isn’t bad, but it makes her self-conscious around him and that annoys her more than anything else. What are they? They hadn’t done anything physical yet, or even attempted to define this thing that they obviously both felt. She couldn't say that they were dating; the word was too shallow to describe their souls being connected to one another's. Even without the Force, she can still feel him resonate within her and it feels right. Too often she’s wondered what his lips would feel like on hers, and she positively craves having his arms wrapped around her once more. It’s as if that intimate, though innocent, hug they’d shared back on Nar Shaddaa put her under a spell, and she needs to immediately begin making up for all those years they both spent in isolation. Now it feels like she can’t get enough and it’s starting to eat her alive.

She quickly ducks into a random aisle when she sees Ben emerge. She has no real reason to hide from him, but keeps in the shadows as he looks around once and goes off in a different direction. She wants them to be something more and yet there she was, avoiding him.

What if he doesn’t feel as strongly about her as she does about him?

She touches her hair. He and his stupid braids had done this to her. She was perfectly content with whatever was going on between them, which was nothing and something at the same time, but then he braided her hair and looked at her as if she was the centre of the universe. Seeing him standing before her, his mouth slightly ajar and his eyes unwilling to leave her face is when she realized that something had changed. Before that moment, she was confident that he thought of their bond as platonic. Now she knows it’s something more but then he goes on about his business as if nothing has changed between them.

Rey groans and thumps her head against the bookcases. She’s being an idiot. This shouldn’t be this hard. She’s literally survived worse than Ben Solo, the man who, at the end of the day, has to go back to the First Order when this is all over. She groans again and slumps against the bookcase when someone bumps into her, causing scrolls to go flying.

“Sorry,” Rey apologises, immediately helping the man pick up his things.

“No, no, it was my fault. I wasn’t looking where I was going,” the man says, joining her on the floor.

Once they’ve collected all his scrolls, he nods in thanks and walks away. Just as Rey is about to go look for Ben, something on the floor catches her eye. It’s small and rectangular, kind of like a microchip. Thinking that the man must have dropped it, Rey rushes after him.

“Wait! You dropped this!”

The man’s eyes widen and he takes the chip eagerly. “Thank you so, so much. You have no idea what you’ve done. You’ve may have just saved me, as well as the galaxy!” the man says, far more enthusiastic than he was a few moments ago.

It catches her off guard, she was not expecting such a dramatic thank you. “You’re welcome,” Rey stutters, although her curiosity is piqued.

“Really, thank you very much,” the man says again before hurrying away, this time without leaving anything behind.

“What a strange man,” Rey mumbles. He looked familiar somehow, but from where? He didn’t seem to know her and it wasn’t anyone she’s met before, so how does she know him?

As she sets off to look for Ben, she goes over all the possible places they could have crossed paths. It’s not until she spots Ben at the end of an aisle that she finally places the man’s face.

_‘I know where you come from, before you called yourself Kylo Ren.’_

Rey freezes, heart punching its way up her throat and suffocating her. That man was someone Ben killed. It’s all coming back to her now. She has Ben’s memories but this one is something that has lain dormant, unmoving until now.

Now she can’t get rid of the man’s face, how he closes his eyes in acceptance when a bright red lightsaber comes down on him. Rey wants to throw up. She wants to turn around and run, but Ben sees her before she can do so and calls out to her.

“Find everything you need?”

She forces herself to stay still even though the sudden need to fidget arises. Just talking about it with Ben in such an open area is dangerous, if not downright idiotic. If she’s being honest with herself, she doesn’t even know if she wants to talk about it with him. She knows he’s killed people before. With the current political climate, it would be hard to find someone who hadn’t. Even she has blood on her hands, but seeing the man’s death from Ben’s point of view shakes her more than it should. Maybe because it’s on behalf of the First Order, rather than in self defence, is the reason that it feels somehow apart from other things she’s witnessed and experienced. Rey knows he feels deep regret. It’s painted all over his face; his eyes are the most expressive she’s ever seen and they never lie. She’s seen him lost in thought many times while on their trip, usually when he thinks she’s asleep or not looking.

The difference between the mindless killer he once was, and the man he is now is that Ben understands and accepts his actions’ consequences and lives with them every day.

She makes a mental note to discuss it with him at some point, but she doesn’t know when. It’s like there’s an unspoken rule between them against discussing present day matters. She might not bring it up today, or tomorrow, but one day she will. One day when they’re both strong enough and ready to talk about what had happened all those months ago.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Library of the Republic](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Library_of_the_Republic)
> 
>  
> 
> Alderaanian tradition where only your loved ones unbraid your hair.
> 
>  


	14. Chapter 14

Something had changed. Kylo would have to be blind not to notice.

It started after Coruscant.

There had always been an awkward tension between them, but he chalked it up to their bizarre situation being stuck in the past together, or maybe even from the uncomfortable lingering feelings from all that transpired on the _Supremacy_ after Snoke died. It hadn’t really affected their plans over the following month or so, at least on a practical level. Rey still enthusiastically chose which planet to visit after consulting her holos and they still stuck with each other whenever they explored new planets, but it felt different now.

There were numerous small things that tipped him off that something was bothering her.

They only held hands when the cities they visited were so crowded that it was a danger not to, but unlike Nar Shaddaa, Rey would start to squeeze his palm, only to freeze and slacken her hold. It was like she was holding back, not allowing herself to get too close to him and properly enjoy their travels, which bothered him and put a frown on his face.

He tried asking her about it once. The planet they were visiting was having a festival to celebrate a successful harvest and as they watched from a parade’s sidelines, Kylo looked down at her and noticed her tense expression. He must have been watching a fraction too long because Rey looked up questioningly, prompting him to ask, “Is everything okay, Rey?”

She caught on immediately, a smidgen of guilt creeping onto her face, but she merely gave him a small smile. “Not now, Ben,” she had said, before getting up on her tiptoes to get a better look at the parade. “Let’s enjoy this while we can.”

That was a few weeks ago and neither of them brought it up again, doing nothing to ease his worries. In retrospect, his timing was terrible, as always. Why did he feel the need to ask such a question in the middle of a harvest festival?

Maybe she had some epiphanies of her own. He had his own fair share of them whilst in the cockpit’s solitude , and it isn’t surprising if she’s still trying to wrap her head around their roles in the galaxy. More specifically, his as Supreme Leader, but she’s right. They’ve been given this rare opportunity to be together without hindrance, so Kylo puts it out of his mind and decides to just keep living each day as it comes.

-

They’re somewhere in the Outer Rim when Rey asks, “Where do lightsaber crystals come from?”

It’s nighttime and they’re in their respective beds, the giant space between them both a blessing and a curse. Rey’s hand presses against the two broken bits of crystal hidden under her shirt as she looks to her left. Ben is lying on his side tonight, facing her with his arm under his head. “Lightsaber crystal? You mean Kyber?”

“Yeah,” Rey says, turning over to face him, her arm mimicking his. “I’ve been wondering for a while now actually. I want to build my own lightsaber, but haven’t really had much time; you know, what with the Resistance and all. And no, I’m not telling you where they are,” she hastily adds.

Ben, feeling pensive but unbothered by her paranoia, replies, “They’re hard to find these days, but we can try. Ilum used to be rich with Kyber but over the years, the caves were stripped of their crystals.”

“Is that where yours came from?”

“Yeah,” he says softly. “Luke--” He stops and her eyes widen. It’s the first time he’s mentioned Luke. If Rey thought Crait and the _Supremacy_ were sore topics, Luke is something she wouldn’t bring up at all unless prompted. “He brought me there to get my crystal,” Ben continues, his eyes glazing over, no doubt trying to suppress any connecting memories that arise. “Kyber crystals are naturally attuned to the Force, so it’s more like the crystal choses you. It’s an individual thing, finding a crystal. Sometimes it can take weeks to find the one that’s meant to be yours.”

“How long did it take you?” Rey asks quietly, hanging on to his every word.

Clarity ebbs back into his eyes, his brown eyes meeting hers. “I read every scroll and text that was available to me about the Jedi and the Force. When I was with Skywalker, I studied a lot and believed every word I read. Thinking back, doing that wasn’t a good idea. The Force became a thing that must only be used by the Light, for the Light, the good. I think that’s why it took me so long to find my crystal. It didn’t take so long for Skywalker’s other students, but for me…”

Rey knows what he means. Until the day BB-8 rolled into her life and set so many things in motion, Rey believed that the Force was only to be used for good, and that the Jedi, mythical as they were, were necessary to bring balance to the galaxy. But now, after everything she’d experienced, and what she’d learned from Luke and Ben, she knows now that the Jedi had it all wrong.

“The texts that I took from Ahch-To,” Rey starts, catching Ben’s attention. “Threepio translated a bit of it for me. There’s a passage that says ‘The Force is the Light, the Force is the Dark. Jedi choose the Light, for all it reveals’.”

A sigh leaves Ben. “Sounds about right. Skywalker was alway so fixated on making sure everyone was on the right path,” he says bitterly, the coldness in his eyes returning.

Suddenly Rey remembers Crait was the first time Ben and Luke had seen each other since their terrible misunderstanding, since Ben had become Kylo Ren. “What Luke did was wrong, but he regretted it the moment he ignited his lightsaber,” Rey says.

“I’m sure he did,” Ben snarls, his body starting to curl in on itself. “I’m sure his biggest regret was that he was caught before he could kill me.”

“No, that’s not--”

“Even in his final moments, he taunted me,” Ben goes on, lip trembling with every word. “What was the point? To teach me a lesson? About what? Trust? Well, congratulations to him, I learnt my lesson.”

It cuts Rey deeper than she would like, but then again, their trust is rocky at best. She wasn’t sure she could say that she trusted Ben completely. “I don’t think trust is a bad thing,” she says quietly, avoiding his eyes. “It doesn’t make you weak to choose to trust someone. If anything, it makes you incredibly brave to open yourself like that.”

“In didn’t matter in the end. People still believe Skywalker is the patron saint of the galaxy.”

“Everyone may have revered him, but that made it all the more unbearable for him. I don’t think Luke disappeared to run away, but to punish himself for what he had done--no, tried to do. To you. He wanted to fade away and be forgotten and eventually the galaxy had to let him go.”

“And yet, in every corner of the galaxy, people still revere Skywalker to the very end.”

“That’s not his fault, or yours. That’s on the galaxy. You want to let the past die? So did he.”

“The galaxy refuses to move forward, both the Resistance and the First Order included.”

“I know,” Rey says, meeting his eyes again. “The Resistance, as good as their intentions are, only think about destroying the First Order, but then what happens if or when they do?”

“I know. I know,” he repeats softly with a sigh. “The First Order was built on what the Empire believed, that the galaxy was best ruled by a wise leader with an iron fist. What the First Order lacked, the New Republic tried to build, but they didn’t do it right either. Both governments and regimes are flawed. For as long as the New Republic was in power, why did so much go unchecked? For example, you, Rey. You were a child when you were forced into a scavenger slave life and no one thought that was wrong, or even if they did, no one felt strongly enough to do anything about it. Everyone in power was comfortable and complacent because they weren’t the ones being directly affected by anything negative. They didn’t even think that perhaps the galaxy was never adequate at all. The Empire rose to power because the Galactic Republic was too busy squabbling amongst itself to see the corruption. What’s happening between New Republic and the First Order is history repeating itself because no one learned the lesson the first time. It’s no wonder the Force is unbalanced.”

“It sounds like you’ve thought about this for a long time,” Rey comments.

He looks at her so intensely that her throat closes, his passionate stare hypnotising her. “Not a day goes by where I don’t think about this. The First Order and Snoke were a means to an end, but things will change now. I will change them.”

And she believes him.

The Resistance leadership is unstable and Rey knows that Poe isn’t thinking about things long term; it’s the way he’s wired. She knows that if they were to end the First Order, then that would be it; there isn’t a plan in place for what comes next. The galaxy would slip into complacency again since it’s normal for children to be stolen from their parents and sold into slavery; for slaves of all kinds to be bought and sold; for animals to be caged and mistreated; and for every planet to have an underworld that everyone knows about, but refuses to openly admit.

“Finn was stolen at birth,” Rey mentions suddenly. “The Stormtroopers are the same.”

“I know,” Ben says, the earlier passion in his eyes turning to sadness.

All those months ago, Rey thought she lost Ben entirely to darkness. Now she can see that he was never truly gone, just hiding behind the only persona that was familiar to him. There’s something different about the way he speaks now, a thoughtfulness she hadn’t seen before,  and it leads Rey to believe that it might not be so bad for the galaxy if he were to remain Supreme Leader.  

-

Ilum is cold, colder than Rey anticipated. Even with layers of clothing and Ben close at her side, she still shivers at the bone chilling winds. Despite the freezing environment, she feels the pieces of her broken crystal start to thrum and warm against her sternum. For the first time since diving through the portal, she feels the Force at her fingertips once again.

Ben notices it as well, his hand grabbing her shoulder the moment they step foot on the icy planet.

Even though they weren’t able to access the Force, they both still trained, whether it was meditating or practicing lightsaber poses from the books she had taken from Coruscant. It felt somewhat useless, but sometimes there was nothing better to do. It was always better when Ben joined her; practicing together, each of their movements were more fluid, almost dance-like. They could not improve their Force combat skills, but it still felt like they were accomplishing something.

But on Ilum, with the Force finally palpable again, trying new lightsaber poses and moves makes sense.

She wants to suggest it to Ben when they reach a cave, only to stop short when she sees what is before her.

“I told you these caves don’t have much left,” Ben says, coming up behind her.

It’s true, there’s nothing that resembles a crystal in sight. All that’s left are rock formations that disappear deeper into the cavern, but Rey still feels the Force.

As they make their way deeper into the cave network, it gets warmer and warmer until it’s no longer comfortable. When they reach the end of the tunnel, Rey can’t take it anymore. She shakes out of her thick jacket and breathes a sigh of relief when she no longer feels like she’s being suffocated. Ben does the same, running a hand through his long, tousled hair after pulling off his extra layers.

They find themselves in a large room, but still, no crystals.

“There’s something here,” Ben says, his murmur loudly echoing inside the cavern. “But where?”

“Even if we don’t find a crystal, feeling the Force again makes the trip worth it.” Rey rubs her arms and stretches, ready and wanting to practice now that the Force is available to them again.

It’s not long before Ben joins her, his moves mirroring and complimenting her own. Separately, some moves feel almost too violent, but together, it feels right. The Force grows stronger with each step, and they end up back to back, dancing around together. After being so long without the Force, its sudden presence makes Rey lightheaded. They continue to spin and twirl until they end up face to face, out of moves and out of breath.

Their chests are heaving with effort, both of them overwhelmed by the sudden Force waves, and it takes a moment to regain their breath. They’re so close their clothes are touching. Her eyes begin darting all over his face, drinking in the sweaty appearance that makes him look like he's glowing. Every mole, every line and feature on his face, every bead of moisture caught in his beard, it all fills her with warmth.

Ben places his hand against her cheek, his skin hot against her clammy flesh, and then they’re leaning closer, swaying in time with the Force until her head tilts up to him, and his down to hers. Her eyes follow his lips until the very end, her heart pounding in her ears and chest becoming like a furnace. She feels his breath on her face and there’s just a sliver of space between them. Just a bit closer and then she can finally taste the sweetness she’s been craving for months.

But as their lips are about to ghost against each other, they suddenly become bathed in bright light.

They pull apart and look around quizzically. The cave that was once dark and empty now glows with crystals, all invisible to the eye, but their light penetrates the rocks that hide them from view. Noticing something, Ben looks down at Rey again, specifically at her chest. She follows his line of sight and fishes the two broken crystal pieces from under her shirt, holding them out in the palm of her hand. They, too, glow with a sun’s brightness, pulsating with the Force’s presence.

Ben touches one of the two pieces, carefully running his fingers over the uneven crystal as if it would stop glowing from his touch. “They came through,” Ben says with wonder.

“I was surprised too. The past stripped us of the Force, but it let these through.”

“Maybe because they were broken.”

Meeting his eyes again, “Not anymore,” Rey says, turning her palm over so that the crystals are pressed between their hands. She can feel how fast his heart is beating.

“You still need a crystal. For your lightsaber,” he says, completely entranced by her.

“I know. After all, this crystal is ours.”

His breath is stolen away in the form of a silent gasp at her words and he threads his fingers through hers. The crystals warm their bodies to the core and in that moment, they feel like they’ve been made one.

Rey had lost hope when the lightsaber split in two, but now she understands. The crystal cracked in two because they were meant to possess it together.

Together, all feels whole again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Ilum](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Ilum)
> 
>  
> 
> [Kyber crystal](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Kyber_crystal)
> 
>  
> 
> Honestly, the dance is inspired by [The Dancing Dragon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPi-38oUtC8) from Avatar: The Last Airbender season 3 episode 13, The Firebending Masters. 


	15. Chapter 15

After leaving Ilum, the Force remained with them. With one part of the crystal hanging around his neck and the other around Rey’s, Kylo felt complete. He repeatedly plays the scenes from Ilum in his head; the way Rey’s cheeks were flushed red as they leaned towards each other, the awe and adoration in her eyes, her shallow breath on his lips, their almost kiss, and then how it felt when the twin crystals came alive in their linked hands. These memories are seared into his very being and he knows that his life was irrevocably changed in those moments. Their souls are truly intertwined now, and it brings a sense of comfort and belonging unlike anything either of them has felt before.

A week after the trip to Ilum, they’re stretched out on the floor together, looking over books and postponing the moment when they must retreat to their separate beds for as long as they can when Kylo says, “I want to take you somewhere.”

Rey looks at him in surprise. It’s the first time he’s suggested where to visit. “Planning on telling me where we’re going?”

“It’s a surprise.”

-

She’s next to him in the cockpit when they break through the atmosphere, and she eagerly leans forward in her seat to get a better look of the lush planet below. Kylo felt her bubbling excitement throughout the whole trip to Naboo, and it was well worth keeping Rey in the dark about their destination when he sees her eyes widen and hears her gasp when she first sees their new location.

“This is even better than Takodana,” she breathes, now completely out of her seat and on her feet. A brief survey over the landscape reveals fields of green with speckled colors stretching as far as they can see, with mountains and mist in the distance.

When they come upon the capital, Theed, Rey is half sitting atop of the dashboard to get a better view of the city. Kylo smiles to himself; he’d had a good feeling about this planet and it had paid off to listen to his instincts for once. This is the most keen over a new planet he’s ever seen her.

He researched before their arrival and found them accomodations at a lakeside resort with views of Theed Royal Palace, overlooking the city. It’s closer to the outskirts of the capital, rather than the central hub. With grand fields on one side and stunning architecture on the other, their location is perfect for Rey, who wanted to explore the city but remain close to nature.

Once checked in and after quickly dumping their bags in their quaint cottage’s living room, Rey links her hand with Kylo’s and drags him from their lodgings, too excited to see what Naboo is like to bother with unpacking.

The first thing they do is visit the Royal Palace, as recommended by the tourist guide she took from the resort’s front desk. Even though it houses the current queen of Naboo, the ground level is open to the public. One of the primary reasons Kylo chose to bring them to Naboo is to ‘meet’ his grandmother together. He found her name in a First Order database long ago, but there were few facts and no images that depicted what she looked like in life.  

Their hands are still interlocked as they walk through the Plaza towards the Palace, and Kylo is keenly aware that this could be a ‘date’. The thought makes him look down at their joined hands, becoming self-conscious and suddenly feeling anxious to the point that he struggles to breathe properly. ‘Deep breath in and out, in and out,’ he instructs himself, his posture now rigid. He has every right to be nervous since this is probably as close as Kylo will get to bringing his partner to meet his parents. Or grandparent, in this case.

The sun is high in the sky and Rey is glowing with the fountain-filled courtyard in the background. She is a sight to behold and Kylo is reminded again of how fortunate he is to have this opportunity. He has no idea what the climate of the galaxy was after Hosnian Prime’s destruction, but it’s not as pleasant as it is now. The people milling around on the streets are worry free.

There’s a slight breeze that blows some water spray towards them. While the Nabooians shy away from the water, Rey rushes towards the precious commodity, savoring the cool mist over her face. While she enjoys that which everyone takes for granted, Kylo quickly buys them some lunch from a nearby vendor and joins her near the fountain.

“How do you rank Naboo so far?” Kylo asks, taking a bite from his sandwich.

“Oh, it’s up there,” Rey replies, her outstretched hand indicating how much she loves it. “This place feels special. It’s a city like all the other ones we’ve visited, but it’s not all flashy lights or chrome buildings. It’s different, in the best way.”

“Naboo is well-known for its architecture and it’s one of the few societies that have always preserved their history to remind us from where we came. It’s forbidden to use speeders or hovercrafts of any sort here in the Palace Plaza, so everyone travels on foot. They’ve created a culture here that is unlike anything else in the galaxy.”

“I like it. It feels real.”

They bask in the afternoon sun and enjoy the breeze for a while longer before continuing on to the Palace. There are statues and paintings lining the entrance of the Palace, all commemorating different philosophers who helped shape Naboo into what it is today.

Rey has already started towards the cavernous paintings corridor when Kylo finally finishes looking at the statues. By the time he’s caught up with her, she’s standing in front of a particularly striking painting of a beautiful woman in white robes with a bird, a Twirrl, perched on her arm. Kylo doesn’t need to read the description at the bottom to know who this woman is. He sees his mother’s eyes in the woman’s face.

“That’s my grandmother,” Kylo whispers. He is thankful that they’re all alone in the corridor and it makes him able to be vulnerable in this moment. There are so many emotions that he needs to process, but he doesn’t know where to start. “Padme Amidala Naberrie, Queen of Naboo, my mother’s mother.”

“She’s beautiful,” Rey says softly before turning to him, realization dawning on her face. “Wait, that means you have royalty in your blood.”

“My mother was a princess twice over, before the Empire destroyed her adopted planet.” Hearing himself say those words makes him recall yet again how cursed his family is. They have been entangled in a cycle of hardship, loss, and pain for generations and a part of Kylo that wants to scream at Rey to get as far away from him as possible. He wants her to take a ship and fly to the furthest quadrant of the galaxy when they return to their time, but it would be pointless. She’s just as ensnared with the Resistance as he is with the First Order. They can’t escape.

This is their escape.

They begin to make their way out of the portrait gallery and Rey’s voice breaks through his thoughts. “I didn’t realise Leia is a princess,” she says. “Can I call you Princess Ben from now on?”

“No,” he answers immediately, even though it doesn’t deter Rey.

“It makes so much sense now!” she continues as they leave the Palace grounds, a cheeky grin blooming on her face. “Your hair when you took off your helmet? And your lips? Ben, you are totally a princess.”

“The term is ‘prince’, Rey,” Ben says, sounding slightly exasperated, though he can’t help but enjoy her playfulness.

They’re back in the Palace Plaza when gasps and shouts start erupting nearby, everyone gesturing towards something high in the sky. Their banter ceases immediately and Rey and Kylo turn to look up. Through the sun’s glare, Kylo can make out five red dots with red tails trailing behind. His eyes widen and his heart sinks to his stomach. In a fit of panic, he grabs Rey, who is staring at the sky, wide-eyed like the others, and pulls her into an empty alleyway.

He doesn’t speak and blocks her path so she can’t go back to the open area, not that she tries. Her joy has been destroyed like the five planets of Hosnian Prime. He witnessed the weapon being fired once before and he has no desire to witness the carnage again. Shame and regret sink under his skin, between his bones, wrapping around his heart and squeezing so tightly that he fears he might die. He wants it to all go away. He wants it to go back to the way it was just five minutes ago; back to his heart being full of Rey’s smiles and the warmth of their growing love. Now, he can’t even bear to look at her, and  his eyes keep firmly to the ground as he feels shame and dread washing over him.

The past few months with her have been heavenly and had perhaps tricked him into believing that Rey could stand him, even come to love him, but his past crimes and errors are smeared across the sky and he knows there is blood on his hands. He always hated Starkiller Base. It was extreme and should never have been built, but he’d been too weak to do anything to stop it. Like the galaxy before him, he’d turned a blind eye, hoping that it would never be completed, much less used. He was a fool, and still is.

Suddenly, he feels tears, then fingertips on his cheeks, guiding his face to Rey’s. She’s crying too and it’s then that he realises the tears on his face are his own.

“Rey _,_ ” he says, voice hoarse. He’s trying his best to sound okay, but fails miserably.

“What are we going to do?” Rey cries, and he understands.

Hosnian Prime’s destruction has finally arrived and with it, the date.

They only have three months left now.

Three months of freedom before they’re forced to return to their former lives and roles. They’ll be enemies again and neither of them can bear the thought of it.

-

They lie in their separate beds that night, as they always have. They’ve said barely anything, and it’s not because Rey is angry at him. Despite the fact that both of them knew what would happen at some point, it doesn’t feel right to hold hands and smile happily when Hosnian Prime had just been destroyed, taking Naboo’s current queen along with it. The city was in mourning, the once happy and carefree society now feeling like a distant memory. It’s as if the planet has a mind of its own and understands what happened, for clouds had appeared from nowhere, shrouding the city in darkness and gloom.

Kylo usually laid on his side, facing Rey so that she was the last thing he saw before falling asleep and the first thing to see after waking up, but tonight he can’t bring himself to even show his face. He’s on his back, arms thrown over his face with his forearms pressing against his closed eyelids, waiting and praying for sleep; he’s so tired, as if he’s been awake for a thousand years. He couldn’t even eat dinner, but then again, Rey didn’t have more than a few bites either. Neither of them know what to do.

He doesn’t know how much time has passed, his eyes are shut but his mind is still wide awake, when he hears bedsheets rustle. He doesn’t pay it much thought, until his bed dips under Rey’s weight. He pulls back his arms only for his elbow to bump against Rey’s head. It’s a warm night on Naboo, but she still curls against his large body, burying her face in his side.

He’s about to wrap his arm around her when he stops and leaves his limb suspended in mid air. He’s trembling. He wants to hold her close and never let her go, but he can’t. Unlike him, Rey is free to do as she wishes. She’s not bound to serve an ungrateful galaxy, be amongst people who would like nothing more than to put a blaster to her head, or live with sins so deeply embedded in her skin that no amount of washing can get rid of them.

As much as it pains him to do, he’s about to turn away from her when Rey grabs hold of his nightshirt and yanks him towards her. However, she’s already precariously balancing herself on the edge of his bed and the sudden movement causes them to crash to the floor. Kylo’s arms immediately wrap around Rey, protecting her as he makes sure to turn and land on his back, shielding her from the fall. She lets out a long, soft sigh and rests her head against his chest.

“Let’s just stay like this. Please,” Rey whispers.

All of his internal debates vanish at her request and Kylo yields. “But we’ll get cold down here,” he says.

Rey briefly pushes herself off his body and reaches up to yank his blanket from his bed. She covers them both with it and assumes her position once again: draped over his body, head on his chest. This time, he holds her close, her head fitting perfectly under his chin. She’s feels so fragile, but then again, so is he. He feels their crystal necklaces touch and beat together as one, a steady thrum that relaxes their bodies.  

Sleep comes much easier when they’re together and he never wants morning to come.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Theed](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Theed)
> 
> [Palace Courtyard](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Palace_Courtyard)
> 
> [Palace Plaza](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Palace_Plaza/Legends)
> 
> [Theed Royal Palace](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Theed_Royal_Palace)
> 
> [Portrait of Padme Amidala within the Royal Palace](https://gffa.tumblr.com/post/167714816235/so-like-hey-if-you-ever-want-to-make-yourself)
> 
> \---
> 
> ayyyyy we're going to earn this fic's rating next chapter yey 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are nearing the end of the fic! Yay! The cap for RFFA was 50k, which means that a lot of the things I wanted to address have been left out for the sake of getting the main plot and journey points down. As a result, I have made this is into a series that I hope you will enjoy and follow still! It will have a much slower update schedule since I have...not written...much for it..........but more details about that at the end next chapter <3
> 
> Again, thank you everyone who has stuck with this fic! Finally, some soft, soft sexy times! :3c

Rey wakes up first from their shared sleep.

The first thing she sees is Ben’s cotton shirt, soft against her face. She then notices how his strong arms have remained wrapped around her; with his solid body pressed against her, it’s like she’s encased in a warm cocoon. They’ve rolled over onto their sides at some point during the night and her hands have made their way under his shirt, fingers splayed across his well-defined back. Years of training have resulted in his perfect, fit body but as her fingers roam across his skin, she can feel slight bumps from old scars. She wiggles enough for his arms to slacken so she can look up at his sleeping face.

He was always awake when she fell asleep, so this is a rare opportunity to see his face relaxed and truly at peace. Immediately, his unruly beard tickles her face and she shakes her head to dodge the offending whiskers. Ben twitches at her movements but remains asleep. Carefully, so as not to wake him, she unwinds one of her arms from around him and gently cups his face, running her thumb over the edge of his scar - the scar she gave him. One more scar added to the multitude that already decorated his body, though she does feel contrite about marring his face. She so badly wants to drop a light kiss on his scar, an apology of sorts, but she can’t quite reach. Her eyes drift downwards and her interest shifts to his lips. If she tries hard enough, she can maybe stretch herself just far enough to reach his mouth.

There’s just a sliver of space between their lips when his eyes crack open. Rey lets out a small gasp and begins to pull away, embarrassed at being caught in the act, when he suddenly closes the distance between them and meets her lips with his.

His lips are soft, so soft, and they press against hers in an innocent whisper of a kiss.  He moves to cup her face, her cheeks perfectly cradled in his large hands, and she melts into his touch. The kiss is slow and delicate, as if Ben has never done this before. Rey grows more certain that this experience is as new to him as it is to her when she feels his hands start to tremble and his breathing become uneven. With their bodies pressed together, Rey can feel his heartbeat hammering against her chest. She pushes forward and knocks him back so she straddles his torso. Her hands mimic his, reaching to cup his cheeks, her thumbs rubbing his beard, her hair falling around them like a curtain as she kisses him back.

Their changed position intensifies the kiss. Rey can feel how rigid his body has become as he slips his tongue past her lips, straining to get even closer. She pulls back just enough to take in a full view of his face; his cheeks now tinged pink and a burning heat visible in his eyes.

“I’ve never done this before,” Rey whispers, a blush forming on her face, which she attempts to hide by burying it into his neck.

“Neither have I,” he whispers back, still holding her face and unwilling to let her look away. “Never cared about it until I met you.” Ben drops kisses on her nose and each of her cheekbones before resting his forehead against hers, murmuring, “I never cared about anything until I met you,” before capturing her lips in another kiss.

He sits up and lifts them to his bed, Rey’s legs still wrapped around his midsection, and places her gently atop of the soft mattress, his mouth never leaving her. His butterfly kisses along her jawline and collarbone cause the slowly smoldering furnace inside her to fully ignite. His mouth travels south, leaving ghostly touches of his love as he goes, and Rey timidly cards her fingers through his hair. He’s at her belly, the thin material of her nightshirt being the only barrier keeping his lips from her skin, when he peers up with a pleading look in his eyes.

“May I?” he asks, voice so deep that it makes her stomach do a flip.

“Yes,” she says, breathless with anticipation.

He pushes her shirt up, revealing her smooth, tanned skin, and runs his hands over her abdomen before kissing her stomach. He seems intent on kissing all of her and a giggle unexpectedly bursts from Rey’s throat, causing him to pause in his ministrations.

“That tickles,” she laughs.

Ben looks at her with so much love in his eyes that it’s overwhelming and she starts getting nervous  again. Her shirt is pushed up above where her chest band covers her breasts. Before her nerves can get the better of her, Rey sits up and hastily pulls the shirt over her head, wiping her sweaty palms on it as she does so, and moves to unwrap her chest band when Ben’s hands stop her.

“Let me.”

The desire in his voice reverberates down her back and goes straight to her toes. She angles her body so her back is to him, thankful for the chance to briefly hide from him. Every move he makes, every word he utters, every time she catches him staring at her; she feels like she’s going to combust at any moment and she wants to savor every second for as long as she can.

Ben slowly unravels the constricting fabric until her back is bare to him. Rey shivers when he runs his palms up and down her back, peppering kisses along her shoulders, before gently turning her around so they are facing each other once more, his hands returning to her face. His gaze drifts downwards, drinking in her newly bared breasts, before looking up again in a wordless inquiry. She answers by taking his hands and moving them to cup her breasts as she leans back on the bed, giving him more access to her body. Rey sighs with each of his heavenly touches, feeling him shudder when her nipples pebble up at the cool air and his loving caresses, her breast fitting perfectly into his palm.                                                                             

All of a sudden, she feels a little self conscious about her body, having never been this exposed to anyone before. Her breasts are small and her body is riddled with scars and imperfections, but before she can get too worked up with worry, Ben dips his head and takes her areola into his mouth, making her forget everything that isn’t him. His tongue glides over her hardened nipple and swirls over her skin, enthusiastically sucking at her breast until a loud moan leaves her throat.

Rey claps her hands over her mouth but it’s useless. That single noise has only increased Ben’s efforts at making her moan some more. He moves his mouth to her other breast and sucks on it; those pink, pouty lips of his perfectly made for the task. His hand drifts up to gently squeeze her abandoned breast. Rubbing his thumb over her saliva-coated nipple, he carefully watches her face, taking in every hitch of her breath and how her lips press together in response to his touch.

He reluctantly lets go of her, but not before leaving butterfly kisses over the fleshy underside of her breast. “You are so perfect, my everything,” he says hoarsely, licking a stripe from her ribcage back up to her breast, leaving an airy kiss on the tip of her nipple.

Rey lets out a squeak and rubs her legs together. The pooling heat in her stomach has dropped lower and now she can feel something slick and wet between her legs, which would embarrass her in any other situation, but everything about this feels right. Ben is looking up at her and seems to sense her unspoken desire. Hooking his thumbs under the waistband of her pants, he pauses, searching her face for permission to keep going.

Sucking on her bottom lip, Rey nods, desperately sucking in air through her nostrils when her pants are finally shucked off and thrown aside. Immediately, he presses his face against her glistening mound and inhales deeply, breathing in her scent. She can’t bear to watch and hides behind her hands, only to give in and peek through her parted fingers.

Ben keeps glancing up to watch her reactions as he shamelessly tastes her. Rey squirms at the sensation and involuntarily brings her legs together, squeezing the sides of his head. He gently parts her legs to gain better access, his tongue delving past her soft lips and devouring her. Her face is now bright red at what she’s witnessing, but her hips buck up in response. He throws one of her legs over his shoulder and holds down her pelvis, his thumb brushing against her hidden nub of flesh;  the sensation is so intense that her eyes roll back.

He gently rubs her clit, careful not to hurt her as he gorges himself. It feels like every part of her is on fire and her back arches off the bed with each lap of his tongue and touch of his fingers. It’s not enough though, and the wetness leaking from her doesn’t feel like it’s going to stop. She wraps her legs around his shoulders and impatiently nudges him closer until all she can hear are the obscene sounds he is making as he lavishes her with his mouth. One of her hands palms her breast while the other fists in his hair, tightening her grip as her body grasps at a feeling that is just out of reach. Needing to catch her breath, she briefly releases her hold on his hair, which only prompts him to increase his attentions. At this, she yanks on him so hard that he is forced to look up.

Seeing his face looking up at her, his lips glistening with a mixture of her juices and his saliva, the sight makes Rey jolt forward and capture his mouth with hers, tasting herself on his lips and exploring his tongue with hers in an effort to taste everything. She wants to feel him and see him as flustered as he made her.

Her fingers snag the ends of his shirt and lift it up over his head. They both inhale sharply at the feeling of their naked chests pressing together, before sinking into another kiss, their hands anxious to explore each other. As her hands roam across his back, his come up to cup her face again, his thumbs massaging her cheeks, both of them rejoicing in this new skin to skin contact that makes Rey’s heart sing and flutter.

Eventually, they break apart to breathe and she schooches herself back up on the bed, knees bent, and her curious eyes rove over his still partially clothed body. It takes every bit of self restraint to remain still, waiting with her mouth nearly salivating, for him to shed his last bit of clothing.

And when he does, her pupils dilate and she forgets to breathe.

He’s _beautiful_.

He’s standing at the foot of his bed, completely naked with his chest heaving, every scar and blemish glistening with sweat, and her mouth goes completely dry. Her eyes trail from his eyes to his scar, the scar she gave him, and follows it down his clavicle until it stops with a twist over his broad chest. Her eyes flicker down past his torso to his sizeable cock, erect and perfectly curved, bouncing lightly against his belly button. Up until this moment, she had thought she was okay with this, that she could do this, but now that they’re both naked and something of enormous importance is about to happen, she gnaws her lip with worry. Ben sees the change in her expression and instantly understands.

He crawls across the bed and takes her into his arms, their crystal necklaces clinking together, and hums into her ear. “We don’t have to do anything. We can just lie here, it’s all up to you. It’s okay, I promise,” he says to her, voice light like the breeze outside.

He’s right, of course. They have another three months to explore their newfound intimacy safely in the bubble they’ve created, and Rey can’t think of a better way to spend the time they have left together. There’s still so much to experience.

Rey nods and buries her head into the crook of his shoulder. She feels a little embarrassed since they’ve come this far, but she’s scared and doesn’t want to rush. His cock softens until it’s a reassuring weight against her thigh. He keeps his arms wrapped around her and it helps to calm her enough to look at him again. They lie there, her head on his chest as he draws symbols along her arm. She closes her eyes and recognises the letters to be Aurebesh.

Resh. Esk. Yirt. _Rey_. Again and again, he repeats the word with his breath against her hair.

She nuzzles deeper into his chest and cannot resist licking his nipple. There’s a rumble above her and she smiles; he’s ticklish too. She manages to circle her arms around him, much to her surprise, given the size of his torso, and her eyes droop shut to the melodic sound of his breathing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Aurebesh](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Aurebesh)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I apologise for the sudden time jump. It's sudden and with things only just heating up and _happening_ , it sucks that it's the last chapter I have to offer. However, I did go into this fic with certain goals of how Rey and Kylo's relationship was going to end up and I think this is a nice hopeful ending to arrive at. 
> 
> I do plan for more fics to be added to the series to fill in some gaps, including their actual first time, along with other domestic scenes and their post epilogue lives. I hope you continue to stick around to see what I have install, and thank you again for reading my fic <3

Three months pass in the blink of an eye.

After that fateful day in Theed, they relocated to a more secluded place on Naboo, known as the Lake Country, featuring an abundance of lakes and waterfalls, and neverending fields abloom with wildflowers. Despite its popularity with tourists, the holiday destination was unusually barren with all of the usual patrons having returned to their home worlds, if they still existed, leaving Ben and Rey alone at the picturesque lake retreat.

Every day they woke up in each other’s arms, warm sunlight falling over their naked bodies, before rising to train together in the fields. It was so peaceful out there, with nothing but the sounds of cicadas and water falling over rocks in the distance. All they had to study were the the Jedi texts and the books they had taken from the Library of the New Republic, but it was enough. It took time, but with the Force vibrating from their matching crystal necklaces, they were able to achieve a shared tranquility that would have been unreachable had they remained separate in their ‘correct’ timelines. It was as if being thrown back in time had unlocked something in each of them; something that brought them ever closer to the balance they both desired and only with each other. It filled them with shared energy and visions of a future that felt close enough to reach.  

Whilst they spent the majority of their time becoming closer in every imaginable way and exploring their Force connection, delving into the vast expanse of nature around them proved irresistible. It seemed like they had the entire planet to themselves and often travelled through forests that appeared to be untouched by humans. They laid upon the forest floor, hands clasped tightly with their fingers laced together, enjoying the serenity around them for as long as they could.

They never lost track of the days, both of them intensely aware of how much time they had left alone together. It wasn’t until a week or so before the time would come that they started to plan what to do next.

“Chandrila,” Ben says as they stand ankle-deep in a bioluminescent lake one night. “There’s an observatory there where we can predict future solar flare activity. I have a good idea of where I was when it happened, and we know the approximate date, so that should be enough.”

“Or we could keep running,” he suggests after a beat, only for Rey to snort and splash some water at him.

“We can’t do that, not after all that we’ve discovered,” Rey says. “There’s still too much to be done. This galaxy, this precious place where we exist, needs our help.” As if on cue, their kyber necklaces light up at her words, illuminating their chests.

“We can’t allow the galaxy to break apart any further than it already has,” Ben says.

“We’ll still have each other after we go back,” Rey quickly replies  and it sounds like she’s trying to convince herself as well as him. Her voice sounds more certain as she adds, “Even across galaxies, we’ll always have each other.”

“Of course,” Ben says softly. He leans down and they share a chaste kiss under the moonlight. “My lovely Rey,” he murmurs against her lips.

“My beloved Ben,” Rey says in return, before losing herself to his kisses.

-

They find most of what they need on Chandrila soon after arriving and stay an extra day to take in the  sights and acquire a few last minute supplies, mostly for Kylo. It would be an embarrassment if he returned to the First Order in grubby clothes. Any hope of General Hux, or any other military leader, to fall in line and obey his commands would be crushed before he could even try implement his plan, given his current appearance. They spend much of their last day together searching for robes fit for a Supreme Leader.

Later that night, Kylo finds himself perched on top of the vanity in the ‘fresher with Rey between his legs, her fingers carefully guiding the blades of scissors through his beard. She had ordered him into the ‘fresher, commenting that he had to get his beard under control. Standing there in his underwear, he forces himself to stay still as Rey runs her fingers through his rapidly disappearing beard.

He watches as her nose wrinkles and her bottom lip slips between her teeth, deep in concentration as she trims. Even though they’ve been together constantly for the past few months, sometimes literally attached at the hips, Rey had never ventured to ask what he was going to do when he returned to the First Order. Neither of them had ever brought it up and he’d never felt compelled to explain his future plans until this moment.

“Aren’t you curious?” he asks as she tilts his head to the side.

“About what?”

“You know what.”

Rey hums and shrugs. “I trust you. You don’t need to explain yourself to me.”

“What happens if I’m wrong? What happens if the galaxy can’t be saved?”

“Do you seriously believe that the galaxy is that far gone?” Rey pauses in her task and stares at him with a raised brow.

“No, no I don’t,” he says, shaking his head and trying not to start doubting himself. “But what happens if I mess it up? Or make it worse somehow?”

Rey leans in and continues to snip away his scraggly beard into something more manageable. “Then you can vent to me when that happens and I’ll take you up on your idea to run away.” She wavers in her movements for a moment before whispering, “Everyone is allowed to make mistakes, Ben. Nobody's perfect. There is no such thing as perfection.”

“There’s perfection right in front of me, standing between my legs.”

Rey rolls her eyes at his cheesy reply and lets out a giggle when he pulls her closer, his hand resting at her hip. A comfortable silence falls and his eyes roam over the single most important being in his life. He’s memorised every freckle and every scar that decorates her body, along with other little things he’s noticed over time. Like how her eyes narrow at him when he tells a terrible joke, and how she lights up like a star when the haze of sleep has cleared from her eyes and she sees him first thing in the morning, or how her face flushes so prettily when she tries and inevitably fails to keep quiet when he pleasures her. He has committed every moment they’ve had together to memory and keeps them close to his heart, along with his trickling recollections of his family when he was younger and times were simpler. He wants to see his mother again, but not like this. When the time is right, when there are no more sides, no Resistance and no First Order, he will see her again.

“Do you see me as Kylo Ren or Ben Solo?” he asks suddenly.

“Both,” Rey answers without hesitation. “People can label you however they want, but I know who you are, past, present, and future, and you are one and the same.” With a few final snips, Rey finishes and admires her handiwork. Her fingers ghost over his neck, where the mark of his slave collar is now faded, but both know of its existence. “There, all done,” she says softly. “Hey--”

Kylo circles his arms around her small waist and pulls her close, chin on her shoulder as he inhales her scent. “I love you,” he whispers into her hair.

Rey instantly relaxes into his body, looping her arms around his neck. “I love you too,” she breathes.

As they continue their embrace while moving towards the bed their matching crystals, now on fresh, new chains, lay on their bedside table, glowing like a beacon of hope to the galaxy. They stay that way until their ship reaches the section of the Outer Rim Kylo was three months ago when he fell through the portal.

Aboard the cloaked ship, they watch as Kylo’s transport shuttle gets pulled towards a small asteroid that seems to blink in and out of existence. From their angle, they can see tongues of plasma against the glittering backdrop of stars, almost as if the solar flare is licking at the asteroid. When the plasma flares eventually calm down enough to approach the asteroid, they are able to navigate the shuttle to the surface with surprisingly little difficulty.

They land their ship next to the First Order command shuttle, and Kylo leads Rey to the mural that started it all.

“So, this is them,” Rey says, looking up at the Father, the Daughter and the Son. “The Ones.”

“Yep,” Kylo says, popping the ‘p’. They had stumbled upon an image of the trio with the label ‘The Ones’ in an old book. Upon discovering their titles, they were able to discover additional information about them from the texts from the Library of the New Republic. “The embodiments of the dark and light sides of the Force.”

Upon being mentioned, the Father opened his eyes, followed by the Daughter and the Son. Kylo stiffens immediately, remembering that there were only a few moments left before he fell through the world the last time he was here. Keeping most of his focus on the Ones, he glances at Rey out of the corner of his eye. She remains calm, which contrasts with his own anxiety.

The Father looks at them stonily for a moment longer before nodding and in an instant, their surroundings melt away to reveal the planetarium-like realm full of portals and paths. They stand together on the singular path as they had done separately all those months ago. Kylo bends down to pick up his abandoned lightsaber as Rey takes a look around, now that she is able. When she stops in front of him, he remains kneeling at her feet, head down in reverence. He may be the Supreme Leader, but he will forever be loyal first to Rey.

“Rey,” he says, taking her hand and pressing his lips against her skin. He closes his eyes as her fingers rake through his hair, tousling until he can’t take it anymore and stands up.

“Benlo,” Rey says with a grin.

He looks at her, incredulous. “ _Benlo_?”

“You know, Ben plus Kylo.” She’s trying not to laugh but she fails miserably, and it’s infectious since a chuckle rises from Kylo’s throat.

“Of course, how silly of me not to realise.” He lets out another nervous laugh and then looks at her seriously. “Are you ready?”

She scoffs. “As ready as I’ll ever be. When do you think we’ll see each other again?”

“I don’t know, but we will meet again. Soon, I hope.”

“I wonder how we get back to the surface,” Rey ponders, hands remaining clasped with his as she looks around. The realm suddenly stutters, sending ripples of energy around them. “Did you feel that?”

“Yeah. Maybe we’ll just--”

And then he’s holding nothing. It feels like someone has taken a knife to his chest, twisting it sadistically as he clenches his fist around the space Rey just occupied.

“--vanish,” he mutters, finishing his sentence. “What about me?” he shouts to the void, only to be transported to the asteroid’s surface in an instant. He stumbles and holds onto the closest thing he can to regain his balance: the mural, only it’s now completely devoid of any celestial beings. It’s just a slab of rock, blank like all the other rocks around him.

There’s a sudden heat pressing against his sternum and Kylo hurriedly fishes out his crystal necklace. It sparkles in the sunlight and glows brightly, and in that moment, he knows that Rey is safe. It’s time to return to the First Order.

“I’ll see you soon,” he says to the wind around him, hoping his message will carry across the stars to her.

 

* * *

 

_Three years later_

 

“Are we in agreement?”

Leia looks at the man who sits across from her and Poe Dameron. He looks healthier than she had last seen him, all those years ago, the former deep circles under his eyes now nothing but a shadow on his face. His shoulders aren’t tense and his posture is no longer rigid, both things he started as a child that only intensified as he grew into a teenager. He’s grown and matured over the years, and the way he holds himself now and how he speaks with confidence is a testament to that. Snoke’s sinister presence is gone and has allowed Kylo to completely break out of the protective wall he’d barricaded himself behind when he was still a boy trying to feel safe in an unsafe world. She’d been wary when she first saw him, but now she’s overjoyed to witness the positive changes. He’s a completely different person and it’s like looking at a stranger.  

The man with the face of her son patiently waits for a response, his hands clasped together and relaxed against the large marble table between them.

A lot happened since the Resistance last encountered Kylo Ren. At first, they received close to no information about the First Order, but then after three months, there was a sudden flurry of activity. Several warships were decommissioned, which had the Resistance convinced that the First Order was  preparing  a new superweapon to threaten the galaxy, but no matter how many spies they sent, no such intel was ever confirmed. Additionally, the First Order started to acquire holdings in certain sectors of the Outer Rim, sectors that contained planets that had no real military or commercial value, as far as the Resistance analysts could see. Spies were again deployed, only to report that new laws were promulgated. The reports were rather vague, since it was highly unusual for the First Order to get involved in lawmaking or actual government; they’d always operated with the singular focus of robbing the resources of each planet they conquered, native occupants damned to whatever fate. Information continued to leak, and to the shock of all observers, life on the newly occupied planets started to improve. Slavery was outlawed, the production of food was sustainably increased, and medical care was available to everyone who needed it.

Months turned into years and the pattern continued. Many formerly isolated and marginalized worlds were now thriving under the First Order’s influence. The Resistance had begrudgingly relaxed, but still remained suspicious of the Supreme Leader’s motivations, until they received a holo a month ago, from Kylo Ren himself, with the proposal to meet on a neutral planet to discuss the galaxy’s future.

They eventually decided on Hanna City on Chandrila after no one objected to the location. The Resistance warily eyed the calendars that counted down the days until the meeting, only to be greeted personally by the Supreme Leader, who was alone with only two Stormtroopers in attendance. That was three days ago, three days of intense yet calm negotiations to arrive at a peaceful agreement about the galaxy.

It’s now the final day of negotiations and Leia continues to be pleasantly surprised at how smooth everything had gone. The distinct lack of guards had initially worried Leia, rather than put her at ease, paranoid that additional Stormtroopers were occupied with something sinister elsewhere. She could hardly remember a time when she’d been happier to be wrong.

“Now, hang on there. We can’t come to a decision now,” Poe argues, eyes narrowing at Kylo Ren.

Kylo continues to look relaxed and tilts his head in compliance. “Very well. I will remain on Chandrila for the remainder of the week. You have until then to come to a decision.”

“And if we don’t?” Poe challenges.

“Then we’ll try again,” Kylo simply replies, which shocks them yet again. He pushes his chair back, its feet scraping along the floor, and leaves the room without another word.

Once alone, Poe quickly turns to Leia. “What do you think? And where are the rest of the Stormtroopers?” he whispers urgently.

Leia doesn’t reply, thinking back to the various reports they had received about the First Order. There was one missive a year ago about Stormtroopers being freed, but since there were still a significant number of them around the galaxy, Leia had dismissed it without another thought. Now, she isn’t so sure.

Still not replying to Poe, she hurries from the meeting room and tries to find where Kylo could have gone. Something feels off about the First Order and had been for the last three years. From the almost unbelievable snippets she’s heard across the galaxy about the Supreme Leader, Leia would be very  proud of her son if they turn out to be true, but she must uncover the truth for herself. Slaves freed, animals no longer in captivity, stricter spice laws and more trading regulations - it all sounds too good to be true.

She follows the corridor and it eventually leads to a balcony. She sees Kylo’s back and picks up her pace, only to stop short at the sight of Rey standing next to him. They’re deep in conversation, but there’s a relaxed aura around them. Leia hides behind a nearby pillar, just close enough to listen in on their conversation.

“Did you end up returning the books?” Kylo asks.

“I wanted to! But they were on that ship we left on that asteroid and who knows where it is now,” Rey says, exasperated. “I’m not sure I want to see the fines that would have accrued over the years.” They both shudder. “We should visit Happa together one day. I’m sure he’d love to see you again.”

“Happa? You named him?”

“Are you kidding me? There are so many happabores on Jakku, I had to name him to set him apart from the rest.”

“How do you know you even found the right one?”

“I could tell. And besides, I think Happa seemed to sense you through the crystal.”

A beat of silence. “You totally found a random Happabore.”

“No! It’s the same one you freed!”

“I freed them all, Rey.”

“That’s not what I meant, Benlo _.”_

Kylo let out a long exasperated sigh. “You can’t keep calling me that. What if someone hears?”

“Benlo,” Rey continues to sing.

Their interaction baffles Leia. She’s never seen Rey like this, so carefree and happy. She had a feeling that something had happened to Rey, but she didn’t know what. For months, she had watched the girl spiral on the Millenium Falcon, only to suddenly bounce back one day…

...around the same time they started to receive word that the First Order was on the move again.

Leia closes her eyes and feels the Force around her, something she seldom did. Glittering dots everywhere, from every being on Chandrila, and there, right in front of her are Kylo and Rey. There’s a halo around them, linking them together and warming everything around them. She senses a movement next to her and opens her eyes, not needing to look back to see the ghost of her brother, Luke Skywalker.

“Rey did right by him. And Ben did right by Rey. It’s made them who they were always meant to be,” Luke says, nodding with approval.

“How did they...?”

“They’re kids, Leia. If they want to meet, they’ll find a way, except who would have thought the Force had a part in it?”

“Really,” Leia deadpans.

“You’d be surprised.”

For the first time, Leia turns to look at Luke, only to be caught off guard by his appearance. There’s a small grin on his face that brings back memories from a lifetime ago, back on Yavin IV when she awarded him a medal of heroism. He wore the same look back then, in the form of a smile stretching from cheek to cheek with eyes dancing with glee. Even though he’s older and a semi-transparent ghost, Leia can still feel the emotions - contentment and fulfillment at how things played out.

“They’re gonna be okay,” he says, and like that, Leia’s worries vanish to pave way for hope.

For the first time in forever, she smiles and with her brother, they watch Kylo and Rey chatter about an almost impossible life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Lake Country](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Lake_Country)
> 
> [Chandrila](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Chandrila)
> 
>  
> 
> Final scene between Rey and Kylo before they went back to their lives is inspired by [Kara's final scene in Battlestar Galactica](https://youtu.be/JlGO275vfgA?t=91). Almost ten years on and that scene still stays with me.
> 
> Also, the theme I had chosen for RFFA was 'solar flares', which admittedly, was very subtle and in the background. When I think of solar flares, I remember back to that [Stargate SG-1 episode (1969)](https://stargate.fandom.com/wiki/1969_\(episode\)) where solar flares flung them back in time, which is the basis of this fic. In this AU, the portals in theworld between worlds dimension could take you to a certain point in time/whatever event you see, but Kylo went through as a solar flare happened, changing his temporal destination. I also HC that everyone has a portal in that realm, and that Rey and Kylo's are connected to each other and no where else :')
> 
> -
> 
> Again, thank you very much to everyone who has given my fic a chance and made it to the end! I wanted to start uploading a continuation but was not able to finish it in time. BUT I have many things planned. Hopefully with enough energy and encouragement, I can make headway with them :) Please [subscribe to the series](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1178894) for updates, if you so wish <3

**Author's Note:**

> kuresoto.tumblr.com


End file.
